I am dragged down
I am ensnared
I am all that I despise
I am in chains
I am alone
I watch with fearful eyes
By what means shall I escape this?
The emptiness turns to dread
Shall I ignore the light that shines
And find comfort in the world instead?
Will a man give me the hope I need?
Or a family should I please?
Will money keep me so secure?
Will these things keep me off my knees?
It is strange
That as the darkness becomes darker
I finally start to see
Only keeping my faith in Jesus
Will truly set me free
Monday, April 20, 2009
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Feeling inadequate (and rightly so).
The spirit is willing
But the flesh is weak
If out of the overflow
Of my heart I speak
Then I fear who I am
Because sometimes my words
Break promises, tell lies
And I am assured
Once again that I'm fallen
Works simply won't do
When in thought, word and deed
I crucify you
But in my weakness
You are my strength
I take refuge in grace
And love of unimaginable depth
I know I fall short
But take heart, for indeed
Though I am a sinner
I am also redeemed
But the flesh is weak
If out of the overflow
Of my heart I speak
Then I fear who I am
Because sometimes my words
Break promises, tell lies
And I am assured
Once again that I'm fallen
Works simply won't do
When in thought, word and deed
I crucify you
But in my weakness
You are my strength
I take refuge in grace
And love of unimaginable depth
I know I fall short
But take heart, for indeed
Though I am a sinner
I am also redeemed
Monday, April 13, 2009
In pursuit of a beautiful mind.
The Twilight books are a popular topic of conversation almost everywhere, I've found. Yes, I've read them. All of them. I took my time about it though. I'd heard of the books before the hype and was mildly interested but once I got wind of the audience (tween girls) and their obsession with this 'Edward Cullen', I became one of those who mocked and avoided them...
Until I decided that to be justified in mocking the story I had to read it first and well, everyone else, including the awesome Kate and Tara had read them so I succumbed. 'Ministry purposes' was a popular explanation at church for toting the books - right up to Peter Lin.
I was not impressed. The book really is literary trash. The dialogue between Edward and Bella made me cringe but I suppose that's to be expected. Although I think it's rubbish I can understand how young girls are completely swept away by Edward's apparent perfection. It'll be a few years yet before they realise that a boyfriend who stands over you while you sleep is just creepy, not romantic, regardless of whether or not he is a vampire who never sleeps.
I've had a few discussions about the content of the book with Isobel Lin (yes, the amazing Equip women's conference convenor and wife of my minister) who is probably the only person who can use the 'ministry purposes' defence legitimately. She has a daughter of about 12 and most of her daughter's friends are avid Twilight readers and Edward enthusiasts, although that may be selling their admiration short. Isobel's daughter is not allowed to read Twilight for the simple reason that 12 year old girls are not ready for the complications associated with sex and relationships. The Twilight series delves deeply into both themes and I have great respect for Isobel for taking the time to monitor what her children are exposed to. It's not a case of being strict and conservative for the sake of it but ensuring that she fosters within her daughter a beautiful mind.
We are living in an age that makes it almost impossible for a young girl to maintain her innocence. It is lost in a flurry of make-up, inappropriate clothing and morally ambiguous pop music before she even becomes a teenager. Isobel's daughter is exceptional in that she is given the chance to be a child: her mind is not worried or confused about things that it shouldn't be. It seems that society prefers to educate children on sex and relationships at a younger age because they are becoming more knowledgable about these things - but why is that?
Last night I sat at my minister's kitchen table, flicking through the Sunday Magazine from the Sunday Telegraph and came to a full page advertisement that featured two half naked women promoting lingerie. I was embarassed by the ad, two 6 year-old-girls were seated across from me and I felt the need to protect them from such a gratuitous display of flesh. I quickly put the magazine away.
