She Speaks

This is what I feel.

2010-09-12T21:50:00.001+10:00

I asked the Lord, that I might grow
In faith, and love, and every grace;
Might more of His salvation know,
And seek more earnestly His face.

I hoped that in some favoured hour
At once He’d answer my request,
And by His love’s constraining power
Subdue my sins, and give me rest.

Instead of this, He made me feel
The hidden evils of my heart;
And let the angry powers of hell
Assault my soul in every part.

Yea more, with His own hand he seemed
Intent to aggravate my woe;
Crossed all the fair designs I schemed,
Blasted my gourds, and laid me low.

‘Lord, why is this?’ I trembling cried,
‘Wilt thou pursue Thy worm to death?’
‘Tis in this way,’ the Lord replied,
‘I answer prayer for grace and faith.

These inward trials I employ
From self and pride to set thee free;
And break thy schemes of earthly joy,
That thou may’st seek thy all in me.’

- Isaac Newton

It comes and it goes.

2010-08-27T11:57:00.002+10:00

I'd really rather be at Moore College. Just, really. Some days I am so fed up with uni. It just frustrates me. The subject matter - the way we think about the problems of the world and try to imagine solutions that are destined to failure. I love theology, I want to go into ministry, why am I stuck here? I know, I know, you don't have to tell me. But some days...

It probably won't happen.

2010-08-17T20:58:00.005+10:00

Living in a local caravan park would be most excellent. Think about it. What a fantastic opportunity for ministry. If I were married and my husband wasn't too weirded out by it, I reckon living in the Fairfield caravan park for a year or two would be great because we could meet so many new people AND it would be stupidly affordable. Caravan parks are their own contained communities, but you could absolutely just go around meeting everyone and making friends, even easier than if you moved into an apartment block or something. I'd have a barbecue the first weekend I moved in and invite everyone. Tara and I were joking about this last night and I baulked at the thought of her even suggesting we holiday there in jest but this morning on the train I couldn't stop thinking about the possibilities and I thought, 'I can't wait to tell Tim Booker (who led our SWEATCon elective on innovative evangelism) that I totally have a new idea!'

This also makes me happy because it reminds me that no matter what you're doing, when the rest of the world thinks it's crazy, if you're doing it for the sake of the gospel it's a damn good thing to do and it has meaning. At ReachOut we were told about the ministry of Filipino maids in middle eastern countries who are able to speak to the women who hire them while their husbands are out and they share Jesus with them. The world says that working as a maid for your whole life is not a life at all but one big giant fail. But the Christian says, get me in there, this is the greatest ever because it means I get to talk about Jesus with people who are otherwise completely inaccessible. I love that! I love that so much.

And you will know the truth and the truth will set you free - John 8.32

That's freedom. The freedom to live your life without caring about what you have, what you might get, where you will go, wondering what the point of it all is. I know why I'm here - to be in relationship with God and share the good news with others. I know where I'm going - to be with God forever. Everything else is temporary and ultimately doomed to destruction. Feel my excitement people! I'm living for something.

Suck it up, princess.

2010-07-22T20:26:00.003+10:00

Here are the reasons why I personally won't be able to live with myself unless I get up on a stupid milk crate on the main walkway of UNSW and tell everyone why I am a Christian.

1. Jesus died for me. Let me repeat: Jesus died for me.
2. Because Jesus died for me and I call myself a follower of Jesus, I am called to follow him. This means carrying my own cross. Standing on a milk crate to tell people why I am a Christian is not exactly akin to CRUCIFIXION.
3. Because I can. I live in a country where it is okay to get up on a milk crate in the middle of the day at a tertiary institution and preach the Gospel. And not get arrested. What's the use of that freedom and being so thankful for it if we don't exercise it?
4. The Gospel is worth more than my pride.
5. It makes me feel uncomfortable. In the best way possible.
6. Friends will support me. Christian and non-Christian.
7. It's 3 minutes. 3 minutes won't kill me. The real problem is knowing when to shut up.
8. I won't actually regret it. Well, I'm pretty sure I won't.
9. What is the worst that could happen? Really, seriously? The worst is still a blessing if it causes you to suffer for Jesus' name.
10. I fear God, not randoms.

There are about a million other things I'd rather do with my time, and getting up on a milk crate and opening myself up to public humiliation by possibly falling off that milk crate or whatever is probably right down the bottom of the list if I'm honest. Therefore I am drumming into myself the aforementioned reasons and besides, the most comforting reason comes from Jesus himself:

I AM WITH YOU ALWAYS, TO THE VERY END OF THE AGE.

It begins again.

2010-07-21T16:27:00.001+10:00

Dear everyone.

I come to you from UNSW library. I've been at uni for almost 7 hours and have not attended one class. Ha! Excellent. Calm down, I'm not being totally slack, it's just the nature of my Wednesday considering I am part-timing it once again.

The excellent news is that I passed everything. The not so excellent news is that I'm doing the same courses as first years. That's really quite pathetic for someone in their THIRD YEAR. But goodness, if it takes me five years to learn patience and self-discipline so be it. And 5 years of CBS can't be bad for anyone...

I've been reading articles on social justice and evangelism and plan to post some helpful excerpts and thoughts soon.

Not so serious.

2010-07-04T14:24:00.001+10:00

A nonsense rhyme
Is so easy to write
Do it in the morning
Or do it at night
But whenever you do
You must use your toes
Or put a calligrapher’s pen
Up one side of the nose
The latter’s quite messy
Best done over a sink
And you’ll get your nose
All covered in ink
Which method do I use?
I bet you can guess
It’s the one that produces
Results that are best
Besides, with feet
I have a peculiar issue
Ah – ah choo!
I’ve sneezed ink!
Someone get me a tissue?

Write your own nonsense rhyme. It's fun.

Men as brides.

2010-07-02T15:23:00.002+10:00

I feel for men who struggle with being the Bride of Christ. I am thankful that analogy brings me comfort and peace. It has, in fact, brought me MUCH comfort and peace over the years. I understand what Paul is teaching through that analogy in Ephesians, and I am blessed by it. I am sorry that for a lot of men that analogy is uncomfortable and even threatening.

I wonder how many Christian men actually do struggle with this. I've heard many preachers refer to men and women collectively as the bride of Christ and have not detected any uncomfortable squirming. Perhaps this is an insensitive conclusion to draw, but if a guy has a problem with hearing that he is the bride of Christ, he's got to be suffering a serious, er, manly man complex.

I daily have to wrestle with God to submit to His vision for me when it conflicts with my own for myself. Respect? Submit? You can try to paint them in glorious tones but the truth is that these are hard, hard concepts for women to embrace. Yet embrace them we must for our good and God’s glory. There’s a part of me that feels like telling men to just “man up” when it comes to dealing with the imagery from Ephesians 5.

Wendy makes me laugh.

This post also made me think about how even though God does mainly refer to himself in masculine terms, there are so many instances where He does adopt a feminine description. Nobody could ever accuse God of being sexist, not if they actually knew their bible. Gosh, Claire's words keep ringing in my head. So much of our own personal gender confusion skews Scripture and if we'd just let God speak, I think life would be much easier.

Conclusions.

2010-06-28T20:57:00.004+10:00

This post is going to be painfully long so I will begin with this disclaimer: it is for my own benefit. I have summarised the main arguments of Claire Smith’s talk on 1 Timothy 2 from the Different by Design Series. It is an excellent talk and very easy to listen to. I love good theology and Claire delivers it. The complementarian exegesis makes beautiful sense of this passage and the ideas and arguments identified by Claire are consistent throughout the Bible. I have not had this sense of satisfaction when considering the egalitarian arguments. Thinking about this has been a real brain stretcher for me over the last few months. Actually, I started mulling this over about a year ago now. I think I may have finally come to a decision and this summary of Claire’s talk will explain why.

Firstly, Claire begins with an interesting caveat that we should be aware of when approaching this passage:

Our culture influences our reading of the text and many of the difficulties that we find, might exist because of our culture and our personalities but not because of the text itself.

I think that many of us who struggle with this text really do need to first be willing to realign our thinking with Scripture rather than letting previously entrenched thoughts and ideas which are not necessarily biblical, influence us. It seems as though a person could just pick a side they prefer and then find the arguments to substantiate their choice. Honestly, a big part of me would love to believe that women should have care over their own congregations and preach to them, but these thoughts are not in line with Scripture. They’re just not. It doesn’t surprise me either because so much of the Christian life involves defying social and cultural norms. There is a part of me that wants to fight for this perception of total equality but by the grace of God I want the other part of me to win out – and that’s the side of me that accepts the teaching of the Bible and strives to bring my life and thinking in line with it.

I do not think that the following verses add anything to the debate, I just wanted to share what Claire had to say about them in regards to the original translation because I thought it was really interesting.

V 3-6: This is good, and pleases God our Saviour, who wants all men to be saved and to come to a knowledge of the truth. For there is one God and one mediator between God and men, the man Christ Jesus, who gave himself as a ransom for all men – the testimony given in its proper time.

I’ve never been particularly miffed at ‘men’ being a blanket term for humankind, but I know it can be a sensitive issue. Claire explains the Greek terms that Paul uses in these verses and the passage as a whole and what seems at face value to be ‘sexist’ or exclusive language is actually inclusive if we consider the original text. Now in referring to men in verses 3-6, Paul uses the generic term anthropos which is not at all gender specific but which in Greek denotes all of humanity. The use of this term serves to emphasise the commonalities between men and women: the predicament of sin and the need of a saviour. Interestingly, the man Christ Jesus is also referred to using the same generic term anthropos instead of the gender specific title which consolidates the idea that he is a representative of all people, male and female. The use of anthropos in this context therefore indicates rich, inclusive language. It is only when Paul begins to address the issue of how each gender should conduct themselves in worship that he reverts back to gender specific terms.

V 11-12: A woman should learn in quietness and full submission. I do not permit a woman to teach or to have authority over a man; she must be silent.

Again there are interesting instances of language here but this blog is going to be long enough as it is. What I will note here is Claire’s explanation of submission. Submission is a common Christian concept and is vital to the life of faith. But in this context what are women called to be submissive to? Basically, they were to be submissive to what was taught and who taught it. In the same way as a woman’s behaviour and dress are to display a quiet decorum (V9-10), their learning style is to be the same. It does not mean that women are to be subject to all men, but only to those who are given the authority to teach Scripture, while they are teaching. The attitude of submission was to be expressed in certain relationships, such as within the public worship context. Claire notes that various bible passages do encourage women to teach, namely Colossians 3:16 which calls men and women to teach and admonish one another. However, these examples are indicative of informal, private teaching and never refer to the public teaching of Scripture by women. Paul allows women to do one and not the other, obviously they were different in his mind. It is clear then that what happened on a one-to-one basis was very different to the public transmission of God’s word.

V 13-14: For Adam was formed first, then Eve. And Adam was not the one deceived; it was the woman who was deceived and became a sinner.

So the question is – why? Why are men only allowed to authoritatively preach the word of God at a public gathering? Paul answers this by appealing to Genesis. He gives us two reasons:

1) Man was formed first
It is in Genesis that God’s intentions for mankind are first made clear. He creates the world, He creates man and everything is good. However, God declares that man being alone is not good and so he makes woman. Both are given a divine mandate but have different responsibilities. Man is the firstborn; he has temporal priority and inherits the responsibilities that come with it. Woman is made later and comes to help him fulfil his role.

2) It was not the man who was deceived but the woman, who then became a sinner
Here Paul has only repeated the story of Genesis 3, but he finds implications that we may not have expected. At the fall, Adam and Eve both sinned but they sinned in different ways. Instead of accepting the leadership of the man, Eve listened to the serpent, ate of the fruit and led him to do the same. The man sinned by abdicating his responsibility to lead, thereby following the woman and disobeying God. God has a clearly set out pattern for relationships between men and women to which the principles of leadership and submission are inherent and still relevant today. That Paul draws on creation to provide the rationale for men having the authority to teach means that this pattern transcends time and culture and thus the instructions given at Ephesus couldn’t have been just ad hoc and particular to those circumstances only.

Therefore, basing his argument in creation, Paul’s instructions are that male leadership and female submission are to play out in church. Women are not to usurp the male authority provided but willingly accept the differences in responsibilities between men and women through their attitude to learning and not teaching or having authority over men. They are to be submissive. I wish this didn’t come across as such a dirty word because submission is the voluntary and willing acceptance of the leadership and responsibility of another. It doesn’t mean that one is oppressed, restricted, limited. Women are no lesser because of their call to submission, it simply means that their contribution to the church will be different. Unfortunately in the 21st century context that is rife with feminist ideals, it is the woman’s battle to be content with what the bible says, and follow the commands of a good and loving God who knows what is in our best interests.

V15: But women will be saved through childbearing – if they continue in faith, love and holiness with propriety.

Verse 15 brings to a close Paul’s argument in V11-14. Childbirth is referred to because it is a representative function for the differences between men and women. It is a shorthand way of speaking about the role of women. Therefore, Paul is encouraging women to be content with their role in relation to men. Again, bearing children is a function that is transcultural and further supports the view that Paul’s instructions here are relevant for the universal church. Now this is not suggesting that all women have to have children to be saved, they may be married, they may have children, they may not. Whatever the case may be, we are to be content with being women and accept the patterns for relationship between men and women that have been instituted by God.

I think I’ll leave it here for now. Claire briefly addresses some of the egalitarian arguments – such as the appeal to Galatians 3:28 and the potentially ad hoc nature of the instructions and in my mind, she successfully dispels them. I’m happy to keep reading and thinking but at this point – I’m going to officially adopt complementarian theology as my own position. I do not believe that women should be allowed to preach to a mixed congregation. This is not because I believe women to be incapable or lesser. I am full of admiration and respect for the godly, gifted and fiercely intelligent women I know and have heard preach – Claire Smith being a stellar example. Further, let me say loud and clear that my adherence to complementarian theology does not mean that I am a doormat, nor do I feel as though I am being oppressed by the men of the church. My ultimate authority is the bible and I am submitting to God who revealed himself to me through it. He has given me the responsibility of teaching and training other women, the children I may have and of supporting a husband if He should provide one. I defy anyone to tell me that my role is lesser or incomplete because I cannot step into a pulpit. Submission is my lot and by the grace of God, I accept it.

My mind is swimming with all sorts.

2010-06-25T15:18:00.004+10:00

But I am content with this.

As unto the bow the cord is,
So unto the man is woman;
Though she bends him, she obeys him,
Though she draws him yet she follows;
Useless each without the other.

- Henry Longfellow

Let this blog forever show...

2010-06-25T14:06:00.003+10:00

That at this point in time:

The Sovereign of my country is a woman.
The Governor-General of my country is a woman.
The Prime Minister of my country is a woman.
The head of my state is a woman.

A friend of mine pointed this out on Facebook recently. But somehow all of this is reduced by his final condescending comment: 'loves the girl power!'.

Now, I don't think he at all meant to offend, in fact I think he is genuinely stoked at the aforementioned. But that last sentence continues to irk me and demonstrates that the idea of a woman commanding power is still something of a novelty.

