This is what I feel.

I asked the Lord, that I might grow
In faith, and love, and every grace;
Might more of His salvation know,
And seek more earnestly His face.

I hoped that in some favoured hour
At once He’d answer my request,
And by His love’s constraining power
Subdue my sins, and give me rest.

Instead of this, He made me feel
The hidden evils of my heart;
And let the angry powers of hell
Assault my soul in every part.

Yea more, with His own hand he seemed
Intent to aggravate my woe;
Crossed all the fair designs I schemed,
Blasted my gourds, and laid me low.

‘Lord, why is this?’ I trembling cried,
‘Wilt thou pursue Thy worm to death?’
‘Tis in this way,’ the Lord replied,
‘I answer prayer for grace and faith.

These inward trials I employ
From self and pride to set thee free;
And break thy schemes of earthly joy,
That thou may’st seek thy all in me.’

- Isaac Newton

It comes and it goes.

I'd really rather be at Moore College. Just, really. Some days I am so fed up with uni. It just frustrates me. The subject matter - the way we think about the problems of the world and try to imagine solutions that are destined to failure. I love theology, I want to go into ministry, why am I stuck here? I know, I know, you don't have to tell me. But some days...

It probably won't happen.

Living in a local caravan park would be most excellent. Think about it. What a fantastic opportunity for ministry. If I were married and my husband wasn't too weirded out by it, I reckon living in the Fairfield caravan park for a year or two would be great because we could meet so many new people AND it would be stupidly affordable. Caravan parks are their own contained communities, but you could absolutely just go around meeting everyone and making friends, even easier than if you moved into an apartment block or something. I'd have a barbecue the first weekend I moved in and invite everyone. Tara and I were joking about this last night and I baulked at the thought of her even suggesting we holiday there in jest but this morning on the train I couldn't stop thinking about the possibilities and I thought, 'I can't wait to tell Tim Booker (who led our SWEATCon elective on innovative evangelism) that I totally have a new idea!'

This also makes me happy because it reminds me that no matter what you're doing, when the rest of the world thinks it's crazy, if you're doing it for the sake of the gospel it's a damn good thing to do and it has meaning. At ReachOut we were told about the ministry of Filipino maids in middle eastern countries who are able to speak to the women who hire them while their husbands are out and they share Jesus with them. The world says that working as a maid for your whole life is not a life at all but one big giant fail. But the Christian says, get me in there, this is the greatest ever because it means I get to talk about Jesus with people who are otherwise completely inaccessible. I love that! I love that so much.

And you will know the truth and the truth will set you free - John 8.32

That's freedom. The freedom to live your life without caring about what you have, what you might get, where you will go, wondering what the point of it all is. I know why I'm here - to be in relationship with God and share the good news with others. I know where I'm going - to be with God forever. Everything else is temporary and ultimately doomed to destruction. Feel my excitement people! I'm living for something.

Suck it up, princess.

Here are the reasons why I personally won't be able to live with myself unless I get up on a stupid milk crate on the main walkway of UNSW and tell everyone why I am a Christian.

1. Jesus died for me. Let me repeat: Jesus died for me.
2. Because Jesus died for me and I call myself a follower of Jesus, I am called to follow him. This means carrying my own cross. Standing on a milk crate to tell people why I am a Christian is not exactly akin to CRUCIFIXION.
3. Because I can. I live in a country where it is okay to get up on a milk crate in the middle of the day at a tertiary institution and preach the Gospel. And not get arrested. What's the use of that freedom and being so thankful for it if we don't exercise it?
4. The Gospel is worth more than my pride.
5. It makes me feel uncomfortable. In the best way possible.
6. Friends will support me. Christian and non-Christian.
7. It's 3 minutes. 3 minutes won't kill me. The real problem is knowing when to shut up.
8. I won't actually regret it. Well, I'm pretty sure I won't.
9. What is the worst that could happen? Really, seriously? The worst is still a blessing if it causes you to suffer for Jesus' name.
10. I fear God, not randoms.

There are about a million other things I'd rather do with my time, and getting up on a milk crate and opening myself up to public humiliation by possibly falling off that milk crate or whatever is probably right down the bottom of the list if I'm honest. Therefore I am drumming into myself the aforementioned reasons and besides, the most comforting reason comes from Jesus himself:

I AM WITH YOU ALWAYS, TO THE VERY END OF THE AGE.