Such a lax attitude concerning sexuality is unhelpful and difficult to shield children from, but it's not impossible. I know children aren't completely ignorant but I do not think that they should be exposed to such things unnecessarily, especially if we are hoping to cultivate in them a Christian way of thinking. Surely we are overwhelming children if we introduce to them to adult concepts prematurely? Restricting a child from reading the Twilight novels until she is old enough is not over-protective and over-bearing, it is a loving reaction from a concerned parent who would not like her daughter's mind corrupted until it can't be put off any longer, thank you very much.
As I spoke to Isobel, I realised how twisted my own mind had been by the things I'd seen and heard as I grew up. It pained me to know that I can never go back to blissful ignorance. So I understand perfectly. I wish my thoughts weren't so easily swayed by the darkness of the world. In the depths of your mind you are completely unrestricted. The potential terrifies me. But there are still those in the world who have yet to discover this and to me that is a very beautiful thing.
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honourable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. Philippians 4:8
Amen!
Until I decided that to be justified in mocking the story I had to read it first and well, everyone else, including the awesome Kate and Tara had read them so I succumbed. 'Ministry purposes' was a popular explanation at church for toting the books - right up to Peter Lin.
I was not impressed. The book really is literary trash. The dialogue between Edward and Bella made me cringe but I suppose that's to be expected. Although I think it's rubbish I can understand how young girls are completely swept away by Edward's apparent perfection. It'll be a few years yet before they realise that a boyfriend who stands over you while you sleep is just creepy, not romantic, regardless of whether or not he is a vampire who never sleeps.
I've had a few discussions about the content of the book with Isobel Lin (yes, the amazing Equip women's conference convenor and wife of my minister) who is probably the only person who can use the 'ministry purposes' defence legitimately. She has a daughter of about 12 and most of her daughter's friends are avid Twilight readers and Edward enthusiasts, although that may be selling their admiration short. Isobel's daughter is not allowed to read Twilight for the simple reason that 12 year old girls are not ready for the complications associated with sex and relationships. The Twilight series delves deeply into both themes and I have great respect for Isobel for taking the time to monitor what her children are exposed to. It's not a case of being strict and conservative for the sake of it but ensuring that she fosters within her daughter a beautiful mind.
We are living in an age that makes it almost impossible for a young girl to maintain her innocence. It is lost in a flurry of make-up, inappropriate clothing and morally ambiguous pop music before she even becomes a teenager. Isobel's daughter is exceptional in that she is given the chance to be a child: her mind is not worried or confused about things that it shouldn't be. It seems that society prefers to educate children on sex and relationships at a younger age because they are becoming more knowledgable about these things - but why is that?
Last night I sat at my minister's kitchen table, flicking through the Sunday Magazine from the Sunday Telegraph and came to a full page advertisement that featured two half naked women promoting lingerie. I was embarassed by the ad, two 6 year-old-girls were seated across from me and I felt the need to protect them from such a gratuitous display of flesh. I quickly put the magazine away.
Such a lax attitude concerning sexuality is unhelpful and difficult to shield children from, but it's not impossible. I know children aren't completely ignorant but I do not think that they should be exposed to such things unnecessarily, especially if we are hoping to cultivate in them a Christian way of thinking. Surely we are overwhelming children if we introduce to them to adult concepts prematurely? Restricting a child from reading the Twilight novels until she is old enough is not over-protective and over-bearing, it is a loving reaction from a concerned parent who would not like her daughter's mind corrupted until it can't be put off any longer, thank you very much.
As I spoke to Isobel, I realised how twisted my own mind had been by the things I'd seen and heard as I grew up. It pained me to know that I can never go back to blissful ignorance. So I understand perfectly. I wish my thoughts weren't so easily swayed by the darkness of the world. In the depths of your mind you are completely unrestricted. The potential terrifies me. But there are still those in the world who have yet to discover this and to me that is a very beautiful thing.
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honourable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. Philippians 4:8
Amen!
I hear you, Sir Thomas Wyatt.
I find no peace and all my war is done.
I fear and hope, I burn and freeze like ice.
I fly above the wind yet can I not arise.
And naught I have and all the world I seize on.