This is not the post I was hoping for.

2010-06-23T15:31:00.002+10:00

I have been banging my head against 1 Timothy 2 ALL DAY.

I listened to Claire Smith's talk this morning and was delighted to find myself absolutely convinced by a clear and logical yet profound talk delivered with flawless expression.

Then I went back to Richard France's 1995 lectures to compare the egalitarian arguments.

Then I started to think.

*BANGS HEAD*

I really wanted to be able to post something more helpful than this. Soon, I hope.

But one more thing.

2010-06-20T13:27:00.002+10:00

Let us leave pretty women to men devoid of imagination.

- Marcel Proust

A vaguely familiar sensation.

2010-06-20T11:53:00.004+10:00

This morning I am bored. I don't think it is a coincidence that my boredom comes the day after my last exam. I slept early last night, so I rose early this morning. There was nothing interesting on television, I flicked through the Telegraph. Bored.

It seems as though the Christian is not ever allowed to say that they are bored. I hear the voice of an entirely hypothetical, stereotypical Christian: "Bored? What do you mean you're bored? If you're bored you're obviously not redeeming your time. Bored? Time is short, go evangelise someone you lazy sod."

Must I always be doing something? Is it overkill for me to feel bad for sitting idle for a few hours? The irony here of course is that I have wasted countless hours on the banality of Facebook. A habit which I am now kicking because I am tired of being controlled by my account rather than the other way around.

I do have a couple of things to think about. The first is the topic of contentment because I have been asked to help write a bible study on it for a women's event. Any books, sermons, blogs, bible passages (apart from the obvious ones) you can recommend on the subject would be appreciated. It is surprising that my concordance only shows four references to the topic in the bible. Paul Grimmond once mentioned in growth groups a concordance that listed where the desired idea or theme you were looking up may be discussed in the bible even if it didn't mention the word specifically. I think that would be quite useful. I was reading through Barbara Hughes' chapter on the Discipline of Contentment last night and was interested by her explanation of how Eve's discontent was stirred by the serpent and finally manifested itself in her rebellion. I'd never have thought to go to the creation story to examine contentment, but there you go.

I'm also planning to finally listen to Claire Smith's Different by Design talks over the break. I'm really looking forward to hearing what she has to say on 1 Timothy, having not actually heard or read a comprehensive and trustworthy complementarian exegesis.

Right. Still bored. I guess I could... No I absolutely could. I could go for a run! I haven't had time for that in ages!

The Road

2010-06-18T17:03:00.003+10:00

I watched the film adaptation of Cormac McCarthy's novel The Road last night and I was disturbed. I don't know why it is that movies can affect me this way, I know perfectly well that they are fictional but I can't help but think that there is an element of truth in what I see conveyed.

The Road follows the journey of a father and son heading towards the southern coast of America in the aftermath of an unknown disaster that has left the world almost uninhabitable. There is no food and one of the main obstacles for the father and son is to escape gangs that hunt other human beings because they have turned to cannibalism in their desperation.

The images presented are not overtly gory, but I found close-up shots of hooks not unlike those found in a butchery abhorrent because I knew what it meant. The most disturbing scene of all is one in which the pair break into a basement hoping to find food but instead find humans who have turned into total savages, eating each other and waiting to be eaten by those who have imprisoned them there.

It struck me as evil. Yet I do not think that cannibalism is beyond starving humans, history has already proven that. It seems like the ultimate proof for evolution and the survival of the fittest.

Where does the Christian worldview fit into all of this? There are comments made in the film that if God had made humans he must have turned his back on them long ago, for there was no humanity left.

Perhaps I think way too much. But I was struck by the darkness of the human heart, the potential for evil. We think we know ourselves. But in desperation, what would you do? What might you become? God knows. He knows us truly. And he has forgiven us for it. And for a moment I could not understand why. But that's grace, I guess.

The only people for me are the mad ones.

2010-06-17T16:48:00.005+10:00

... and I shambled after as I've been doing all my life after people who interest me, because the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars...

- Jack Kerouac

The fear of God is the beginning of wisdom.

2010-06-17T12:14:00.002+10:00

The promise of eternity gives life an objective purpose. It provides meaning for even the most mundane of activities. Christians make this philosophical argument for God often, and I think the counter is that we hold onto this so dearly because we can't handle our own humanity. But it's not about needing a crutch, it's what seems logical if you actually consider the human condition.

The Christian... bus driver, to take Phillip Jensen's example, doesn't waste his life driving from Circular Quay to Central day in day out because every action is performed with the intent to glorify God and serve others. If God is your prime motivation, your work will last into eternity. It has meaning.

But I hear the objections: why can't any old person just enjoy driving a bus? Why can't anybody just be good to others because it makes them happy? Why do you need God to provide meaning? Why are you so hung up on meaning in the first place?

Initially I was stumped by this. I'm surrounded by people who, on the surface at least, are happy with their circumstance, with going out into the world and taking all that they can. And who could blame them? Life is short. Live it. Meaning is what you make it. If you waste your life, that's your business.

But think about this for a minute. The opportunity to go out and 'live out the dream' is only afforded to the upper middle classes of Western society. Sure, they can live happily and ignore that God provides the ultimate meaning for their life, they can ignore the promise of eternity because right now - everything is riches and happiness. Why must God enter the equation?

But for millions, possibly billions of people, their life is nothing but drudgery, misery and a cruel joke if eternity does not exist. The Gospel, the knowledge that Jesus' death and resurrection provides forgiveness of sins and the hope of life eternal can give meaning to the lives of men, women and children who would not have thought it possible. Their lives are immediately transformed and given purpose once they know of eternity.

This is an incredible thought, really. You could spend your life in the most miserable of circumstances, but if you have that hope, if you know God, nothing can break you. And I've read of so many examples of people who have known this truth and lived joyfully in it, regardless of where God has placed them.

Keep your shiny things. Eternity will show them for what they really are. I wish I wasn't so surrounded by the lie!

Odd memory triggers.

2010-06-15T23:31:00.002+10:00

I joined WordPress, people. But then was too lazy to make anything of it.

Here are some strange ways in which I am remembering greek words (bear with the transliteration):

peripateo: made me think of peri peri sauce. i walk... to Nando's.
ikanos: i can... sufficient, enough.
palaios: palace... old
krateo: not i grab... i take hold of
klaio: white people cry. asian people cly. i weep. this one made me laugh forever.
enduo: i endure... to put on
peitho: i pethuade... saying persuade with a lisp
tuphlos: it is hard to floss... when you're blind
perisseuo: i abound in sigmas
loipos: loiter... remaining
plousios: surplus... rich

And so on. Sounds ridiculous but it's working.

Also, this post is dedicated to Vincent Chan who apparently reads every one.

If I ever have children...

2010-06-10T19:10:00.002+10:00

I'm going to run my fingers through their hair to lull them to sleep every night.

An unexpected hit.

2010-06-07T18:56:00.004+10:00

At youth group camp this year we each had pet rocks. You're probably already cringing at the thought, but get this - it actually worked. On Friday night we got each of the kids and leaders to select a pebble, spray paint it, stick eyes on it and give it a name. This name had to be written on the bottom of the rock and on a piece of paper that went into a little tub.

Rocks needed to be kept on the kids at all times. We would have random checks and if you didn't have your rock, then... punishment! We nominated penalties and stuck them in a box and if a kid couldn't produce their rock when asked... penalty! One person had a moustache drawn on them mwaahahah.

At each meal time we did something called pet rock raffle. We would draw a name out of the tub and whoever owned that rock had to introduce their rock to others and then themself by answering either/or questions, telling us who they would take on a 12 hour flight and one thing they learnt at EPIC. The kids loved the raffle and would always call out "one more! one more!". It was great for them to get to know each other as well.

We came up with pet rocks because it seemed to fit our 'prehistoric' theme but the way in which it introduced the kids to each other and how they were absolutely on board with it was kind of unexpected. It probably worked quite well because we only have small numbers, around 24 kids were on camp. But it was a great idea!

The camp before time.

2010-06-07T01:48:00.002+10:00

I am so exhausted. It is almost 2am but I wanted to make this video and upload it somewhere. So I did and now I'm posting it here. It was such a good weekend. I'm glad I was keen to try and make a movie out of it. I took less photos, but being able to make a clip is pretty cool. Anyway, here's what EPIC looks like!

The value of a skit?

2010-06-03T22:18:00.003+10:00

I'm not sure I like this. I don't think it adequately explains God, Jesus sin and us. It would be difficult to do so in a 3 minute skit, granted... I like the way in which it reminded me that I'm constantly struggling with sin... But it portrayed the sinner fighting their way back to God and making it. Ok I know it's just a skit but... Well I have seen skits performed and liked them. But I don't like this one. I think there are too many things wrong with it.

Public service announcement.

2010-05-25T21:15:00.003+10:00

Recently I've realised something. I'm quiet. I never would have described myself as such but people have been bringing to my attention of late that I have a tendency to remain silent and for some reason it is disconcerting (to them).

Here are some of the reasons why I think I am quiet sometimes.

1) I'm listening. Properly.
2) I don't think I have anything relevant or helpful to say. I'm not a massive fan of talking crap, regardless of the impression my blog gives.
3) I'm not sure of my opinion and don't want to sound silly.
4) I'm tired.
5) I disapprove and am thinking of the most tactful way to say so.
6) I'm comfortable. I enjoy your company. Must we speak?

It's down to you to figure out which one applies to any given situation. Oh and one more, if I'm not talking and just kind of staring into the distance, I'm most definitely thinking about something so if you really feel uncomfortable because of my prolonged silence maybe a quick way to break the ice would be to just ask me what's on my mind.

Ramblings of the 6am kind.

2010-05-24T06:32:00.002+10:00

Dear politics, you are ruining me.

Dear blackboard, you are fail at 6.26am in the morning.

Dear Christine, it's your own stupid fault.

So sometimes I wonder what stops us from just telling people the Gospel. I was singing lyrics last night something along the vein of: I know the truth, I'll tell everyone I know etc. etc.

But I don't tell everyone I meet and so much of our focus is on how to make the truth more attractive or how to get people in or whatever and sometimes I just think it's a cop out. Amy Carmichael rebuked a colleague who suggested starting a knitting group to gather women around her so that 'they would love her and listen to the Gospel.' To which Amy replied, the truth needs no extra frills it will speak for itself. When I first read this I kinda thought that Amy was way hardcore, well she was, but she does have a point. Newsflash: the Gospel is offensive no matter which way you put it. Whether you dress it up in a high tea or beer tasting or whatever. We're always trying to show the world that we're normal somehow, trying to fit in but we're not apart of this world, we are different and we will be mocked and shunned and time is short and anyone who really truly cared about evangelism didn't sit around planning evangelistic events they went out and told people.

I'm in one of those really convicted moods where I know I should be better and bolder than I am but the mot frustrating thing is that I'm not and I won't do any walk-up evangelism this week like I haven't for the whole of semester and it's pretty much lame.

The end.

I hear MTS is good for that.

2010-05-22T19:13:00.002+10:00

Youth group has been such a challenge for me this year. I think it's the most humbling ministry I've ever been apart of. I have been looking forward to leading for years and now that I'm here, I feel ridiculously inadequate. As though I don't have the right personality, enough patience, creativity...

It would be silly to expect that I would just fit right in and find myself in my element. Something as small as planning games stresses me out. And the kids - how to get into their worlds and show them you genuinely care without stifling them or how to join in their conversations without killing them instantaneously with cliched questions...

Most of the kids at youth group struggle with Christianity. Friday nights are a social event, or it's something that they're forced into by their parents. When your kids are hiding from you in the next room hoping not to be found when youth group starts, you know you've got trouble. Christianity to them is pathetic and irrelevant. And even to the older kids who have grown up going to church, thanking God for Jesus is an amusing afterthought. I have spent so much time telling other leaders that God will be the one to move the hearts of whom he chooses in any manner of ways but now I feel that I could end up blaming myself. What aren't I doing? What can I be doing better? Is it me? Gosh. Self-absorbed much.

Experiences like this make the idea of MTS more attractive. Best to make the mistakes and figure out ministry during a time when it's expected that you'll make mistakes and there are people there to help you figure it out.

I know perfectly well how I breathe.

2010-05-20T22:44:00.003+10:00

In the car listening to Richard Mercer's love song dedications tonight. Kind of dig it just because it's been around for pretty much forever and I like nostalgia. But I've struggled to listen to love songs in general lately. Not because my heart is breaking or anything, but because, well, I feel as though the lyrics can sometimes be... idolatrous. Think I'm being dramatic? Well then.

Exhibit A:

How do I breathe
Without you here by my side
How will I see
When your love brought me to the light
Where do I go
When your hearts where I lay my head
When you're not with me
How do I breathe
How do I breathe

I really don't like these words at all. Not if they're dedicated to another human being. A lot of the time I don't feel I can sing the lyrics of love songs to any one but God. God is the centre of my world and the reason why I breathe and 'the one' I'm looking for and the one who 'completes me' and [insert lovers cliche here]. It's kind of frustrating to listen to. Jesus! I want to shout at the singer. What you really, truly want is Jesus! People are so desperate for an all-fulfilling and faithful relationship but often find nothing but pain and disappointment because humans are sinners and fragile, temporary beings. I couldn't rest my entire reason for being in another human. Don't get me wrong, I know that we're made for relationships and they're wonderful and feelings are strong but if I get to the stage where I'm singing lyrics like that about a guy and really mean them please do me a favour and snap me out of it.

EDIT

Ok, thought about this a little more. My comments now seem kind of naive, or at least could come across that way. I still think those lyrics are stupid and that mostly people are singing of relationships and significant others as though there really is no other purpose to life and obviously this is antithetical to the Christian worldview. But, I suppose in another sense when a man and woman are married they do complete each other - they're one flesh. I don't want to take that for granted either. All I'm saying is, the ultimate relationsip is the one between a sinner and God made possible by the blood of Jesus. And that is all I'm going to say about that.

Catharsis.

2010-04-17T14:53:00.002+10:00

Perhaps I should have gone to bed earlier last night. Perhaps I should have had something more substantial for breakfast. Perhaps I could have prepared myself better. I can't stand the thought that I could be so weak.

But yes, it happened.

I sit down in a chair, the back of which is promptly lowered until I am stretched out. The lamp above me is switched on and immediately blinds me but I can't help but keep my eyes open. The dentist wastes no time in forcing open my mouth and jabbing the relevant teeth with her silver tool. "Do you have panadol?" she asks, as later on in the day I will certainly need it to aid the pain. Without explanation, without ceremony at all, it begins. Her assistant calls over: "the short one or the long one?" "Long one," she replies. Passed over in front of my eyes is the longest needle I have ever seen, just as silver and sinister looking as the rest of the dentist's tools but infinitely more frightening because I know it's purpose. Suddenly I feel it, penetrating my gum and my hands act of their own accord, the nails of my right hand start to dig into the flesh of the left. "Can you feel your lip tingling?" "A little," I answer and I wonder whether the anaesthetic will really do it's job. At the very least, it is making me feel nauseous and I try to block out that distinct feeling that I associate with being on my knees in front of a toilet... At this point I realise it will help to close my eyes and try to block it all out but too late - I know what's coming and before I can compose myself the needle plunges in once more...