It begins again.

Dear everyone.

I come to you from UNSW library. I've been at uni for almost 7 hours and have not attended one class. Ha! Excellent. Calm down, I'm not being totally slack, it's just the nature of my Wednesday considering I am part-timing it once again.

The excellent news is that I passed everything. The not so excellent news is that I'm doing the same courses as first years. That's really quite pathetic for someone in their THIRD YEAR. But goodness, if it takes me five years to learn patience and self-discipline so be it. And 5 years of CBS can't be bad for anyone...

I've been reading articles on social justice and evangelism and plan to post some helpful excerpts and thoughts soon.

Not so serious.

A nonsense rhyme
Is so easy to write
Do it in the morning
Or do it at night
But whenever you do
You must use your toes
Or put a calligrapher’s pen
Up one side of the nose
The latter’s quite messy
Best done over a sink
And you’ll get your nose
All covered in ink
Which method do I use?
I bet you can guess
It’s the one that produces
Results that are best
Besides, with feet
I have a peculiar issue
Ah – ah choo!
I’ve sneezed ink!
Someone get me a tissue?

Write your own nonsense rhyme. It's fun.

Men as brides.

I feel for men who struggle with being the Bride of Christ. I am thankful that analogy brings me comfort and peace. It has, in fact, brought me MUCH comfort and peace over the years. I understand what Paul is teaching through that analogy in Ephesians, and I am blessed by it. I am sorry that for a lot of men that analogy is uncomfortable and even threatening.

I wonder how many Christian men actually do struggle with this. I've heard many preachers refer to men and women collectively as the bride of Christ and have not detected any uncomfortable squirming. Perhaps this is an insensitive conclusion to draw, but if a guy has a problem with hearing that he is the bride of Christ, he's got to be suffering a serious, er, manly man complex.

I daily have to wrestle with God to submit to His vision for me when it conflicts with my own for myself. Respect? Submit? You can try to paint them in glorious tones but the truth is that these are hard, hard concepts for women to embrace. Yet embrace them we must for our good and God’s glory. There’s a part of me that feels like telling men to just “man up” when it comes to dealing with the imagery from Ephesians 5.

Wendy makes me laugh.

This post also made me think about how even though God does mainly refer to himself in masculine terms, there are so many instances where He does adopt a feminine description. Nobody could ever accuse God of being sexist, not if they actually knew their bible. Gosh, Claire's words keep ringing in my head. So much of our own personal gender confusion skews Scripture and if we'd just let God speak, I think life would be much easier.

Conclusions.

This post is going to be painfully long so I will begin with this disclaimer: it is for my own benefit. I have summarised the main arguments of Claire Smith’s talk on 1 Timothy 2 from the Different by Design Series. It is an excellent talk and very easy to listen to. I love good theology and Claire delivers it. The complementarian exegesis makes beautiful sense of this passage and the ideas and arguments identified by Claire are consistent throughout the Bible. I have not had this sense of satisfaction when considering the egalitarian arguments. Thinking about this has been a real brain stretcher for me over the last few months. Actually, I started mulling this over about a year ago now. I think I may have finally come to a decision and this summary of Claire’s talk will explain why.

Firstly, Claire begins with an interesting caveat that we should be aware of when approaching this passage:

Our culture influences our reading of the text and many of the difficulties that we find, might exist because of our culture and our personalities but not because of the text itself.

I think that many of us who struggle with this text really do need to first be willing to realign our thinking with Scripture rather than letting previously entrenched thoughts and ideas which are not necessarily biblical, influence us. It seems as though a person could just pick a side they prefer and then find the arguments to substantiate their choice. Honestly, a big part of me would love to believe that women should have care over their own congregations and preach to them, but these thoughts are not in line with Scripture. They’re just not. It doesn’t surprise me either because so much of the Christian life involves defying social and cultural norms. There is a part of me that wants to fight for this perception of total equality but by the grace of God I want the other part of me to win out – and that’s the side of me that accepts the teaching of the Bible and strives to bring my life and thinking in line with it.

I do not think that the following verses add anything to the debate, I just wanted to share what Claire had to say about them in regards to the original translation because I thought it was really interesting.

