Hiatus.

Something is bothering me. It's my writing. What I choose to write about. The way I write about it. It makes me seem... angry. When people ask me about re-adjusting post India or what the most difficult thing was, I have no answer. I always seem to reply "It was only 3 and a half weeks. It wasn't enough time to truly turn my world upside down." Examining my thoughts and words over the past month though would seem to suggest otherwise. I wasn't unaware of poverty and suffering before I left for India. I wasn't unaffected by it before I got on the plane. But I've realised that anger and confusion is lying beneath the surface and is more palpable than before.

I know it and I've said it: the world is full of sin, creation is broken, poverty will never be history. But I say it with such anger, I don't think that I've truly accepted it or that I'm truly trusting God. I do think it is ok to be angered by world poverty but maybe the fact that I'm saying things like: "Well I don't want a Valentine's rose because I feel guilty about such luxury" (which is what I was effectively saying in my last post), indicates that I have to sort some things out. I fully appreciate how beautiful flowers are and like any girl would ordinarily be so happy to receive them. And yet, I recently deemed them a waste. Who am I???

The point is, I don't want to keep being so consistently upset with the way the world is. I'm spending so much time worrying about poverty that I'm missing the beautiful things that God created and has given us as well. I don't want to be thankful just because I have it better, I want to be thankful because God is good, all the time, whether you have a little or a lot. I saw God at work in Varanasi. In so many ways. I know that he cares for his people. But something in me is still clearly not at peace and I don't want it to taint my words anymore. Therefore I'm on a blogging hiatus until my words reflect on and remind the reader of how wonderful God is, instead of dwelling on how awful and selfish the world is. I don't really believe that my past posts have been encouraging or useful and I could've expressed myself in a more appropriate manner.

I just need time and prayer and my bible. I won't discover anything for myself. God will teach me his ways and until then, I'm going to wait until I can string together a sentence that displays godly wisdom as opposed to emotional freak.

Note: This writing hiatus does NOT extend to Tharunka. But if I happen to enlist your services as an editor, please tell me if I'm being too sarcastic/aggressive/whatever...

Peace.