Suddenly I'm awaking and I remember snatches of a dream, but I'm dizzy and this is unfamiliar and cold hard reality hits me. Something isn't right. My clothes are soaked through with sweat, I can hardly breathe and begin to gasp and to add insult to injury, I start to sob. I'm turned over on my side and my mother's hand clasps over one of my own. I hear snatches of conversation, "ambulance" my mother says and even in this state I know she's overreacting as usual. But ambulance or not, I'm terrified. My hands are shaking, I feel limp, and half of my face has finally succumbed to the anaesthetic, the metallic taste of which is still on my tongue. A part of me wants to be rational about this, to pull myself together and not frighten those in the waiting room, but the child in me prevails and I cling to my mother and continue to cry because it feels better than not. "You passed out, love," mum tells me. Pass out? From fear? Me?

All I know is, this could make for a killer bible talk illustration.

Bittersweet.

2010-04-14T20:29:00.003+10:00

I adored being in Wellington over the weekend. It is only very rarely that I have the opportunity to be surrounded by family. I cherish the experience. We are scattered and so it is only in the event of death or celebration that we see each other. Despite the fact that I only see the lot of them every few years, I love them so much. I really wish that we could have somehow spent more time together than this, that we could know everything about each other's lives and that we could talk and laugh with some familiarity. I wish they knew who I was, that they could understand the person I have become and the person that I so want to be.

Inevitably talk turns to the future. 'Ministry' I answer and the replies are hollow, polite but ultimately confused. I begin to explain to others my hopes almost apologetically because I know it is not what they are expecting. And for a moment I wish I could say: "well I'm in my third year of international studies and doing advanced french by now which is just as well because I'll be heading to the University of Paris in July for a year-long study abroad program and I'd like to do honours and when I'm done? Well, diplomacy, policy-making or something of the like, naturally..."

Which is honestly where I would be if my first MYC hadn't turned my world completely upside down and I knew that my priorities had to be changed. I'm not the first to make such a decision, in fact I know people all over the place who are making choices that the world thinks are mad. I just gave up a glorified BA, I shudder to think what my family might have thought if I'd given up a Med degree...

But I refuse to regret it. He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain that which he cannot lose - Jim Eliott, of course.

But what hurts even more is that although we have the same blood running through our veins, I will never have the depth of relationship required to explain why I made this decision, why I will keep making these decisions, why this is more than just religious fanatacism, that I'm not the same child they once knew, but different and better and happier because I'm free. Because I'm saved. Why are the people closest to us the very hardest to reach?

Being smashed by Amy Carmichael #301.

2010-03-31T19:01:00.002+11:00

You who can resist the half-articulate pleading of many and many a heart today, can you resist this? From millions of voiceless souls, it is rising now- does it not touch you at all? The missionary magazines try to echo the silent sob. You read them? Yes; and you skim for good stories, nice pictures, bits of excitement- the more the better. Then they drop into the wastepaper basket, or swell some dusty pile in the corner. For perhaps "there isn't much in them." Very likely not; "there isn't much" in the silence any more than in darkness, at least not very much reducible to print; but to God there is something in it for all that. Oh! you-you, I mean, who are weary of hearing the reiteration of the great unrepealed commission, you who think you care, but who certainly don't, past costing point, is there nothing will touch you?

And another thing, if this woman described herself as "weak and good-for-nothing" on the mission field, Lord help me.

Curiouser and curiouser.

2010-03-29T20:12:00.002+11:00

Is that even how you spell curiouser? Is that even a word? Anyway.

People are so curious. Almost to the point of nosey. I notice it mostly on trains. Once there was a commotion in the carriage part that you first step in to and the woman next to me (we were sitting on the top level) practically jumped up and over her to seat to see what was going on. Or today, apparently someone had fallen over while trying to get on to the train. People crowded around and craned their necks for the smallest glimpse. So very, very curious. I wonder why they are so curious about stupid, little things and yet can't be stuffed to figure out why the heck they are on this planet. Does nobody stop to think over the completely hopeless position they are in without God? Hurtling towards certain death, it may come at any moment and they walk on without a second thought as to why they were born into this world or why it keeps turning or why it started to turn in the first place. Apparently this predicament is nowhere near as interesting as an iPhone etc.

I want this on a t-shirt.

2010-03-04T11:42:00.001+11:00

Haikus are easy
But sometimes they don't make sense
Refrigerator.

Sorry that I'm not endeavouring to share something more profound.

What does it mean to be passionate?

2010-02-12T15:27:00.002+11:00

I spent a lot of time being debriefed after the India mission trip. One of the last things we did together as a group was to write on a piece of paper nice things about one another. It was supposed to be anonymous but I knew everyone’s handwriting by that stage. Anyway, the most frequent comment I received was: ‘passionate’. Up until now, I thought that was a great characteristic to have. It seemed the best way to describe my sometimes ‘extreme’ personality when it came down to things I really cared about. This week however, I’ve been challenged to think about whether I want to be described as this any longer. The thing is – passion is something that has the potential to get the better of you, and is often preceded with words like ‘unbridled’. The more I think about it and turn to Scripture for help in figuring it out, the more I’m being led to think that one shouldn’t be striving for this at all. Not when the Spirit demands self-control and a quick look at my concordance associates ‘passion’ only with corrupted flesh.

Perhaps it’s just semantics. Let’s say I’m convicted. Enthusiastic. That could work. The problem is, passionate is still the word that describes me best.

I finally stopped to think about what it means to be called passionate after a recent study of Matthew 5. We were discussing Jesus as the fulfilment of the law and his role in ‘clarifying’ the law for us – helping us to understand how sinful we are by highlighting that not only must we not murder, but we mustn’t even get angry – “But I say to you that everyone who is angry with his brother will be liable to judgment...” Murder is the result of hate and anger and these things begin in the heart, therefore, don’t get angry.

I was convicted. I had been denying the influence of anger over me; indeed I hadn’t even stopped to think about the grievous sin that it is. I posted recently that I didn’t want to shake anger I felt at injustice. Is this righteous anger? Yet Wednesday night’s discussion concluded that sinful humans are incapable of righteous anger. I know perfectly well, however, that the anger I feel in other situations has no justification and I began to examine my heart. I followed it back to this idea of being passionate. I only associate myself with being passionate because it suggests that I care deeply, but it also suggests that one could be ignorant and headstrong and if it is not in check it will spill over into things like... anger.

References to anger in the New Testament are most often grouped with other desires and passions of the flesh. We are told this is how we once were but we are made new through Jesus and by the power of the Holy Spirit we are to put to death our earthly selves.

Galatians 5:16-24

But I say, walk by the Spirit and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do... Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatory, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you... those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God... And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.

Colossians 3:3

For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God. Put to death therefore what is earthly in you... on account of these the wrath of God is coming. In these you too once walked, when you were living in them. But now you must put them all away: anger, wrath...

Does a passionate person have in mind the things of God, or themself? I think the latter. They’re swept away by their emotions and thoughts and these things define them. A passionate person thinks their cause is the most important. These are all preliminary thoughts, obviously. But I understand that passion is such a strong word; it implies many things. I never stopped to truly consider it before. Nothing like Scripture to turn you upside down.

Europe calling.

2010-02-07T12:12:00.003+11:00

For the second week in a row I was part of a team at a trivia night to raise money for overseas mission. This week was much more successful in terms of being able to answer questions, we won corporate seats to see the Waratahs at ANZ Stadium (who the Waratahs are and what sport they play was lost on me but no matter).

This year Moore College is sending a mission team to Germany, and the couple I supported last night, Jason and Cindy, are going a little earlier to do a 'vision' tour with an organisation called European Christian Mission or ECM. We were given a quick overview of the state of Christianity in Germany and Europe in general and although I already had a fair idea that Europe was extremely secular the statistics really opened my eyes. In Germany, less than 5 per cent are evangelical Christians who regularly attend church. That's actually the good news. Only 2 per cent of the whole of Europe is Christian. I wonder if I heard that wrong, honestly, but I'm very keen to learn more about this mission field.

If we ever consider overseas mission, our first thoughts are the African/Asian hotspots. Well, admittedly, mine are. But perhaps I never should have dropped French. There are more Christians in Africa than in Europe! Somewhere over the last few hundred years Christianity seems to have become completely irrelevant. Perhaps two world wars have something to do with it? Yet Africa, ravaged by war, disease, famine and corruption constantly, has still managed to turn out Christians.

I wonder how Europe became this way.

facepalm

2010-02-03T19:15:00.001+11:00

Why, Tony Abbott, why?

I just defended you, man. Now I feel stupid.

Learning to say no.

2010-02-03T12:16:00.003+11:00

Must... close... tab...

Or else... will... apply...

For this.

Kind of disappointed that the core values mentioned don't specifically say "committed to the poor... because Jesus said so."

I guess if I were that keen to volunteer my time, I would rather it be with an organisation that was upfront about its Christian values as opposed to keeping them on the downlow so as not to offend.

Speaking of which, the Oaktree Foundation seems to have finally given up any pretensions to aiding the poor because the love of Christ compels us. Zero mention on the 'about' page of the Christian values that I once thought were integral to Hugh Evans' deciding to start up the organisation in the first place. Hugh has moved on, mind you. Still. Disappointed.

I can't even watch a DVD without thinking too much.

2010-02-02T19:39:00.004+11:00

Due to my being technologically challenged and not realising that one needs to switch tabs to 'February' on Google calendar, I screwed up my work availability and as such, have lots of free time this week. Perhaps it's a nice reminder to calm down with all the working to earn all the money and once again learn to live with a little, hey?

Last night with Emma I was keen on a DVD. A period drama, perhaps. I quite like those. And not because I'm madly in love with Mr. Darcy and the like (so get off my case) but because I secretly think I was born in the wrong era and would love to be living in a society that observed strict etiquette and in which courtships were the norm. Although all this propriety would probably forbid my loud laugh and constant "rock on" hand gestures, but anyway. Becoming Jane, I suggested, a biopic starring Anne Hathaway about Jane Austen (of course). Instead we come home with... Inglourious Basterds. Sigh. She was paying.

Tarantino is a sick man and I am way too squeamish. I felt odd watching the movie, not just because my legs get all tingly at the mere thought of a person being scalped, but because I didn't know how I felt exactly about Nazi Germany being satirised. It wasn't overt, just little things, like the characterisation of Hitler and his burning red face. I'm about to spoil it, but the film ends at a theatre showing a Nazi film and the theatre is filled with all of the key players of the war and the owner of the theatre, a Jewess, locks them all in and burns them to a cinder. It's odd that one would watch this, almost with triumphant satisfaction: they got what they deserved. It was awful, just awful. I didn't care that it wasn't based on fact (obviously) but the Holocaust was real, people died and the thirst for revenge was and probably still is in some hearts, very real. I don't even know what I'm really trying to convey but I couldn't ignore the reality of WWII and see this film as a comedy or as the ending to the war that everyone wished could have happened.

I can't comment with any authority whatsoever, I've never lost family members in such an atrocity, but sometimes I find myself thinking, what would I do if I were in their situation? The Jewess in the film, her whole family was murdered before her eyes and she wanted retribution. Could you say that the man who hunted and executed her family did not deserve death? What would I say? I don't think about what I would do. I first think: this is what Jesus did for me. I trust Jesus. I am a Christian. I am different. How does this affect the way I will react to any given situation? Ok this situation is extreme and completely hypothetical but I still think it's worth examining. God doesn't say trust me until... this happens and you can get away with it: hating, hurting, murdering. There are no loopholes.

It makes me stop and think, ok God, how much do I really trust you? How far am I willing to die to myself to become more like Jesus? Because I know what he would do, I know it because of what he's already done. Jesus would forgive even the men responsible for the Holocaust if they came to him with a repentant heart. And if that thought sickens me, then do I understand the gravity of sin, my own sin and the incredible scope of God's forgiveness? It's enough to turn over in your mind for... years.

I have the next few days to get started, at least.

Thoughts that challenge me.

2010-01-31T21:28:00.004+11:00

From Practical Theology for Women:

While God certainly set up a just system protective of human rights in His instructions on government to Moses, I don’t see God as overly preoccupied by individual civil rights as He calls His children to some pretty glorious roads of obedience through suffering...
Ladies, it’s ok to let go of your rights. You can trust the One who judges justly to perhaps defend you, but to most definitely use you as you are spent like Christ for the furtherance of His kingdom. And THAT is freedom, my friends.

Jean on submission in practice:

The details will be different in every marriage, but one thing is certain: submission is an attitude which affects everything - thoughts, feelings, words, actions - every moment of every day.

This post is quite challenging. It still amazes me just how radically different Christian women are. This list is sometimes hard for me to swallow. Makes me realise how selfless one has to be in marriage and that there's no way you could do it on your own strength. I expect that you'd have to be appealing to God quite often to fill you with grace and patience. But what would I know, really.

And I like this:

In my mind, I baked cookies, but what nobody told me was, I really hate baking: then, now, and forever, amen. In my mind, I like the idea of baking and wearing an apron, though. The truth is I don’t own a checkered apron that ties in the back and has a pocket full of pinecones.

And now I'm wondering whether there are any blogs by younger, unmarried women. I like these thoughts on marriage and whatnot because they are helpful but... you know... I'm not quite there yet.

Purity? What about it?

2010-01-28T23:29:00.007+11:00

I am becoming more and more frustrated by each new article I read on the following quote from Tony Abbott concerning pre-marital sex which he 'let slip' during an interview with the Australian Women's Weekly: ''I think I would say to my daughters if they were to ask me this question . . . it is the greatest gift that you can give someone, the ultimate gift of giving and don't give it to someone lightly, that's what I would say.''

It has provoked such indignant responses and has once and for all convinced me that sex has almost zero meaning in our secular and liberal society:

But in its own way, the Opposition Leader's description of virginity as ''the greatest gift you can give someone, the ultimate gift of giving'' was nauseating. The comment both fetishes a woman's virginity and reduces her value to the presence of a hymen, to the unpenetrated state of her vagina. Why is that the greatest gift a woman can give someone? What about her mind? Her actions? Dare I say it, her soul? If I were one of Abbott's daughters I would be furious to have my value reduced to the state of my hymen.

Worse is the suggestion that our "greatest gift" is still just a sexual one. Not our intelligence, professional contributions, support, capacity to love, laugh, or just suffer through an entire Boxing Day Test match, but the giving of sex.

These women are fuming because they believe Abbott to be sexist and old-fashioned. I'm fuming because they would obviously think me a naive and ridiculous prude. Oh and religious nut. I'm just amazed at the way in which they write about sex. According to this last woman, purity is to be valued AFTER intelligence, professional contributions, support, capacity to love (this one really, really annoys me because obviously this writer has absolutely no clue as to the real meaning of love), laugh or willingness to suffer through cricket. And what exactly does the first writer presume to be the soul? How could purity, emotional and physical, not totally encompass that notion? If you've had several partners and shared yourself with them so intimately before you finally find "the one" what are you going to have left to give? What soul have you? What, I ask you?!