V 3-6: This is good, and pleases God our Saviour, who wants all men to be saved and to come to a knowledge of the truth. For there is one God and one mediator between God and men, the man Christ Jesus, who gave himself as a ransom for all men – the testimony given in its proper time.

I’ve never been particularly miffed at ‘men’ being a blanket term for humankind, but I know it can be a sensitive issue. Claire explains the Greek terms that Paul uses in these verses and the passage as a whole and what seems at face value to be ‘sexist’ or exclusive language is actually inclusive if we consider the original text. Now in referring to men in verses 3-6, Paul uses the generic term anthropos which is not at all gender specific but which in Greek denotes all of humanity. The use of this term serves to emphasise the commonalities between men and women: the predicament of sin and the need of a saviour. Interestingly, the man Christ Jesus is also referred to using the same generic term anthropos instead of the gender specific title which consolidates the idea that he is a representative of all people, male and female. The use of anthropos in this context therefore indicates rich, inclusive language. It is only when Paul begins to address the issue of how each gender should conduct themselves in worship that he reverts back to gender specific terms.

V 11-12: A woman should learn in quietness and full submission. I do not permit a woman to teach or to have authority over a man; she must be silent.

Again there are interesting instances of language here but this blog is going to be long enough as it is. What I will note here is Claire’s explanation of submission. Submission is a common Christian concept and is vital to the life of faith. But in this context what are women called to be submissive to? Basically, they were to be submissive to what was taught and who taught it. In the same way as a woman’s behaviour and dress are to display a quiet decorum (V9-10), their learning style is to be the same. It does not mean that women are to be subject to all men, but only to those who are given the authority to teach Scripture, while they are teaching. The attitude of submission was to be expressed in certain relationships, such as within the public worship context. Claire notes that various bible passages do encourage women to teach, namely Colossians 3:16 which calls men and women to teach and admonish one another. However, these examples are indicative of informal, private teaching and never refer to the public teaching of Scripture by women. Paul allows women to do one and not the other, obviously they were different in his mind. It is clear then that what happened on a one-to-one basis was very different to the public transmission of God’s word.

V 13-14: For Adam was formed first, then Eve. And Adam was not the one deceived; it was the woman who was deceived and became a sinner.

So the question is – why? Why are men only allowed to authoritatively preach the word of God at a public gathering? Paul answers this by appealing to Genesis. He gives us two reasons:

1) Man was formed first
It is in Genesis that God’s intentions for mankind are first made clear. He creates the world, He creates man and everything is good. However, God declares that man being alone is not good and so he makes woman. Both are given a divine mandate but have different responsibilities. Man is the firstborn; he has temporal priority and inherits the responsibilities that come with it. Woman is made later and comes to help him fulfil his role.

2) It was not the man who was deceived but the woman, who then became a sinner
Here Paul has only repeated the story of Genesis 3, but he finds implications that we may not have expected. At the fall, Adam and Eve both sinned but they sinned in different ways. Instead of accepting the leadership of the man, Eve listened to the serpent, ate of the fruit and led him to do the same. The man sinned by abdicating his responsibility to lead, thereby following the woman and disobeying God. God has a clearly set out pattern for relationships between men and women to which the principles of leadership and submission are inherent and still relevant today. That Paul draws on creation to provide the rationale for men having the authority to teach means that this pattern transcends time and culture and thus the instructions given at Ephesus couldn’t have been just ad hoc and particular to those circumstances only.

Therefore, basing his argument in creation, Paul’s instructions are that male leadership and female submission are to play out in church. Women are not to usurp the male authority provided but willingly accept the differences in responsibilities between men and women through their attitude to learning and not teaching or having authority over men. They are to be submissive. I wish this didn’t come across as such a dirty word because submission is the voluntary and willing acceptance of the leadership and responsibility of another. It doesn’t mean that one is oppressed, restricted, limited. Women are no lesser because of their call to submission, it simply means that their contribution to the church will be different. Unfortunately in the 21st century context that is rife with feminist ideals, it is the woman’s battle to be content with what the bible says, and follow the commands of a good and loving God who knows what is in our best interests.

V15: But women will be saved through childbearing – if they continue in faith, love and holiness with propriety.