That looseth nor locketh, holdeth me in prison
And holdeth me not, yet can I scape no wise;
Nor letteth me live nor die at my device
And yet of death it giveth me occasion.
Without eyen I see and without tongue I plain.
I desire to perish and yet I ask health.
I love another and thus I hate myself.
I feed me in sorrow and laugh in all my pain.
Likewise displeaseth me both death and life,
And my delight is causer of this strife.
I fear and hope, I burn and freeze like ice.
I fly above the wind yet can I not arise.
And naught I have and all the world I seize on.
That looseth nor locketh, holdeth me in prison
And holdeth me not, yet can I scape no wise;
Nor letteth me live nor die at my device
And yet of death it giveth me occasion.
Without eyen I see and without tongue I plain.
I desire to perish and yet I ask health.
I love another and thus I hate myself.
I feed me in sorrow and laugh in all my pain.
Likewise displeaseth me both death and life,
And my delight is causer of this strife.
Saturday, April 11, 2009
The Cross of Christ
I have lots of thoughts running through my head. Most of them concerning Jesus which seems appropriate considering it is Easter. A lot of these thoughts have been inspired by John Stott's The Cross of Christ. It's been sitting on my shelf for a while and as I wanted to devote last night entirely to meditating on Christ's death, I thought it would be useful. And it has been.
There are just a couple of things in particular that were pointed out to me that made me come to a fuller understanding of the grief and anguish Christ experienced and the part that I played in it.
Firstly, I suppose that I've always just thought that Jesus' utter distress in the garden of Gethsemane was entirely due to the fact that he knew he was to endure torture and suffering. I've only had a superficial idea of why Jesus was sweating so hard it was like sweating drops of blood (Mt. 26:36-46). I guess I thought it was purely in anticipation of physical pain - but this is a grave misunderstanding. After all, many, many martyrs have faced death almost joyfully and Christ, who confidently rebuked the Jewish leaders, was no coward. It is not fitting with his character that he would have feared death itself. It's far deeper than that. If Christ was not recoiling at the idea of flogging and crucifixion then what? What was the cup he was referring to, which he prayed earnestly for God to take from him - but only if it was his will? Simply, it was sin.
This has never really struck me before. Christ's body was broken, his blood flowed but this is not the worst of it. On that cross, Jesus bore the sins of the whole world - past, present, future. This absolutely blew my mind, as I really thought about it. I thought of my sins. Of the ways in which I fail God every day and will continue to do so. My sin alone overwhelms me - but I had to try and come to terms with the sins of the whole world. All sin is deserving of punishment, of condemnation, of the wrath of God. Jesus took the wrath of God onto himself for all sin. Period. I cannot even begin to comprehend this. This is true torture, suffering and pain. Every thought, every word, every deed that signifies our rejection of God was laid on him and our iniquity separated the Lord of the universe from his father. I cannot read 'Eloi, Eloi, lama sabacthani?' (Mk 15:34) without wanting to fall to my knees in shame, but also in extreme thankfulness.
'It is impossible for us to face the cross with integrity and not to feel ashamed of ourselves. Apathy, selfishness and complacency blossom everywhere in the world except at the cross. There these noxious weeds shrivel and die. They are seen for the tatty, poisionous things they are. For if there was no way by which the righteous God could righteously forgive our unrighteousness, except that he should bear it himself in Christ, it must be serious indeed. It is only when we see this that, stripped of our own self-righteousness and self-satisfaction, we are ready to put our trust in Jesus Christ as the Saviour we urgently need.' (The Cross of Christ, pg 83)
Cue slap in the face #2: we are responsible for the death of Christ. We are as culpable as if we'd lived over 2000 years ago and driven the nails into his hands ourselves. I know my sin sent Jesus to the cross but I'm again sorely mistaken if I think I am any better than those who sentenced, flogged, mocked and finally crucified him. It's easy to read the accounts of the gospels and judge those who took part but truly, whenever we turn away from Christ, we 'are crucifying the Son of God all over again and subjecting him to public disgrace' (Heb. 6:6).