Oh, Carolyn McCulley, how right you are when you say that being a biblical woman in this world is a radical act.

Darn.

2010-01-24T15:18:00.003+11:00

Have just noticed that the EQUIP book club is going through The Scarlet Letter. I bought a copy of it in the Philippines for $2.50 along with about ten or so other Penguin classics. Up to post number 6. Darn. Not that I couldn't just refer to the blogs later, but still.

Also, I am super excited about the EQUIP conference this year. The main talks are always great but the electives in particular seem wicked interesting:

Confessions of a Shopaholic - Carmelina Read on what the Bible has to say about retail therapy
The Fineprint of Feminism - Claire Smith opening our eyes to the influence of feminism (edging towards this one because Claire Smith makes you think)
Single minded - Dani Treweek on God's purpose for singleness
Love in hard places - Susan Shiner on how to love our enemies and those who hurt us
Answering back - Alison Napier on how to engage with skeptics and enquirers
EQUIP workout - Tara Thornley will host an elective for women considering full-time ministry that will allow them to meet women who are already serving in Australia and overseas

Thinking again, I've done a bit on feminism, singleness, apologetics, thinking about ministry... Love in hard places might be the most helpful for me. Either way, how good are these electives? There are more than usual and I love how they've really tried to make it relevant for women of all ages: "Whether you're a baby-boomer, Gen X, Gen Y or whatever, EQUIP10 will be talking to your generation." I thought that was cool because I've had a few chats to Isobel about girls around my age wondering whether EQUIP was for them because they weren't too keen on an elective on, I don't know, hospitality or something. But every woman should find something interesting this year :)

Political rant.

2010-01-24T14:41:00.001+11:00

I have an on again/off again interest in Australian politics. I think it’s important to have, at the very least, a vague idea of who is running the country, what their policies are and what progress they have made while serving in office. My knowledge, if I may call it that, is furnished by a daily reading of The Australian (chosen because it is 75 cents on UNSW campus and because I believe it to be superior to the Telegraph except for the impossibility of attempting to read it on the train. Honestly, I could wallpaper half my house with just one page of The Australian) and sometimes switching on ABC1. Yet every time I insist on following politics and trying to develop some concrete political views of my own, I become intensely frustrated. Is it ever possible to find impartial reporting on the government and the opposition? I want to know who is standing for government, what they stand for, what policies they will introduce and what the consequences of their actions will be and I want to hear it from a source that isn’t already polluted by the author’s/producer’s own personal left or right wing bias. Impossible. It is impossible, I tell you. I think I understand where Descartes was coming from...

I also tend to stop following politics when I decide that I’ve just read too much about how flaky and just plain stupid politicians can be. I get disheartened and give up. I think, ordinarily, I’d be coming back to that point after trying to follow leadership fiascos in the federal opposition and state government and in the aftermath of Copenhagen still wondering whether Rudd is full of anything other than hot air and whether or not he has done anything significant since being elected (I think the verdict is still out on whether or not his stimulus package will be beneficial to Australia in the long-term, but even as I type this I’m wondering what source of information has been feeding that thought).

BUT, I have decided this time not to revert back to ignorance. Goodness, I still know very little but I hope to at least be anything other than completely ignorant. No matter how ridiculous and uninteresting politics may seem, I am extremely thankful that we do have a government that, for the most part, works for us. Nowhere in Australia will you find a politician culpable for the murder of 57 political rivals, their families and journalists. Nowhere in Australia will you find images of people fighting for the freedom of a democracy. Nowhere in Australia is the idea of an election synonymous with curfews and intimidation. People in the world today are willing to die for the freedom that we have – for the privilege that it is to scrutinise candidates and keep them honest, enter a polling booth and say without fear “I choose you”. Not to mention the insult that I personally think it is to the suffragettes of the early 20th century to turn around as a woman and care nothing for my vote.

I’m just terrified of being ignorant and taking for granted all of the freedoms that I have and I wish that more people felt the same.

An unusual dress code for a wedding.

2010-01-16T19:32:00.002+11:00

Barefeet.

Yep. No shoes, please. And in Liverpool of all places. But my goodness it was a fantastic wedding. The first one I'd been to where the couple getting married were my peers and my friends.

For the first time, I came away from a wedding feeling encouraged. I was so happy for them, so thankful to God and so amazed by the blessings we have from him. He's just so good was my resounding thought. I was really happy that I felt this way, that I left content and praising God rather than lamenting the fact that I had no prospect of getting engaged in the near future. I'm only 20 years old, honestly, I have the rest of my life to be married to someone. I once read though that what most people want is a wedding. They want a day - a party, a dress, a walk down the aisle, friends and family and the anticipation of a wedding night. Marriage is another thing altogether. That's the part where you realise that that person is actually going to be there everyday and you need to love them, all of them, for as long as you both shall live. Girls fantasise over colour schemes and flowers and the music they'll dance to, not necessarily about what it looks like to submit to, respect and honour their husbands. I'm not sure if it's common for girls to daydream about marriage.

That being said, it's still a wonderful gift, a beautiful way in which two people can witness Christ's love for us and I'm looking forward to it - if it is God's plan for me.

Thinking about death.

2010-01-14T14:28:00.002+11:00

I just came back from a memorial. A memorial for one of the girls who was in my sunday school class and in my group of youth group girls. I found out about her death while I was away. Horriffic circumstance. Yet, just now... I'm happy. maybe not happy. I don't know. Oh yes time to break out one of my favourite words: joyful. I'm joyful and I'm content. I mourned her loss. But I can't feel sad when I know the truth: to live is Christ and to die is gain. There was no need for sadness. Well yes, she won't be around to liven up my sunday school class anymore, but she trusted Jesus, his victory over death is now hers.

When I first found out, I went straight to scripture for comfort of course. 1 Corinthians 15: where, O death is your victory? where, O death is your sting? Those triumphant words. I could recite them all day long. The freedom and comfort they provide is inexpressible. A Christian funeral is a celebration.

And so I feel a great burden now. There are people very close to me, whom I love very much, who don't know Jesus as Lord and Savior. I don't know how I'd react to their death. I'd be a mess. I'd feel like I'd failed them. I can't ignore the reality any longer. There's no comfort in their death.

And so I'm encouraged, but it feels like I've also been reminded - or warned, almost. Life is short. Our purpose is to know God and serve him and once we do, we must spread that message. We are responsible.

So what am I doing about it?

Should we prioritise social justice or evangelism?

2010-01-08T10:38:00.002+11:00

Some bloke named Steve Brown:

That’s a false dichotomy.

A follower of Christ doesn’t put on a “social justice” hat and then an “evangelism” hat and then try to discern which hat to wear the most and which hat is the most valuable. Why? Because it isn’t a hat; it’s the head and the heart. You can’t exchange either. They are integral to the person.

When a Christian sees someone who is physically hungry, a Christian feeds the hungry person. Why? Because hungry people can’t understand the plan of salvation? No. Simply because that person is hungry. That’s what Christians do. And if a person is spiritually hungry, a Christian becomes “one beggar telling another beggar where he or she found bread.” Why? Because that’s what Christians do.

Found amongst other opinions collected here.

Just random stuff I wanted to share.

2009-12-14T15:04:00.003+11:00

1. I missed out on NTE but I certainly didn't miss out on mission. Even if I'd trekked out to Canberra, I'd definitely have come back to Fairfield for mission because so much was happening. For once I was on the outside though. I watched the team of 18 from Townsville/Northern Territory work their butts off. I could hardly believe it. I know that's what you do when you're on mission. You throw yourself into it, you're of the mindset that you can rest when you get home. But it still blew me away how determined these students were to serve us. I know how exhausted they must have been, yet they were completely self-sacrifical. Can you get that apart from Christ?

2. One person in particular who was on the team humbled me very much. Her name is Esther Staines. If the name Graham Staines means nothing to you, Wiki can provide a quick overview here. I couldn't believe it when I saw her name listed among the students. Surely it wasn't the same girl... The same girl whom I'd heard quoted by everyone from John Piper to Carmelina Reed. But after several conversations with her and others my thoughts were confirmed. I couldn't bring myself to ask many questions about the situation but we did share what we loved about India and all I really had to do to be encouraged by her was... watch. Everything from the clothes she wore to her interaction with others to the way she would stick it out handing out fliers while everyone else had gone to sleep in the sun - she is a woman of God, through and through.

3. A little discouraged by the reaction of yrs 7-9 at Bossley Park High today to our Christmas assembly. I guess it just made me aware of how serious it is to turn your back on God. Unbelief is truly a sin. It hurt so much to hear and see people totally reject the Gospel.

4. But still really excited about ministry in Fairfield in general: the Scripture teachers who will be employed to work full-time in the area in 2010, our assistant minister Steve Frederick starting his multicultural church plant in Fairfield next year and all the contacts he is making, the South West theological college and conference getting off the ground, how supportive Fairfield markets has been and God providing us with free stalls over Christmas... Barneys in Bossley Park is seriously a powerhouse I'm so blessed to be there.

That's all.

Vent.

2009-12-07T11:53:00.004+11:00

I've hit a wall. Frustratingly enough, I feel that NTE09 would have helped me to smash through it. I need to be pushed. I need something to engage with. I need a challenge. I need a reminder. I need perspective. I need to examine my heart. Rather, I need God to do so. I need... ?

A BA is good for something.

2009-11-14T17:26:00.003+11:00

I miss intellectual stimulus. I actually miss philosophy. It stretched me. It forced me to read and research because my beliefs were attacked from all sides. I needed to know why I should stick to them. I don't have much to blog about these days. What can you post about when your mind has gone soft?

New blog.

2009-09-14T20:18:00.003+10:00

I have posted naught but crapola on this blog for a while now and I think it's time to move on. I have started up another blog that I feel will be far more useful:

http://southwestministry.blogspot.com/

I guess the title is pretty self-explanatory. I might let this blog linger for a little while longer but I think I may end up deleting it. Just a heads up.

Wake up!

2009-08-29T19:18:00.002+10:00

The more that I get together with people from the South-West to discuss ministry in the South-West, I become more excited and, paradoxically, more appalled. There is so much potential here. It's insane. The South-West of Sydney is the most multicultural region of one of the most multicultural nations on Earth. I don't think you could number the different people groups, languages, nations that are represented here, it is a truly unique demographic. More than that, it's a mission field. Ok, everywhere is a mission field but, oh my goodness, why can't people see it? The South-West is the back door to the rest of the world! People have come from their closed countries and are just walking around waiting to hear about Jesus! There are whole churches in the South-West of people who used to be Muslim and now they are saved by grace! It is them that we need - because they then can go back to their countries, to their own people, whom they know best, and do God's saving work. It's ridiculous. How are we just letting these opportunities fly by? You don't need to go to Yemen, go to Fairfield! You will find someone from Yemen! Strategy. I flipping hate that word. Here's a strategy for you: preach Jesus to the South-West of Sydney and I'm telling you that you will reach the nations. Thank you Lord for opening my eyes!

Latest thoughts on women preachers.

2009-08-23T00:11:00.002+10:00

Believe me, I have many, but I just know that I'm going to come across as completely ungracious, as I'm sure so often happens when I blog. Also, I don't even know where to start.

In a nutshell, right now, I'm quite happy with complementarian theology (no surprises there), although I do think there might be a case for women preaching under the authority of men. Yet my concessions on this only exist because of inconsistencies I've heard that are so ridiculous I think that they might as well. The other day I also had another thought - female missionaries who have taught God's Word to men and it seems as though He truly used them for that purpose as opposed to smiting them because they dared to teach the opposite sex.

Two other thoughts I'll mention (why does everything come to me in two's?).

I guess when I think of the women who I look to as godly examples, I'm looking to women who strongly adhere to comp-ism. None of the women I look to (Isobel Lin, Carmelina Read, Tara Thornley, Nicole Starling, Di Warren, Ainsley Poulos...) feel the need to teach men nor is it something that they feel the need to 'fight' for. I believe that God made men and women fundamentally different and therefore our roles in ministry will be different. Being a woman is not easy. Teaching women to be godly in this day and age has got to be an incredibly difficult task. There is so much to battle against. On top of this, women are responsible for their families, for their homes and for supporting their husbands. It takes a lot of strength, integrity and security in your God-given role to accept this and as opposed to lamenting the fact that women are apparently 'oppressed' by the church because they can't get up and preach, I'd rather do a damn good job of fulfilling the roles that I know without a shred of a doubt are mine. On top of this - there seems to be fewer and fewer men going into ministry. What's needed now is a focus on men and I think women should be encouraging them to take leadership. But this should not be at the expense of limiting women's roles or diminishing them - womens ministry is so important, there is so much for us to do and to lead in...

Why must women want to teach men? Are their other roles not as important? Are they lesser? Women have so many opportunities for ministry, that's been my experience anyway. I have my hands quite full without wanting to preach to a congregation at some stage. I get the whole 'gift-based' view, but where does that end? If you follow the thoughts through to its logical conclusion then... anyone should be able to use that argument to get up and teach.

I think that's all I feel like sharing for now.

The ultimate guy filtering system.

2009-08-18T22:53:00.003+10:00

1. Ask God (then ask Him again, and once more...)
2. Must be screened by Peter Lin
3. Must ask my father's permission
4. Ask God

Some say that the thought of this gruelling process will have all potential suitors running 100 miles in the opposite direction and will result in my being single for the rest of my earthly existence. What? Like that's a bad thing?

I say that it shall sort the men from the boys.

Forgiveness.

2009-08-14T18:59:00.003+10:00

I had an epiphany today. I finally understood something. Properly. I was not doing anything particularly spectacular, just ironing lots of clothes, but I suppose the good thing about such a mundane task is that it leaves you free to think. I'm not entirely sure how I got on to pondering the nature of forgiveness but as I was doing so, something suddenly hit me. It's probably something that a lot of other people know, in fact it's probably something that I've always known but I maintain that there's a difference between knowing something and actually getting it. I think I finally get forgiveness.

This is going to sound painfully obvious but honestly, it was incredibly profound for me. Forgiveness means: not holding the hurtful actions of another person against them. It means, you don't use their past against them as a weapon. It means that they have a clean slate with you. You let it go. You love and serve that person as though nothing had ever happened.

But isn't that insane? How difficult is forgiveness? As soon as I understood this, I thought of people in my life whom I thought I had forgiven. Yet, so often, even if it is in my own mind, I dwell on past hurts and disappointments and try to justify my bitterness. That is not the attitude of someone who claims to have forgiven!

I try to rationalise my anger. Some hurts are too deep. The offence was unforgivable. They haven't learnt...

Then later today I read the story of ten-year-old Namrata. She is a little girl who lives in Orissa, in India. Christians in Orissa are currently under intense persecution from Hindu radicals. Namrata's family came under attack and a bomb was left in a bedroom cupboard. Once the intruders had left, all emerged from their hiding places and left the home - all except for Namrata who stayed inside to inspect the damage. The bomb exploded; shrapnel and flames wounded her face, hands and back. This is what she had to say:

"... we forgive the Hindu radicals who attacked us, who burned our homes. They were out of their minds, they do not know the love of Jesus. For this reason, I now want to study so that when I am older I can tell everyone how much Jesus loves us. This is my future. I want to dedicate my life to spreading the Gospel."