Verse 15 brings to a close Paul’s argument in V11-14. Childbirth is referred to because it is a representative function for the differences between men and women. It is a shorthand way of speaking about the role of women. Therefore, Paul is encouraging women to be content with their role in relation to men. Again, bearing children is a function that is transcultural and further supports the view that Paul’s instructions here are relevant for the universal church. Now this is not suggesting that all women have to have children to be saved, they may be married, they may have children, they may not. Whatever the case may be, we are to be content with being women and accept the patterns for relationship between men and women that have been instituted by God.

I think I’ll leave it here for now. Claire briefly addresses some of the egalitarian arguments – such as the appeal to Galatians 3:28 and the potentially ad hoc nature of the instructions and in my mind, she successfully dispels them. I’m happy to keep reading and thinking but at this point – I’m going to officially adopt complementarian theology as my own position. I do not believe that women should be allowed to preach to a mixed congregation. This is not because I believe women to be incapable or lesser. I am full of admiration and respect for the godly, gifted and fiercely intelligent women I know and have heard preach – Claire Smith being a stellar example. Further, let me say loud and clear that my adherence to complementarian theology does not mean that I am a doormat, nor do I feel as though I am being oppressed by the men of the church. My ultimate authority is the bible and I am submitting to God who revealed himself to me through it. He has given me the responsibility of teaching and training other women, the children I may have and of supporting a husband if He should provide one. I defy anyone to tell me that my role is lesser or incomplete because I cannot step into a pulpit. Submission is my lot and by the grace of God, I accept it.

My mind is swimming with all sorts.

But I am content with this.

As unto the bow the cord is,
So unto the man is woman;
Though she bends him, she obeys him,
Though she draws him yet she follows;
Useless each without the other.

- Henry Longfellow

Let this blog forever show...

That at this point in time:

The Sovereign of my country is a woman.
The Governor-General of my country is a woman.
The Prime Minister of my country is a woman.
The head of my state is a woman.

A friend of mine pointed this out on Facebook recently. But somehow all of this is reduced by his final condescending comment: 'loves the girl power!'.

Now, I don't think he at all meant to offend, in fact I think he is genuinely stoked at the aforementioned. But that last sentence continues to irk me and demonstrates that the idea of a woman commanding power is still something of a novelty.

This is not the post I was hoping for.

I have been banging my head against 1 Timothy 2 ALL DAY.

I listened to Claire Smith's talk this morning and was delighted to find myself absolutely convinced by a clear and logical yet profound talk delivered with flawless expression.

Then I went back to Richard France's 1995 lectures to compare the egalitarian arguments.

Then I started to think.

*BANGS HEAD*

I really wanted to be able to post something more helpful than this. Soon, I hope.

But one more thing.

Let us leave pretty women to men devoid of imagination.

- Marcel Proust

A vaguely familiar sensation.

This morning I am bored. I don't think it is a coincidence that my boredom comes the day after my last exam. I slept early last night, so I rose early this morning. There was nothing interesting on television, I flicked through the Telegraph. Bored.

It seems as though the Christian is not ever allowed to say that they are bored. I hear the voice of an entirely hypothetical, stereotypical Christian: "Bored? What do you mean you're bored? If you're bored you're obviously not redeeming your time. Bored? Time is short, go evangelise someone you lazy sod."

Must I always be doing something? Is it overkill for me to feel bad for sitting idle for a few hours? The irony here of course is that I have wasted countless hours on the banality of Facebook. A habit which I am now kicking because I am tired of being controlled by my account rather than the other way around.

I do have a couple of things to think about. The first is the topic of contentment because I have been asked to help write a bible study on it for a women's event. Any books, sermons, blogs, bible passages (apart from the obvious ones) you can recommend on the subject would be appreciated. It is surprising that my concordance only shows four references to the topic in the bible. Paul Grimmond once mentioned in growth groups a concordance that listed where the desired idea or theme you were looking up may be discussed in the bible even if it didn't mention the word specifically. I think that would be quite useful. I was reading through Barbara Hughes' chapter on the Discipline of Contentment last night and was interested by her explanation of how Eve's discontent was stirred by the serpent and finally manifested itself in her rebellion. I'd never have thought to go to the creation story to examine contentment, but there you go.

I'm also planning to finally listen to Claire Smith's Different by Design talks over the break. I'm really looking forward to hearing what she has to say on 1 Timothy, having not actually heard or read a comprehensive and trustworthy complementarian exegesis.