To then have the meaning of Easter reduced to easter eggs, hot cross buns and an easter show makes me sick. It really does. Christ did not endure for the sake of a public holiday, forbid it that someone should stop for just one moment to remember him. I pray that it would be impressed upon my heart always because the truth is that even the Christian is prone to forgetfulness.
There are just a couple of things in particular that were pointed out to me that made me come to a fuller understanding of the grief and anguish Christ experienced and the part that I played in it.
Firstly, I suppose that I've always just thought that Jesus' utter distress in the garden of Gethsemane was entirely due to the fact that he knew he was to endure torture and suffering. I've only had a superficial idea of why Jesus was sweating so hard it was like sweating drops of blood (Mt. 26:36-46). I guess I thought it was purely in anticipation of physical pain - but this is a grave misunderstanding. After all, many, many martyrs have faced death almost joyfully and Christ, who confidently rebuked the Jewish leaders, was no coward. It is not fitting with his character that he would have feared death itself. It's far deeper than that. If Christ was not recoiling at the idea of flogging and crucifixion then what? What was the cup he was referring to, which he prayed earnestly for God to take from him - but only if it was his will? Simply, it was sin.
This has never really struck me before. Christ's body was broken, his blood flowed but this is not the worst of it. On that cross, Jesus bore the sins of the whole world - past, present, future. This absolutely blew my mind, as I really thought about it. I thought of my sins. Of the ways in which I fail God every day and will continue to do so. My sin alone overwhelms me - but I had to try and come to terms with the sins of the whole world. All sin is deserving of punishment, of condemnation, of the wrath of God. Jesus took the wrath of God onto himself for all sin. Period. I cannot even begin to comprehend this. This is true torture, suffering and pain. Every thought, every word, every deed that signifies our rejection of God was laid on him and our iniquity separated the Lord of the universe from his father. I cannot read 'Eloi, Eloi, lama sabacthani?' (Mk 15:34) without wanting to fall to my knees in shame, but also in extreme thankfulness.
'It is impossible for us to face the cross with integrity and not to feel ashamed of ourselves. Apathy, selfishness and complacency blossom everywhere in the world except at the cross. There these noxious weeds shrivel and die. They are seen for the tatty, poisionous things they are. For if there was no way by which the righteous God could righteously forgive our unrighteousness, except that he should bear it himself in Christ, it must be serious indeed. It is only when we see this that, stripped of our own self-righteousness and self-satisfaction, we are ready to put our trust in Jesus Christ as the Saviour we urgently need.' (The Cross of Christ, pg 83)
Cue slap in the face #2: we are responsible for the death of Christ. We are as culpable as if we'd lived over 2000 years ago and driven the nails into his hands ourselves. I know my sin sent Jesus to the cross but I'm again sorely mistaken if I think I am any better than those who sentenced, flogged, mocked and finally crucified him. It's easy to read the accounts of the gospels and judge those who took part but truly, whenever we turn away from Christ, we 'are crucifying the Son of God all over again and subjecting him to public disgrace' (Heb. 6:6).
'Twas I that shed the sacred blood;
I nailed him to the tree;
I crucifed the Christ of God;
I joined the mockery.
Of all that shouting multitude
I feel that I am one;
And in that din of voices rude
I recognise my own.
Around the cross the throng I see,
Mocking the Sufferer's groan;
Yet still my voice it seems to be,
As if I mocked alone.
- Horatius Bonar
To then have the meaning of Easter reduced to easter eggs, hot cross buns and an easter show makes me sick. It really does. Christ did not endure for the sake of a public holiday, forbid it that someone should stop for just one moment to remember him. I pray that it would be impressed upon my heart always because the truth is that even the Christian is prone to forgetfulness.
Amazing love, O what sacrifice
The Son of God, giv'n for me...
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Philosophy is worrying me way too much.