Words cannot express how great is the faith of this little girl or the grace of the amazing God who gave it to her. A ten-year-old girl, who has lived a bare existence and has suffered in ways that I can't even dream of, understands forgiveness better than I. She understands the nature of forgiveness because she understands the love of Christ and the pain he suffered that we might have forgiveness from God.

And therein lies my true understanding. I have offended God in every way possible. Over and over again. I cannot stop. Yet does he hold even one action against me? I crucify my Lord every day and he forgives me every day.

I don't have the right to bear a grudge. There is nothing that anyone could ever possibly do to me that would justify my withholding forgiveness, and I should offer that forgiveness not just with words, but from the bottom of my heart. If I understand the forgiveness of sins granted to me, I can joyfully and sincerely say, to anybody, for anything - I forgive you.

The Soup Ark plug.

2009-08-10T15:37:00.003+10:00

The more 'God-related' stuff I post on Facebook, the less Facebook friends I seem to have. Maybe it's coincidence. Maybe I'm still an arsehole. Haha.

Anyway, for some thoughts that are actually worth reading go visit Sue.

I'm an arsehole.

2009-08-09T16:27:00.003+10:00

Ok that may be quite a confronting title and well, go figure, because it was inspired by those crazy kids over at Tharunka.

Dear Tharunks,

Most of us have, at some point in our lives, been arseholes. For some this is a fleeting, transitory stage; for others, not. Either way, why not memorialise your arseholiness in Tharunka? We are looking for people to send us a brief paragraph about a period in their lives during which they were an arsehole...

I was reading an old diary a few days ago. Year 9. O, the angst! I couldn't believe what I was reading. Surely that wasn't me? Surely I was never that catty, selfish and so utterly blind to the goodness of God? Frankly, I was an arsehole.

Here is what I am musing over. Do I reply to Tharunka? Do I dare express my transition from arsehole to follower of Jesus? I can hear it already, though. So being a Christian makes you perfect, then? Is everyone who is not a Christian automatically an arsehole?

Answer: We're all arseholes. The difference is that a Christian is willing to admit it, is willing to concede that the world is messed up because of it and Jesus died on the cross to redeem us from it.

How to not come across as holier-than-thou or as though I'm desperately trying to evangelise - that's my issue. I suppose I'd just tell the truth. I didn't want to be an arsehole anymore. Once I understood what Jesus did I started to live out the life I was born for. Yeah. I believe I actually became less of an arsehole.

So what about people who are just really... nice and great and who aren't arseholes or Christians? Good for them. But when God's standard is perfection, who can stand tall? And how to deal with the injustices caused by the rest of the arseholes whom you are apparently 'better than?' Good luck in trying to find a reason for getting along with the world when you don't have Jesus to motivate you. Without God, it's a free for all. But here we get into the murky waters of whether or not morals exist without God and by this time I'm pretty sure I've already exceeded the limit of a brief paragraph.

Argh! There's so much I feel I need to explain or justify. I'll see what I can come up with. I've put Tharunka to one side for quite a while now...

Think, Christine, think!

Life update.

2009-08-08T16:57:00.003+10:00

Because I've been inspired by Caroline.

Here are some things I have been up to lately.

Firstly and most significantly, I still don't have a job. Truthfully, I haven't been trying all that hard but secondly, opportunities seem very limited. I've been to Parramatta, downtown Fairfield, applied to office and even cafe jobs in the city and nothing. God clearly has something else for me.

In the meantime, I have been doing domestic things and spending time with my family and actually serving them. I realised that I haven't been home to spend time with my family really since the end of high school. Being home three nights in a row to cook dinner has been weird but obviously it has been nice to actually be around to be a daughter. Normally I'd be home late from uni or whatever, if I got to have dinner with my family that was a once a week occurrence. Anyway. It's nice.

I visited uni this week because I wanted to catch the UNSW presentation of the Global Poverty Project. I was excited to see some Oaktree friends, but disappointed that Hugh Evans didn't actually present. Simon is awesome but I've already met him! I bet Hugh will be at USyd. Grrr. The presentation was inspiring, but having done development studies myself it was quite idealistic. I guess it served its purpose though.

I spent most of my time on campus catching up with people which was nice but strangely, I kind of removed myself from the mission events. I guess I couldn't do two things at once but anyway.

I've started visiting youth group this term because I'll finally, finally be a leader come term 4. I'm really excited about this. I'm still taking the lunchtime group at my old high school on Fridays with Kate and some new kids are coming along which has been very encouraging. We're reading through Acts. 6UP on Sunday is also still a lot of fun and I really love getting to know better the girls who I will be leading at youth group.

Pete's on long service leave ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

And one of my most favourite people in the world has been accepted by CMS and will be going to St Andrews Hall next year. Barely anyone reads this anyway so I'm going to announced to nobody in particular that this person is Kate.

I don't like my new cookbook. Too many obscure ingredients...

I'm currently reading God's Politics by Jim Wallis which is quite interesting and addresses the fact that the Republicans and Democrats totally get it wrong when it comes to issues of church and state and although it focuses on American politics it has given me something to think about when I go to vote as a Christian. I'll blog about it later because it's been helpful. I saw Jim Wallis speak at USyd last year but I don't think I took very much away from it. I guess that's my latest 'research project', as it were. I didn't get very far with bioethics. All I found was an article in a copy of Kategoria. But I'll keep an eye out.

And this has been another boring life update :)

I can't really title my thoughts.

2009-08-03T20:04:00.003+10:00

This whole Reformed Charismatic thing. Perhaps it is reactionary. Perhaps it is an attempt to breathe some life into the purely intellectual understanding of faith that many seem to have. Or rather, it just seems that way. Dry, boring, conservative Sydney Anglicans. I remember looking around from the first few front rows at EQUIP and wondering why the women around me weren't singing with joy. Or at least with a smile on their face. Or at least like they meant the words they were singing. So many young people now want to see revival. That seems to be a popular word right now. We want passion and action and for people to maybe put their faith into practise. Faith is certainly personal but it is never private. The world should know.

I think that the Reformed Charismatic movement should wake up the Sydney Anglicans. The Connect09 initiative has been brilliant but what is it about us that makes us seem so... er, boring? We don't preach a prosperity gospel. We don't overwhelm with pop music and smoke machines. We teach the Word. And for me, that should be enough. That should be all it takes. Knowing and understanding the Gospel should be all it takes to get a response from people. I'll be bold enough to say that my faith hasn't been lying dormant. I want to tell people. I want people to know. I'll do whatever it takes. And I know lots of people like that too. Why are people looking for certain experiences, emotions... Decent teaching of the word should provoke a deep and sincere response. Jesus died for you, what more do you want? If this in itself doesn't make you see your own sinfulness, feel desperately grateful and joyful, you're starting off on the wrong foot. I don't know. I don't know what people are looking for. But obviously there is something lacking in the expression of faith amongst Sydney Anglicans. I think the next generation is more vocal and excited about their faith and I can't wait to see what God will do in the next ten years or so but right now... It seems like some peoples have gotta step up their game.

My Homer Simpson moment.

2009-07-31T18:17:00.004+10:00

Substitute "bbq pit" for "Singapore noodles dish".

*Looking at picture in cookbook*
"That's one fine lookin' Singapore noodles dish..."

*Looking at congealed mess in pot on stove*
"Why doesn't mine look like that?!"

And now I must go clean up the mess. It's wicked depressing. On the plus side, I will soon be putting a blueberry danish in the oven (store bought), and that's gotta be almost impossible to screw up. But you never know.

Matchmaker or meddler?

2009-07-29T12:59:00.002+10:00

I do like you Carolyn McCulley and I'm sure that 'Will and Anna' are very happy together but whenever my friends try to play crush catalyst, I seriously consider DE-FRIENDING them.

Are there any thoughts on whether or not we should make it our personal mission to go around encouraging married people to introduce their single friends to each other?

Come to think of it, Michelle's 22nd birthday invite claims that we should come along for the sake of finding a wife or husband. All in good fun.

As for me, I can't stop cringing. Desperate it all screams, desperate!

A helpful blog.

2009-07-29T10:23:00.002+10:00

Who needs The Australian when you've got Besty blogging everything you need to know?

That's another thing I miss about not being on campus. My 75c newspaper.

Allow me to elaborate.

2009-07-27T22:38:00.002+10:00

The last three sentences were provoked by this blog post.

Wendy warns against the trap of falling into complementarian idolatory. That is, the Christian woman's focus may no longer be a career or fashion, but simply shifting that focus to being a stellar cook and perfect housekeeper is really no better. If Jesus is not the grounds for your actions - you can be sure you've just moved from one idol to another. What's more, if you can't actually play the part of domestic goddess very well, then it can only end in self-condemnation.

But as Wendy reminds us:

Thankfully, God has worked long and hard to free me from finding my identity and self worth in either my job at the community college or my house keeping skills. He has been prying out of my grasp all those things I look to daily for self worth. Instead, He is replacing my quest for identity with the gift of Himself.

Once we understand that the spiritual blessings we have received in Christ are the fundamental basis for all that we are, that God's grace and the promise of eternal life are the reasons why we get up in the morning, then -

I can move from finding either self worth or self condemnation in my home keeping skills. Oddly enough, I usually feel much more equipped to do the things I need to do to keep my home functioning in God-honoring ways once I lose my grip on it in terms of self-identity. I have found that God is pretty jealous and quite willing to frustrate my attempts to find my worth in anything other than His finished work for me on the cross.

So although I'm putting in an unprecedented amount of effort in learning to cook (for reasons spurred on by wanting to be a decent wife and mother because I've accepted that women are to play that role as God intended blah blah), if I fail miserably, I won't mind so much because it doesn't mean that I've been unable to fulfill my ultimate purpose. My ultimate purpose is to glorify God. This is achievable regardless of culinary skills or rather, despite them.

Sometimes I wonder why I try so hard to figure out what it looks like to be a godly woman, whether in ministry or in the family context, etc. There's no formula or perfect model. Really, all I need is someone to shout at me: "Jesus! Follow Jesus! Listen to Jesus! He tells you how to live! Listen and you'll be ok!" I'm pretty sure that's all I need.

Sharp reminder.

2009-07-27T17:35:00.002+10:00

My identity, my worth as a woman, the person I was born to be: it's all found in Christ.

Just because a woman can cook and is impeccably neat, does not make her more godly than I.

Thank goodness for that.

True freedom.

2009-07-23T15:10:00.001+10:00

"Freedom does include doing what we want to do, but the mature and wise woman does not seek this freedom by bending reality to fit her desires. She seeks it by being transformed in the renewal of her desires to fit in with God's perfect will. The greatest freedom is found in being so changed by God's Spirit that you can do what you love to do and know that it conforms to the design of God and leads to life and glory."

- John Piper

Freedom in marriage?

2009-07-22T15:21:00.005+10:00

In year 8 we had compulsory cooking classes. I didn't pay attention as we cooked potato au gratin or quiches - why should I? It's not like my place was in the kitchen or anything. I have actively avoided that area for most of my life and apparently now I am making up for lost time. As of today I am the proud owner of a beautiful red cookbook from The Australian Women's Weekly: How To Cook Absolutely Everything. I'm about to try my hand at chicken cacciatore, here's hoping it's not a disaster.

Anyway, as I thumbed through this cookbook I began to think about why it was suddenly so important to me that I learn how to prepare edible food. Probably when I started to realise that men and women did have different roles, as ordained by God and yes I accepted that women are helpers. We are complementary to men.

Then I struggled with this for a moment. Mulling over my future, for once, I thought about the reality of being married. Not just the oh-he's-the-kind-of-guy-and-that's-what-my-dress-would-look-like kind of fantasy but the fact that my plans, my hopes would all be tied to his. What if they weren't the same? What would I have to sacrifice? And once I was married and had children - is that it? Years at uni, the years I hope to spend at Moore College, what do they mean when you're a housewife? I noticed on Nicole's blog today that the years she worked are referred to as her 'previous life'.

And for a minute I considered being totally selfish. Suppose I stayed single for the sake of ministry? Or would it be for my own sake?

But as I considered the women around me, I realised that I was so wrong. I thought that I'd love to just chat to Nicole about a typical day in her life (although I suppose her blog is enough for that), and I'd just want to know how it is that she doesn't feel... restricted. Then I remembered that I have Isobel Lin to talk to who is just as awesome and despite the fact that she is married and has three children is actively involved in ministry and chairs EQUIP for goodness sake.

I just needed a reminder. Being married and having children won't be the end of my life. Well, it might be the end of one life, but it will be the beginning of another. And although I haven't got a hope of understanding it now, it will be a life that will bring more joy than I thought possible and which can never be compensated by the unlimited freedom I think is so attractive now.

Regardless, at only 20 years of age I think I'm at perfect liberty to guard my freedom jealously. I'm not ready yet, I don't apologise for this and I don't really think it's that big a deal. I won't be engaged at 21. So freaking what?

In the meantime, I'm preparing myself to be the best wife I can be and I think that future husband will appreciate that far more than my lamenting the fact that he hasn't turned up yet.

My backyard.

2009-07-21T19:25:00.005+10:00

I live across the road from the Western Sydney Regional Park. It's a wonder I don't spend more time there. As a form of escape, a place for a quiet time - it's hard to beat.

Explanation.

2009-07-18T11:16:00.003+10:00

I'd really like to explain properly my decision not to come back next semester. It seems that if I took my own advice, I'd be 'sucking it up' and 'thinking' with the rest of you. Truly I'm not doing this just because I want to have some money behind me, it's so much more than that. CBS is such a big part of me, campus ministry is a blessing and this year's mission looks incredible - this was not an easy decision. There are things that even I won't share on blogspot and they're the reasons why I need to do this.

It's just... what I said at MYC and what I'm actually doing seem to be inconsistent. I feel I need to justify my actions. Sometimes things are out of our hands and right now I'm walking by faith because it's all that I can do.

The way for me to glorify God this semester is to not be on campus. It sounds ridiculous but for me it holds true. And even if it was the wrong choice to make, I find comfort in the fact that God works through those mistakes too.

God knows what He's doing, even if I don't.

Random thought.

2009-07-17T21:26:00.002+10:00

Election makes more sense. Of course God would have to first call you to live for Him. Who would simply choose the cross-shaped life?

Just a thought.

Two Things.

2009-07-10T13:54:00.005+10:00

1. How much room do we give God to work? I've been thinking. What's new. Anyway, so it seems as though I'm destined to follow this path. It's all laid out before me: finish uni, work, bible college, then go into ministry, then be a missionary...
This is the cycle. Or chuck in a year or two of MTS as opposed to two years of secular work, whatever. It just strikes me... So many of the amazing people I've read about didn't follow this plan. As though this plan will produce the most qualified, most faithful ministers or something. I'm going to sound like a whiney teenager but why must I finish uni? Why must I do this and then that? Why do I have to follow this Sydney Anglican formula? It's as though I need to do everything that I can, I have to cultivate all these skills in a particular way - where is the room for God to shape me? My point is, if I pulled a Gladys Aylward on y'all and left independently for China tomorrow I'm pretty sure I'd be ex-communicated or something. Maybe I'm just having one of those moments but why is it that the path to teaching God's Word is so rigid? Well, ok, I already know the answer to that question. Next point.

2. The Bible is the ultimate authority. It's inspired by God, it's His Word, it's complete. Everyone agrees. Or do they? While trying to understand the hermeneutic behind women preachers I've read arguments saying something along the lines of: "well, ministry hadn't progressed that far so Paul couldn't have confirmed the roles of women teaching in his letters" which to me seems to be saying that God forgot to give us more information. Or this commentary on Romans that I've started reading by John Stott has Bible scholars claiming Paul didn't even know his own mind when it came to the law, things like that. So where do you draw the line? Is the Bible authoritative or not? Question it, totally. If there's a question to be asked, believe me I will be the first to ask it. But the way people interpret things sometimes, the way the Word of God is sometimes treated with such uncertainty, I wonder if people remember that God is actually responsible for it and I highly doubt He's now seriously concerned that He forgot to add Appendix A: What To Do In Event Of Robot Take-Over (added now because obviously Paul didn't have to deal with bioethics).

I think you've gathered this is another one of my confusing rants that I don't expect anyone to understand but this stuff honestly goes on in my head.

Er.

2009-07-06T22:11:00.003+10:00

Some of my posts lately are just short and stupid because barely anybody reads my blogs so I don't really care. But that's not a very good attitude to have and everything I do should be to glorify God, even in blogland.

Perhaps I should actually start using my Twitter account for those times when I only have three sentences to share and I should only blog when I've actually thought something through?

Nah forget Twitter. But I should definitely only blog if I feel like I have something that's worth sharing, i.e. I've researched, thought about it, or I've honestly been challenged or encouraged.

Keep me accountable, oh-kay?

Reformed charismatics.

2009-07-06T21:20:00.002+10:00

What's the deal, man?

Sound doctrine + arms waving in the air = reformed charismatic?

I dunno.

Can't help it.

2009-07-05T23:53:00.003+10:00

So my new thing is theology and bioethics because Nick Ryan thinks (no wait, knows: "I'm not joking!"), that soon we will have to deal with technology so sophisticated that it will produce robots that actually believe they are Christian and will turn up at our churches and we'll have to either accept them or tell them actually, you're not real and God hasn't saved you.

I went to a website Nick suggested: ted.com, which features nothing but videos on the latest scientific and technological developments. But honestly, unless your name is John Piper, I am not going to listen to you for 20 minutes.

Anyway. "What will you do?", asks Nick. We'll be accountable to crazy robots and a society that has gone mad with progress. What will the Christian say?

The real question here, which is not a new one, is simply "what is a human being?". So I'm thinking I'll have to look into the Christian doctrine of humanity or something. But considering he almost had everyone convinced that a robot take-over was inevitable, I'm going to do some reading.

I haven't finished with women preachers yet but while I'm still unemployed, gotta do something productive. Trust me to start looking for work when the market is the harshest that it's been in something like 12 years.

"Got a job yet?"
"No. But I totally know how contemporary bio-technologies impact on our understanding and treatment of humans!"
*cough*

What really matters.

2009-07-04T13:57:00.004+10:00

I'm posting this story here, because it is a good reminder of the one constant truth that binds all Christians. Sometimes I feel worn down by divisions over certain issues and the fact that I feel I need to come to a decision on certain things. Jesus' death and resurrection trumps it all. I love perspective.

From Tara's note:

Taken from "Views From A Bouncy Castle" by Adrian Plass. This short story makes me smile, and wish that like children, we could be as easy to teach, correct and rebuke.

"Much more than recently, in the year when Katy became three, I strolled into the garden one sparkling April morning, to find my diminutive daughter pushing one arm up as far as it would go towards the sky. In her outstretched hand was a single bluebell, newly picked from the border beside the lawn. As she offered her flower to the shining early sun, she identified it with loud ecstasy.

"DAFFODIL!!" she shouted, "DAFFODI-I-IL!!"

I am as tediously obsessed with accuracy as most parents. I corrected her gently.

"No darling," I said. "It's a bluebell."

Not one inch did she reduce the length of her stretching arm, not one decibel did she lower her volume: "BLUEBELL!" she shouted, "BLUEBE-E-ELL!"

Katy's joy was in being part of the morning and having a beautiful flower, not in anything so trivial as being right. She accepted my pedantic correction, but it didn't change anything important.

If only those of us who are Christians wer more like Katy in the garden, less concerned with how right we are in our individual emphases and dogmas than with the joy of being one with Jesus.

"YOU HAVE TO SPEAK IN TONGUES TO BE A CHRISTIAN!" one of us might shout ecstatically.

"No, you don't," God might correct us gently.

"YOU DON'T HAVE TO SPEAK IN TONGUES TO BE A CHRISTIAN!" we would shout with undiminished joy."

I'm really boring.

2009-07-03T19:23:00.002+10:00

Spent two hours this afternoon discussing the biblical hermeneutic behind women preachers and I'm about to go crash Youth Group just because I can.

I didn't have a lottery ticket.

2009-06-30T22:36:00.001+10:00

And it is well with my soul.

Unordered thoughts on women's ministry.

2009-06-30T22:11:00.004+10:00

I picked up the following book from our church library a couple of months ago- Women in the Church’s Ministry: A test-case for biblical hermeneutics by R.T. France. Never heard of France but apparently he is Principal of Wycliffe Hall, Oxford.

The book combines a series of lectures given by France that are primarily concerned with the debate amongst Evangelicals on the ordination of women and provides an exegesis and hermeneutic of 1 Corinthians 14:34-15 and 1 Timothy 2:8-15 that is in favour of female authority, particularly preaching, in the church.

The first reading slightly swayed me, but the second time round just confused me. I’m not convinced that women should be allowed to preach just yet, but I am convinced that hermeneutics certainly is a human and inexact science.

Why is it that, in 1 Timothy for example, we will hold so firmly to the command that women shall not teach, yet the other instructions i.e. men lifting hands up in prayer and women refraining from braiding their hair or wearing gold or pearls or expensive clothes, do not seem so relevant to us? Also, how does this command square with 1 Corinthians 11:5 – And every woman who prays or prophesies with her head uncovered dishonours her head- it is just as though her head were shaved. Two things here:
1) Why isn’t the command to worship with our heads covered enforced?
2) This passage refers to women prophesying and does not condemn it. Is prophesying not a public act, exercised over a mixed congregation? Does it not involve teaching?

The exegesis of 1 Timothy further stresses the importance of recognising the situation of the church in Ephesus at the time of writing and that it was a unique one. Perhaps the command not to teach applies only to them. Here’s a quote from Gordon Fee: “It is hard to deny that this text prohibits women teaching men in the Ephesian church; but it is the unique text in the New Testament, and as we have seen, its reason for being is not to correct the rest of the New Testament, but to correct a very ad hoc problem in Ephesus.” Interesting.

France makes another interesting argument: Evangelicals have been consistently changing their minds and re-evaluating their biblical principles. Examples cited include the abolition of the slave trade (never condemned in the Bible yet an 18th century Christian might have been able to argue that the emancipation of slaves was a product of the secular liberal agenda which it was the duty of all faithful Christians to resist in the name of the biblical worldview), to the acceptance by the Jewish church that Gentiles have indeed been offered the gift of salvation, which at the time would have seemed an extremely liberal conclusion to arrive at and which might have been seen to fly in the face of Scripture. The point of this illustration: "...in the ongoing work of God it is sometimes permissible, indeed necessary, for his people to change their minds. What this example illustrates is also that when such a change of mind takes place, it is not necessarily a matter of abandoning the authoritative teaching of the bible in favour of a secular agenda, but more likely a matter of discovering that there is more in the Bible than we had realised, that those strands of biblical teaching and practice on which we have been accustomed to rely in relation to a given issue may not be the only aspects of biblical revelation which are relevant to it. We may be faced, as the Jerusalem Christians were faced, with the uncomfortable task of deciding which of apparently competing streams of biblical thought should take precedence in the new situation in which we find ourselves."

And here my conservatism shines. Seriously? If we took that approach, where would we draw the line? Anything could become permissible by that reasoning. I said the argument was interesting, not that it was good.

I do have one more thought, an example that relates to me. Our minister does not permit a woman to teach or to have authority over men in our church. But I think I may be able to come up with one example: my role as a member of our Parish Council. The Parish Council is an authoritative body, it makes executive decisions concerning all members of the Parish. Do I not, therefore, exercise authority over the men of our congregation? I really don’t see how you could explain away that one, Pete. Yes, I am a member of this council under your authority but if we follow the ‘plain meaning’ of 1 Timothy, my role contravenes your biblical position. Yet if you allow that to stand, how then can you disallow a woman to preach under your authority? What is the difference?

Looking forward to discussing this :p

I'm going to blog a lot this week.

2009-06-29T18:31:00.004+10:00

I seem to have a complex about being comfortable.

If life is easy, something is wrong. If I don't feel like I'm making a sacrifice, if I don't feel isolated from the world somehow, if the thought of poverty doesn't make me feel a strong sense of injustice then I've got to be missing the point. Nobody likes being thought of as different or just plain weird but everytime I feel misunderstood or persecuted (using the term very loosely), it seems that I'm on the right track.

Jesus said that if anyone should come after me, he must deny himself and take his cross up daily and follow me (Luke 9:23). I don't want to create a living hell for myself but if I ever find myself simply blending into the world... I shudder to think what I might have let go of in the process.

This life wasn't meant to be easy. But it's not meant to last either. Bring it on.

Don't accept the unacceptable.

2009-06-29T12:56:00.003+10:00

I've just read an article in the Sunday Telegraph about young Indian children who are forced into devastating manual labour in remote limestone quarries. At these quarries, children as young as 6 are mining the 'trendy' Kota limestone which has been used to pave the entire King St Wharf entertainment precinct in Sydney.

The work is backbreaking, the heat is scorching and the payment is 50 Indian rupees per day, or $1.20AUD for an eleven hour day. Despite the fact that the caste system is officially outlawed in India, all of those who work in the mines are still observed as 'untouchables', or Dalits, which literally means crushed or broken to pieces. The children who work at these mines do not have a choice because they are supporting their families and helping to pay off debts incurred by their parents.

It's very hard work - sometimes I hurt my fingers with the tools. I wish I went to a school, but instead I am here.

We travelled from across India for this work. To you this might seem cruel. But when there is no work you will see the worst forms of cruelty.

I have never heard of Australia. When they pavers leave here, I don't know where they go.

It's hard, painful work. I'll go back to school later. But for now, I help my family by working here. I don't like it, but there is no choice.

I'm about to say something that may be controversial and harsh but honestly, when have I ever cared?

Suppose that photographs of young Indian, African and Asian children were different. Imagine that typical (how it pains me that I can even refer to poverty as 'typical') landscape of poverty - we've seen it so many times. Dirty. Dusty. Dilapidated. Skeletal. Imagine those children, the ones whose eyes silently cry out to us, pleading for help, for the recognition that their lives are worth something. Then imagine this: that the children you are seeing have porcelain skin, blonde hair and blue eyes. Might society then see them as people? Might we then be moved to act? How does that image make you feel? Does it suddenly make a difference?

I'm trying to unclench my fists. Oh Lord, let me be a voice for those who have none.

For Sue.

2009-06-28T21:02:00.004+10:00

This isn't very well thought out but I had a conversation tonight that included the topic of Fairtrade and I feel like sharing.

Basically, here are two reasons to support Fairtrade from Sian, our night church minister's wife:

1. Eating lots and lots of cheap chocolate is bad for you.
2. Stewardship! I really like this. Sian says that we are a society that just consumes and consumes and we rarely, if ever, consider where our products come from or the circumstances in which they were made. Supporting Fairtrade encourages us to think deeper about where our products come from and the effect that the production process has on the environment. It may only be a small step, but it's a start.

Also, there are some Fairtrade companies that really are passionate about giving farmers/producers a fair price such as Tribes and Nations, headed up by the Murrays, or the lovely South African lady at the Open Hand cafe in India who stocks naught but Fairtrade goods. I would rather buy products from them any day.

And also, the trickle down effect is rubbish. I remember vaguely case studies from Development Studies that examined the idea that all levels of society would benefit if the economy was given over to an entirely free market. Doesn't work. Economics takes no notice of people but simply operates on the principle of supply/demand. If you're poor, you're screwed and even more so in a free market because there are absolutely no guarantees that you will get a thing. So regulation might upset the market and throw things off balance, as you were explaining Sue, but I believe it's necessary. Because unfortunately, greedy and sinful human beings screwed up first and there needs to be intervention to provide for those who haven't a hope of providing for themselves.

So yeah, there's my rant based on minimal reading and discussion. Still supporting Fairtrade, but welcome to opposing views, as always.

Stating the obvious.

2009-06-24T00:16:00.005+10:00

It's really cold.

I'm wondering if, closer to MYC, I should:

a) Take longer, hotter showers because I will be so deprived of them

or

b) Take shorter, progressively cooler showers in order to prepare myself

And another thing, I'm going to do my best not to have the typical name/faculty/year conversation with every person I meet.

I figure if I ask something interesting like:

a) If you had a time machine and could go anywhere, where would you go?

or

b) What colour is your toothbrush?

I'll have a much better chance of remembering people. Well I'm sure they'll remember me, at the very least.

Oh and FYI, I actually do intend to still inquire after a name.

MYC is somewhat less exciting when you approach it in the knowledge that you won't be back for the following semester. Only slightly less! I still heart MYC very much. But, well, come on. I won't exactly be in line for a hoodie. Unless mission is extended to whatever random company I end up working for...

*tear*

(As in crying, not ripping. Felt I needed to clarify)

I sound like Obama with all this talk of change.

2009-06-23T22:26:00.004+10:00

Thank goodness we are on a break because I'm struggling to put any effort into anything that isn't ministry.

On Monday night over 50 people gathered at our little church in Bossley Park and every single person was a young ministry leader from the South-West of Sydney. I still can't quite believe it happened. Only God could have pulled us all together and he certainly pulled me through it because I was having kittens over every little detail. For years I have heard from Peter Lin that something needs to change in the South-West, that we need to start smashing the idea that ministry cannot survive here, that we are not strategic enough. Not to mention the fact that nobody wants to live here if they can help it, Christians included.

WELL SCREW THAT.

Hello? God is sovereign. He is in control. He is watching over His people. So why shy away from an area, as though it could be impossible for God to use you and see His saving work done? How could those before me have had so little faith? Enough. God is moving, wherever you are in Sydney, but I'm going to say that the most exciting place to be in right now is the South-West.

Finally people are starting to share this vision and I thank God for Pete. He convicted every person in the room, made the needs of the South-West more real than ever before and we're getting a response. I am full of anticipation but am laying it all at His feet. If God chooses to use this movement, He will. If this is not the means then something else will reveal itself.