I went back to Facebook notes for a while there. I felt that I was a bit too cranky on blogspot. I don't know what it was. Probably still processing Indian experiences methinks. It was a little scary and frustrating for a while, gosh, but concerning all the stuff mentioned in my previous blog, I got a fair bit of it sorted out at a missions debrief conference. SMBC conferences are full of awesome.
Really I'm just blogging because anything is preferable to my philosophy assessment which is now 4 days late or something. I swore I wasn't going to do this but this time around it's not even procrastination, really. It's more like not really having a clue what I'm supposed to do and worrying that I'm sounding like a complete mental case because honestly, who am I to disagree with David Lewis? Even if he does really believe in other actual worlds? We have to take him seriously because he's all 'logical' and uses big words and whatnot. It's incredibly frustrating. I just cannot enjoy something when all of the readings more or less go straight over my head and we keep discussing questions TO WHICH THERE ARE NO ANSWERS. What is even the point? Mind you, I do miss the Friday's lectures because I refuse to go to uni for just one hour and I haven't been diligent about catching up online. It's kind of silly to expect to learn when you don't turn up to class...
Regardless, give me tropes, give me figures, give me iambic pentameters, give me English because it makes my heart glad to understand something. It is the most fun I have had at uni. Apart from intro to development studies which was also great. If it weren't for English, I swear I'd try my luck with Moore College already. Don't raise your eyebrows - I know of two other girls my age who are studying there presently. Oh and the whole CBS thing, of course. I'm sure that's got a lot to do with my actually liking uni.
I don't normally do the pointless life update, usually I'll only blog if I've been challenged or encouraged or read something but this is testament to the lengths to which I will go to avoid philosophy. But... I don't think I dislike philosophy itself that much. I think that perhaps it's something I have to look at for myself. I do think it's important to understand where ideas come from and a lot of it is quite interesting. Maybe I'll stick with simple, non-threatening novels like Sophie's World in which the history of philosophy is explained via letters sent to a little girl who effectively undertakes a correspondence philosophy course by some random guy. I'd love philosophy if I were in Sophie's world. In the uni context it's just too much.
I really hope that this dislike of philosophy doesn't make me an essentially stupid person. That would really upset me.
Really I'm just blogging because anything is preferable to my philosophy assessment which is now 4 days late or something. I swore I wasn't going to do this but this time around it's not even procrastination, really. It's more like not really having a clue what I'm supposed to do and worrying that I'm sounding like a complete mental case because honestly, who am I to disagree with David Lewis? Even if he does really believe in other actual worlds? We have to take him seriously because he's all 'logical' and uses big words and whatnot. It's incredibly frustrating. I just cannot enjoy something when all of the readings more or less go straight over my head and we keep discussing questions TO WHICH THERE ARE NO ANSWERS. What is even the point? Mind you, I do miss the Friday's lectures because I refuse to go to uni for just one hour and I haven't been diligent about catching up online. It's kind of silly to expect to learn when you don't turn up to class...
Regardless, give me tropes, give me figures, give me iambic pentameters, give me English because it makes my heart glad to understand something. It is the most fun I have had at uni. Apart from intro to development studies which was also great. If it weren't for English, I swear I'd try my luck with Moore College already. Don't raise your eyebrows - I know of two other girls my age who are studying there presently. Oh and the whole CBS thing, of course. I'm sure that's got a lot to do with my actually liking uni.
I don't normally do the pointless life update, usually I'll only blog if I've been challenged or encouraged or read something but this is testament to the lengths to which I will go to avoid philosophy. But... I don't think I dislike philosophy itself that much. I think that perhaps it's something I have to look at for myself. I do think it's important to understand where ideas come from and a lot of it is quite interesting. Maybe I'll stick with simple, non-threatening novels like Sophie's World in which the history of philosophy is explained via letters sent to a little girl who effectively undertakes a correspondence philosophy course by some random guy. I'd love philosophy if I were in Sophie's world. In the uni context it's just too much.
I really hope that this dislike of philosophy doesn't make me an essentially stupid person. That would really upset me.
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