No matter what, I am desperate to see God glorified here, to make the most of the opportunities he has placed before us and they are boundless. If this one generation stuck it out so much could happen, so much could change.

Who are you calling unstrategic?

It was easier to recall in a poem.

2009-06-19T16:08:00.002+10:00

I can’t remember.
Not as well as I’d like to.
How to hold on to those moments?
The ones that left me determined to change
but are fading.
So easily.

He followed me
for the longest time.
“Henna, henna. Will you buy?”
He wasn’t the first.
I made the mistake
of acknowledging his presence.
He guided us
I questioned him.
School. Family. Struggle.
100 rupees –
A mere band-aid.

I could turn my back
on a beggar.
It became necessary.
But he haunts me
How could I have denied Him?
He barely spoke. Hand outstretched.
My memory tells me
I looked right past.
I looked again
He was appealing to his own.
Immediate regret, hesitation.
Decision reversed.
I looked again
He was gone.

14 days
She was a permanent fixture.
Her home
outside our home.
Everything she had
in a little silver bowl.
Winter had claimed Varanasi
The comfort of a blanket
seemed best.
But –
The night took it.

Here I am:
Comfortable.

Encouraged to discouraged in about 60 seconds.

2009-06-13T21:02:00.008+10:00

The sign was on the money but the pamphlets being handed out warned against a recent piece of technology called the VeriChip which could possibly be the "mark of the Beast" and insinuated that Obama may turn out to be the Antichrist: "He will be made known when he makes a seven year peace agreement with Israel and establishes peace", among other things. It started out comparable to Two Ways to Live but just went downhill with the literal explanation of Revelation.

The man who handed me the pamphlet looked so determined. I could see that he knew how important the saving message of Jesus was, indeed he'd been standing on a footpath in Paddington all day trying to reach people with it. Mum and I told him we were already Christians and he was genuinely pleased to hear it. But did he really believe all of what this pamphlet was telling him? So much of God's Word was tainted, close to the truth yet so far from it.

Close to the truth isn't good enough. If I learnt anything from Phillip Jensen's talks on Spiritual Warfare last Monday, it's that the best lies are those that sound most like the truth. My heart just breaks for that man. If he truly trusts in Jesus then I suppose it's no big deal if he boycotts VeriChip, but he has such poor teaching! Argh! Lies!

Prophecy in the news, people!

Sorry for the excessive exclamations.

Oh and if you wanted anymore proof that you need to take anything Joyce Myer says with about a ton of salt, her website features on the back of this pamphlet in conjunction with Benny Hinn's. I hear her name around sometimes, even amongst good Sydney Anglicans, but I haven't openly slammed her to anyone (who isn't in my bible study). I haven't read any of her books or heard any of her talks but I'm thinking this confirms her as dodgy in my books.

Reality check.

2009-06-12T16:17:00.007+10:00

Firstly, cheers for smashing me over my last post.

Secondly, every Christian female (although indeed probably the general female population at large), should read this article. It is by Beth Spraul from Capitol Hill Baptist Church and is titled You've Got Lies: Chick Flicks and the World's Approach to Men and Marriage. It addresses the seemingly innocent but actually quite damaging influence that chick-flicks and chick-lit have over women's expectations of love. That is, they're ridiculously unrealistic.

I’d like to suggest that culture attacks women similarly — it is just a bit more subtle. The lies told to women are introduced at the level of women’s emotions (less harmful, right?), in how they dream about men, and in what they long for relationally. Like pornography, chick-flicks take a good gift from God (romance, relational intimacy) that women are created to desire, and distort it by presenting as “normal” an unbiblical and unrealistic picture of men, love and marriage. And just like men who buy into the lies of pornography, women who believe that their husbands and marriages should always be like what they see on the screen will be sinfully dissatisfied with God’s good gift to them of a “normal” husband and marriage.

Obviously, the analogy is not perfect. Unlike pornography, it is possible to engage in watching "chick flicks" and have it be a sin-free activity. With pornography, the very act of viewing it is always harmful and always a sin. However, before you assume you are able to watch chick-flicks and read romance novels without harmful effects to your expectations for men and marriage, consider the following lies often propogated by these movies, and think about them in comparison to what Scripture teaches.

You mean men don't think of romance and intimacy the way we do? Marrying the right guy won't see me live happily ever after? Chemistry isn't that important and my intuition isn't always right? Far out man this was a good read but it certainly wasn't any fun.

Poor men. Between Mr. Darcy and Edward Cullen, the real guy has got no hope. I will do my best to bring my own lofty expectations back down to earth and in line with Scripture...

A quiet and gentle spirit.

2009-06-10T11:16:00.006+10:00

What does this look like? How do I pursue it? It seems I'm not the only one who is experiencing difficulty in trying to figure out how to be assertive on the one hand, yet submissive and gentle on the other.

Sometimes I think that I need to just sit in a corner and shut up. That I should silently concentrate on hiding the Word in my heart, looking up only to smile sweetly from time to time. Ok meditating on God's Word is a constant, but anybody who truly knows me would never describe me as quiet and I'm not sure whether gentle is the first thing that would pop into their head either. I'm too driven, too quick to assume leadership, too ready to offer an opinion.

Perhaps this will help. John Piper's talk on the Ultimate Meaning of Womanhood warns us not to settle for wimpy theology leading to wimpy women.

It is not wimpy to say that God created the universe and governs all things to magnify his own grace in the death of his Son for the salvation of his bride... The ultimate meaning of true womanhood is this: It is a distinctive calling of God to display the glory of his Son in ways that would not be displayed if there were no womanhood.

Therefore, sitting quietly in a corner sounds like a terrible waste. Piper gives examples of assertive women and makes clear that the opposite of wimpy is not a brash, pushy, loud, controlling, sassy, uppity, arrogant Amazon. Oh-kay.

But still nothing of what gentleness looks like practically. Do you know what I think of when I think of gentleness? I think of Snow White singing to little birds perched on her finger and of Kleenex tissues. Women today are not keen on gentleness. It's all about empowerment, independence, flaunting sexuality. Gentleness seems on a par with weakness.

It's not as though gentleness and assertiveness are mutually exclusive. Just because a woman is confident in the promises of God and passionate about them, does not make her loud and pushy. It follows that a woman who is trusting in God and living by his Word, will fully understand her role as a woman and exercise it willingly. That's reassuring.

But why is the idea of gentleness so lost on me?

I am.

2009-06-09T19:46:00.005+10:00

Slightly overwhelmed. This is not exactly what I was planning. Far too many people. But there's no room for doubt. I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.

Adamant. Ministry is my boyfriend. He is quite the jealous type. Singleness is a flipping gift. Use it. Yes, I just said that.

Liberated. Have you ever really thought about the power of decision making? Make a decision. Stick to it. Simple as that.

Full of hot air. But hoping that I will end up writing that Tharunka article in the next month. Inspiration will come.

Imagining. What will heaven be like? When I am surrounded by God's people and my heart is full of love and thankfulness fit to burst - when I am most happy, most aware, most joyful - I think I may have some insight into what I might be in for. Yet the happiness I experience here is only a shadow. It cools. It fades. What will it be like, standing in the presence of God, to have that void filled wholly, finally, forever? I can only imagine.

Uncertain. The next 6 months are looming. They will not be easy but they will be for His glory.

Trusting. Like never before.

Painful truth.

2009-06-07T21:27:00.005+10:00

“I have three things I’d like to say today. First, while you were sleeping last night, 30,000 kids died of starvation or diseases related to malnutrition. Second, most of you don’t give a shit. What’s worse is that you’re more upset with the fact that I said shit than the fact that 30,000 kids died last night.”
- Tony Campolo

Purposeful existence.

2009-06-06T18:01:00.005+10:00

Can the atheist claim to live out a purposeful existence? Is it possible to deny God, concede that the sum total of life is 'triviality for a moment and then nothing' (Bertrand Russell) and then attempt to find meaning? It seems like a hopeless contradiction that leads one right back to God. But...

Who am I to say that the atheist cannot find meaning in the life they live right now? They can laugh and love and appreciate beauty. It's all there before them and if they believe life is fleeting and this is all there is then, hell, better make the most of it. Just because the universe will cool and die eventually does not mean that this moment cannot be lived for all it's worth. What can I say in response?

Thankyou, William Lane Craig, for explaining to me the difference between a subjective and objective purpose for existence. It's an answer I've been after for a little while now.

Oh, Christopher Hitchens...

Love as it really is.

2009-06-05T12:50:00.005+10:00

I'm preparing to do a lesson on love for my year 6/7/8 group otherwise known as SUP (six up) and I think it's going to rock their world, just quietly. Well I'm going to have fun turning their preconceived ideas on love completely upside down. I'm pretty sure that as soon as I mention the word love, the boys are going to squirm in their seats and just generally be sillier than usual. The reason? Love is for girls! It's mushy. Love? Ew!

Once again, the world has completely screwed up one of God's gifts and managed to make love selfish. I say this because it is not common for someone to love their enemy, or for it to even enter their head that they should. Love is reserved for someone who has earned it, only those you care about, as one of my girls at our lunchtime group said today. If love was dependent on how deserving the subject was... Actually I'm struggling to finish that sentence because there'd be no hope for any of us if that was the case. God loves us just because. Yet that love is so deep that he gave up his only son.

This is really blowing my mind. To love, really love, takes enormous strength. The world seems to associate love with weakness and vulnerability. To some extent that may be true, but real love simply means putting others before yourself. It requires no particular 'fuzzy' feeling, you might not even like it. But if we only loved those who loved us, how could the Christian be distinct? About a million bible verses are hitting me right now but I'm just trying to explain it all in my own words. Jesus hung on a cross, totally humiliated and hated. But he let it happen. He willingly layed down his life for his sheep and in all his amazing glory, took it back up again. His death was the ultimate example of love, love as it really is, the model that we should be following and striving for. Not the cop-out presented in chick flicks. Perhaps this is overkill but I do think that the Hollywood perception of love is quite damaging. Not only are the expectations completely unrealistic, but if all you're striving for is looks, wealth and charm you will not end up happy. It's such a pale imitation of what the heart really longs for. Because of course what the heart is really longing for is reconciliation with God. So then, why sell yourself short?

Gosh I ramble.

2009-06-04T20:05:00.004+10:00

Found this old blog... I like it because I remember how strongly I felt. I really struggle to stick to one topic, though. I don't really know how I went from the first paragraph to the next, it doesn't seem like they're connected in anyway, but whatever.

-----------------------------------------------------------

A little part of me dies everytime I hear this song by the Pussycat Dolls called "When I Grow Up". I cannot even begin to express how much it disappoints and angers me. It's not just a song, it seems to embody, utterly and totally, everything that the masses of society want to achieve. What particularly worries me is that this song is almost directed at youth. I work at a bowling alley that regularly hosts kids parties and we happily take song requests. Well, at least superficially I graciously accept their requests but my heart sinks when 7 year old girls want to sing about kissing other girls and growing up to be narcissistic exhibitionists. This topic is nothing new, quite frequently there are newspaper articles and stories addressing the sexualisation of youth, but I can't help but add my two cents. Surely there has to be more to life than this? If you find that you need a certain pair of shoes or the right name on your handbag to feel validated then I can say, without being nasty or condescending, that I feel sorry for you.

My faith has matured incredibly over the past few months and I'm learning to let go of the vanities and aspirations that do me no favours. Just recently I read the biography of Gladys Aylward, a female missionary who left for China in the 1930s with less than $10 in her pocket but with complete trust in God. Her life was quite difficult at first; she didn't know the language or the culture but God sent amazing people her way and she soon became one of the most influential and respected women in her region. She cared for up to 100 children at a time, visited and converted even the most hardened of criminals within harsh prisons and even had the honour of speaking with monks in a Chinese lamasery. I have read a few biographies over the past few months about missionaries but Gladys' story challenged me most of all. It humbled me to the point of shame - what the hell am I worrying about material things for when the fact that I even so much as live in this country means that I am privy to luxury. It made me realise just how selfish this society is and how easy it is to be corrupted by it. Despite the dangers that Gladys faced, I envy her because she was able to trust God with absolutely everything. Amidst all this materialism and ambition its easy to make excuses and trust only within yourself. I felt I would have packed up and left for India the next day if I could have, spending the rest of my life doing nothing but telling other people about how my relationship with God fulfils me unlike anything else. Then I had to stop and think about it. The more I thought about it, the more it seemed like India was perhaps an easy way out. An escape. Certainly I'd do my best to spread the message but truly, I think the need for missionaries is greater in the developed world. Nobody here wants to be told that they're a sinner, that they should submit to someone greater than them and that actually, they're not in control. India embraces all things spiritual so even if I spoke to someone who had different beliefs at least they're open to the idea of finding God. But here... I'm forever worried about the reactions of my friends to my faith and the extent of its influence over my life. The fact that it is my life. But that's another worry I'm learning to overcome. I know the majority of the world will think I'm crazy but I know what I believe in, I know the unique truth of it and I'm going to spend the rest of my life sharing it with anyone who will listen.

Well then.

2009-06-03T14:30:00.003+10:00

Just handed in my application for program leave.

Currently job searching.

Not really sure how I feel about it.

The fourth love.

2009-06-01T22:11:00.005+10:00

C.S Lewis

The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell...

We shall draw nearer to God, not by trying to avoid the sufferings inherent in all loves, but by accepting them and offering them to Him; throwing away all defensive armour. If our hearts need to be broken, and if He chooses this as the way in which they should break, so be it.

It's just easier said than done, is all.

Want to learn some Hindi?

2009-06-01T08:37:00.004+10:00

These are some bhajans (worship songs) we sang in Varanasi on Christmas day. I've been singing them this morning but it's not quite the same. I wish I'd been able to record Leaf's voice...

Bhaj Pawanatam

Bhaja pa-wana-tama Yeshu naam
Worship the most holy name of Jesus

Yeshu naam jaya Yeshu naam
Jesus' name, victory to Jesus' name

Yeshu naam mangala naam
Jesus' name, auspicious name

Yeshu naam pa-wana naam
Jesus name, holy name

Yeshu naam meeta naam
Jesus' name, sweet name

Yeshu naam pyaara naam
Jesus' name, beloved/precious name

----------------------------------------

Sachidananda Eh Namo Namah

Sachidananda Eh Namo Namah
Being, Intelligence, Bliss, I bow to you

He Guru Yeshu namo namah
O teacher Jesus, I bow to you

He Prabhu Yeshu namo namah
O Lord Jesus, I bow to you

He Jeewan Jyoti namo namah
O Life Light, I bow to you

He Jeewan Roti namo namah
O Life Bread, I bow to you

He Yeshu Deva namo namah
O Jesus God, I bow to you

He Muktidata namo namah
O Salvation Giver, I bow to you

He Premidata namo namah
O Loving Giver, I bow to you

Right place, right time.

2009-05-31T23:24:00.003+10:00

Connect09 is a brilliant initiative. Freddo's adaptation Love This Broken City is even better. I can't believe that it has taken us so long to make a decisive push to get out into the community. So many new ministries have started up this year and it has made Barneys in Bossley Park a really exciting place to be. From ESL classes, to Music Time for mums and bubs, market stalls, a mission week, scripture seminars, consistent evangelistic events, lunchtime groups at local high schools... God has been amazing. Our congregation has grown and is full of people who are gifted and are looking for new ways to use those gifts to glorify God. Ministry in the South West is not doomed to failure. There is so much potential here - if only others could see it.

And now another ministry initiative, possibly? A network of young leaders who are committed to ministry in our region and will meet together to pray, share, learn and encourage? It's exactly what we need and my brain is positively exploding with ideas...!

In the next ten years or so, God is going to make his name well and truly known. Awesome things are going to happen. I can just feel it.

A Martyr's Grace

2009-05-26T19:44:00.003+10:00

Lord, I give up my own purposes and plans, all my own desires and hopes and ambitions and accept Thy will for my life. I give myself, my life, my all utterly to Thee, to be Thine forever. I hand over to Thy keeping all of my friendships; all the people whom I love are to take a second place in my heart. Fill me and seal me with Thy Holy Spirit. Work out Thy whole will in my life, at any cost, now and forever. To me to live is Christ. Amen.

Elizabeth Alden Stam wrote those words when she was 19. At the age of 28 she was martyred for her service to the Lord in Miaosheo, China in 1934.

I'm 19. Can I make the same pledge that Betty did and really mean it? I want faith like that more than anything.

Therefore I've been challenged to think about how much of myself I'm really giving to God. Can I say that he has all of me, without compromise? What, or who, do I hold onto instead of first finding fulfilment in him?

I also really like this poem by another China missionary named E. H. Hamilton. He wrote it to commemorate the martyrdom of one of his colleagues:

Afraid? Of What?
To feel the spirit's glad release?
To pass from pain to perfect peace,
The strife and strain of life to cease?
Afraid - of that?

Afraid? Of What?
Afraid to see the Savior's face,
To hear His welcome, and to trace
The glory gleam from wounds of grace?
Afraid - of that?

Afraid? Of What?
A flash, a crash, a pierced heart;
Darkness, light, O Heaven's art!
A wound of His a counterpart!
Afraid - of that?

Afraid? Of What?
To do by death what life could not -
Baptise with blood a stony plot,
Till souls shall blossom from the spot?
Afraid - of that?

Brace yourself.

2009-05-25T22:29:00.004+10:00

At the risk of furthering Clare Werbeloff's so-called fame by blogging about it here, I have to say, I am disgusted by the situation.

Funnily enough, it's not actually her I have a problem with and she will go back to being a nobody fairly soon so I hope she thoroughly enjoys her five minutes in the spotlight.

My gripe is this: what kind of society decides that this deserves so much attention? Why are people YouTubing this, Twittering this, Facebooking this, for goodness sake I'm Blogspotting this. Why does Clare have fan pages? Why are people making t-shirts bearing the slogan 'chk chk Boom'? Is there nothing and no one else for us to be looking up to? Why is this important? Why did she have a news story on A Current Affair? (Oh, how I despise that television show) Do her nonsensical and potentially offensive comments actually rate as newsworthy?

Apparently, YES.

Why? Why? Why? What happened to us???

And don't even get me started on this rubbish with the virtual acceptance of football players and their sex scandals. 'Support Matthew Johns'. Please. So he had the guts to come forward and admit his part in a shameful act - this does not make him a hero relative to his mates. Whether it was consensual or not - something needs to be done to address the consistent shortcomings (and thats putting it nicely) of sports stars who have a lot of influence over society.

I sometimes think I was born in the wrong era. No, that's not it. It's that I am longing, longing for a new creation. So very far away from all of this.

Happiness.

2009-05-25T21:56:00.002+10:00

Comes in the form of a brand new, hard cover NIV.

Yup.

Election.

2009-05-25T18:26:00.003+10:00

"I told you, and you do not believe. The works that I do in my Father's name they bear witness to me; but you do not believe, because you do not belong to my sheep."
John 10:25-26

"My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me; and I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish, and no one shall snatch them out of my hand. My father, who has given them to me, is greater than all, and no one is able to snatch them out of the Father's hand."
John 10:27-29

Belonging to the sheep, in this text, is not dependent on believing. It's the other way around. Believing is dependent on being a sheep. Belonging to the sheep enables a person to believe. (John Piper, The Pleasures of God, Ch.5: The Pleasure of God in Election)

Two things strike me about this.

Firstly, assurance. If God has truly elected me, if I am one of his sheep, then nothing can come between us. I am his and he is mine.

This passage also seems relevant to a discussion we had during our church weekend away (Tara, do you remember? When I read this, I was thinking of a question you might have raised). And I've just remembered what we were discussing:

"It is impossible for those who have been enlightened, who have tasted the heavenly gift, who have shared in the Holy Spirit, who have tasted the goodness of the word of God and the powers of the coming age, if they fall away, to be brought back to repentance, because to their loss they are crucifying the Son of God all over again and subjecting him to public disgrace."
Hebrew 6:4-6

And now I have another question. Even if a person did experience all of these things, would it mean that they could fall away because they're not one of God's chosen sheep?

Because here's my second thought. Where does this leave free will? I can decide right now to turn my back on Jesus (oh gosh what a chilling thought). Or can I? If I have already been chosen, what say do I have in this? The one who was once on fire for God falls away and the one who swore that Christians were idiots falls to their knees in repentance - it's all part of God's plan. He has an elect. And when you elect, you have a choice. You can take this person or the other. None of us deserve it. And so do I really have assurance? I am living for God. I would die for his name. I have never written or typed or spoken those words because I didn't know if I could but right now, as I am, I would die for my faith. But have I been chosen? Is it possible that I've just tasted God's goodness and one day will be so overcome by logic that I turn my back on the one who died for me? And all because - God hasn't actually chosen me?

I'm concerned because yes, I know that Jesus died for me. I know that he rose again. I believe that. But if I am not one of God's elect, what does that even matter? How do I know for sure that I am one of his sheep?

Please, please don't think that whenever I question my faith I'm going through some terrible spiritual battle and will throw it all away in the next five seconds. I ask questions because I expect there to be answers, good ones, and if other Christians I know and trust tell me that at the end of the day we need to trust God, then I am quite happy to do that. I think it's better to ask the questions and find answers instead of letting it all accumulate until you think you've found enough holes to abandon Christianity altogether.

I really don't like the flow of this blog but I can't be bothered to fix it up.

I'm not a potato.

2009-05-22T19:56:00.003+10:00

Phew. Thanks Facebook quiz!

I'm pretty sure I have the lamest Friday nights of anybody I know. They usually consist of uni catch-up because weekends go in a flash. At the moment I'm trying to make a dent in my (late) major English essay on Beloved. That book is disturbing.

So there seems to be a direct correlation between increased uni work and a) a higher frequency of blog posting and b) the discovery of new music to listen to. I blog when I don't want to work anymore, which is ironic considering you'd think I'd want to get away from this stupid laptop, and I listen to music while I research because it's a lot more bearable that way.

Favourite music this week:

- Bon Iver
- Phoenix
- Jose Gonzalez
- Scott Matthews
- Does It Offend You, Yeah?
- Er, Vanessa Hudgens

What? I don't have a complex about only listening to super cool indie.

Coffee and Milo is awesome.

I've just realised how awake I suddenly am. I haven't felt the effects of caffeine so strongly in a while. Another cup! Another cup!

Super excited about EQUIP tomorrow. I've spoken to Isobel about it every Wednesday night for the past couple of months so I'm really looking forward to it. I got a sneak peek of the EQUIP booklet and saw the section about fundraising for India - I'm in the photo of the ashram on Christmas Day! Miss that place like crazy. I'm also keen for the elective on Depression by Claire Smith. I've heard that she's heavy on the theology and that she'll really make her audience work. I've also been thinking a lot more about depression lately, and have been surprised at just how common it is. Also, I've been told that those who go into full-time ministry are quite susceptible to it, so thought it would be good to start learning more.

And of course we'll be going through the book of Esther! I've never studied it before so should be great.

Back to it.

Too profound for building blocks?

2009-05-21T22:28:00.004+10:00

I sometimes joke that ministers must categorise their life moments and view every event as a potential illustration.

But -

Lately I've found myself doing this unconsciously.

Emily has lots of wooden blocks to play with. Well, she just puts them in her mouth because apparently it's pleasant to have things to bite when one is teething. I however, enjoy building little towers.

I never seem to get far, though. A tower can be only three blocks high before Emily reaches across, utterly determined to knock it over.

I try to build out of arm's length. This time I'm using the smaller blocks and I'm quite happy with this perfectly symmetrical and colour co-ordinated construction. I'm so overprotective that I put my arms in front to stop her from destroying it, because she inevitably crawls over to ensure that it won't stand for much longer. Her little arms stretch out and her hand tries to get past me, every which way.

I've built this, I think. I'm happy with it. I think it's quite good. But Emily - she won't rest until she's messed it up completely. It doesn't matter that I've made it, that she might be hurting me by turning my creation upside down. This is what she wants.

Sound like somebody else you know?

Note: I love Emily. I know they're just blocks.

Clyde Kilby's Resolutions.

2009-05-20T23:41:00.003+10:00

Quoted in John Piper's The Pleasures of God:

1. At least once every day I shall look steadily up at the sky and remember that I, a consciousness with a conscience, am on a planet traveling in space with wonderfully mysterious things above and about me.

2. Instead of the accustomed idea of a mindless and endless evolutionary change to which we can neither add nor subtract, I shall suppose the universe guided by an Intelligence which, as Aristotle said of Greek drama, requires a beginning, a middle, and an end. I think this will save me from the cynicism expressed by Bertrand Russell before his death, when he said: "There is darkness without, and when I die there will be darkness within. There is no splendour, no vastness anywhere, only triviality for a moment, and then nothing".

3. I shall not fall into the falsehood that this day, or any day, is merely another ambiguous and plodding twenty-four hours, but rather a unique event, filled, if I so wish, with worthy potentialities. I shall not be fool enough to suppose that trouble and pain are wholly evil parentheses in my existence but, just as likely, ladders to be climbed toward moral and spiritual manhood.

4. I shall not turn my life into a thin straight line which prefers abstractions to reality. I shall know what I am doing when I abstract, which of course I shall often have to do.

5. I shall not demean my own uniqueness by envy of others. I shall stop boring into myself to discover what psychological or social categories I might belong to. Mostly I shall simply forget about myself and do my work.

6. I shall open my eyes and ears. Once every day I shall simply stare at a tree, a flower, a cloud, or a person. I shall not then be concerned at all to ask what they are, but simply be glad that they are. I shall joyfully allow them the mystery of what Lewis calls their "divine, magical, terrifying, and ecstatic" existence.

7. I shall follow Darwin's advice and turn frequently to imaginative things such as good literature and good music, preferably, as Lewis suggests, an old book and timeless music.

8. I shall not allow the devilish onrush of this century to usurp all my energies but will instead, as Charles Williams suggested, "fulfill the moment as the moment." I shall try to live well just now because the only time that exists is now.

9. If for nothing more than the sake of a change of view, I shall assume my ancestry to be from the heavens rather than from the caves.

10. Even if I turn out to be wrong, I shall bet my life on the assumption that this world is not idiotic, neither run by an absentee landlord, but that today, this very day, some stroke is being added to the cosmic canvas that in due course I shall understand with joy as a stroke made by the Architect who calls himself Alpha and Omega.

11. I shall sometimes look back at the freshness of vision I had in childhood and try, at least for a little while, to be, in the words of Lewis Carroll, the "child of the pure unclouded brow, and dreaming eyes of wonder".

I know...

2009-05-19T18:07:00.003+10:00

Pray, instead.

For:

- L & B & T: For the ashram, for the travellers, for a city seeped in spiritual darkness
- J: For the unreached people group he will be ministering to, for team mates to be raised up
- C: For guidance on how to use the media to minister to his mission field, for financial support
- K: That the women working on the income regeneration project she oversees will come to Christ
- U: That God would guard her heart and mind and strengthen her for the work that she does

They are on my heart. Prayer for them would be a far more valuable way to spend the next 3-5 minutes of your time. This is something I'm going to keep in mind the next time I am impatient about wanting to GO: I'll pray for those who by God's grace, already have.

Creeping up slowly.

2009-05-17T22:11:00.004+10:00

I am so happy. No, again, happy isn't the right word. The right word is joyful. I have a constant and reassuring joy in my heart, the type that only a Christian has and only a fellow Christian can understand. Yes, I am joyful. But I'm also feeling isolated.

More and more it's becoming difficult to relate to those who are 'of the world' and not just 'in the world'. I can't share what's important to me, I can't explain the significance of a particular moment, I can't gush about how amazing God has been to me this week. I can't. Not to them. I have nothing to give that's of relevance to them and if I dare to explain something vaguely spiritual I have to prepare them with: "I know this will sound odd to you, but..."

My friends are now just people I hang out with. Let's see a movie. Fine. But does it go much deeper than that anymore? I'm not sure how long it will be before phone calls go from weekly, to monthly, to...

Make yourself interesting, they say. What's interesting to the world is partying and drinking and casual sex. Simple as that. My friends' recently tagged Facebook photos are of them at a different bar or club every weekend, and mine are of me at church picnics and on mission trips.

Non-Christian friends are in my life for a reason. They're probably the ones I need to be holding on to the most. But how? How?

I'd like to understand better.

2009-05-15T18:56:00.004+10:00

In no particular order:

1. Evolution
2. Climate change modelling
3. The trinity
4. The Australian economy
5. Why reading the Sydney Morning Herald is such a trying exercise (because of the size of the pages, not because the articles are particularly challenging)
6. What I should do after uni and whether or not it will involve secular work or MTS and whether I should do MTS in the South West or at UNSW
7. Shakespeare's The Tragedy of Hamlet
8. Why I can't just move to India right now and be a missionary. Okay, I know why not, considering I was raised a conservative Sydney Anglican, but did Gladys Aylward have a degree from Moore? If someone like her came along these days, would we simply think her mad? Or what if Keith Green was born 20 years later and was starting up his ministry now? Would we be worried that he was far too 'experiential' for us? Will I ever get to see a revival like that? Perhaps the Passion movement is the closest thing we have and I remember being wary through the whole thing. Is it possible that Sydney Anglicans are too preoccupied with preaching sound doctrine? There. I said it.
9. Why I seem to have an invisible hand clamped over my mouth during my Philosophy tutorial
10. What to do if ministry hopes and relationship hopes clash. According to Peter, all that matters is whether or not I'm serving God wherever I am but let's see if that statement still stands should I have to leave South West Sydney (because he would've then wasted more than 10 years on me haha)
11. How people can watch Today Tonight and A Current Affair. My parents have had it on the past few nights during dinner and I've heard such hard-hitting stories as: which celebrities have grey hair.
12. Fairtrade, as always
13. Why Christians support Obama. I'd genuinely just like to know why.
14. How to go about understanding most of these things better without boring myself to death

Wisest is she who knows she does not know, said Socrates. That seems to me to be of little consolation. I think I prefer this paraphrasing: the more you know, the more you know you know absolutely nothing.