Right. Still bored. I guess I could... No I absolutely could. I could go for a run! I haven't had time for that in ages!

The Road

I watched the film adaptation of Cormac McCarthy's novel The Road last night and I was disturbed. I don't know why it is that movies can affect me this way, I know perfectly well that they are fictional but I can't help but think that there is an element of truth in what I see conveyed.

The Road follows the journey of a father and son heading towards the southern coast of America in the aftermath of an unknown disaster that has left the world almost uninhabitable. There is no food and one of the main obstacles for the father and son is to escape gangs that hunt other human beings because they have turned to cannibalism in their desperation.

The images presented are not overtly gory, but I found close-up shots of hooks not unlike those found in a butchery abhorrent because I knew what it meant. The most disturbing scene of all is one in which the pair break into a basement hoping to find food but instead find humans who have turned into total savages, eating each other and waiting to be eaten by those who have imprisoned them there.

It struck me as evil. Yet I do not think that cannibalism is beyond starving humans, history has already proven that. It seems like the ultimate proof for evolution and the survival of the fittest.

Where does the Christian worldview fit into all of this? There are comments made in the film that if God had made humans he must have turned his back on them long ago, for there was no humanity left.

Perhaps I think way too much. But I was struck by the darkness of the human heart, the potential for evil. We think we know ourselves. But in desperation, what would you do? What might you become? God knows. He knows us truly. And he has forgiven us for it. And for a moment I could not understand why. But that's grace, I guess.

The only people for me are the mad ones.

... and I shambled after as I've been doing all my life after people who interest me, because the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars...

- Jack Kerouac

The fear of God is the beginning of wisdom.

The promise of eternity gives life an objective purpose. It provides meaning for even the most mundane of activities. Christians make this philosophical argument for God often, and I think the counter is that we hold onto this so dearly because we can't handle our own humanity. But it's not about needing a crutch, it's what seems logical if you actually consider the human condition.

The Christian... bus driver, to take Phillip Jensen's example, doesn't waste his life driving from Circular Quay to Central day in day out because every action is performed with the intent to glorify God and serve others. If God is your prime motivation, your work will last into eternity. It has meaning.

But I hear the objections: why can't any old person just enjoy driving a bus? Why can't anybody just be good to others because it makes them happy? Why do you need God to provide meaning? Why are you so hung up on meaning in the first place?

Initially I was stumped by this. I'm surrounded by people who, on the surface at least, are happy with their circumstance, with going out into the world and taking all that they can. And who could blame them? Life is short. Live it. Meaning is what you make it. If you waste your life, that's your business.

But think about this for a minute. The opportunity to go out and 'live out the dream' is only afforded to the upper middle classes of Western society. Sure, they can live happily and ignore that God provides the ultimate meaning for their life, they can ignore the promise of eternity because right now - everything is riches and happiness. Why must God enter the equation?

But for millions, possibly billions of people, their life is nothing but drudgery, misery and a cruel joke if eternity does not exist. The Gospel, the knowledge that Jesus' death and resurrection provides forgiveness of sins and the hope of life eternal can give meaning to the lives of men, women and children who would not have thought it possible. Their lives are immediately transformed and given purpose once they know of eternity.

This is an incredible thought, really. You could spend your life in the most miserable of circumstances, but if you have that hope, if you know God, nothing can break you. And I've read of so many examples of people who have known this truth and lived joyfully in it, regardless of where God has placed them.

Keep your shiny things. Eternity will show them for what they really are. I wish I wasn't so surrounded by the lie!

Odd memory triggers.

I joined WordPress, people. But then was too lazy to make anything of it.

Here are some strange ways in which I am remembering greek words (bear with the transliteration):

peripateo: made me think of peri peri sauce. i walk... to Nando's.
ikanos: i can... sufficient, enough.
palaios: palace... old
krateo: not i grab... i take hold of
klaio: white people cry. asian people cly. i weep. this one made me laugh forever.
enduo: i endure... to put on
peitho: i pethuade... saying persuade with a lisp
tuphlos: it is hard to floss... when you're blind
perisseuo: i abound in sigmas
loipos: loiter... remaining
plousios: surplus... rich

And so on. Sounds ridiculous but it's working.

Also, this post is dedicated to Vincent Chan who apparently reads every one.

If I ever have children...

I'm going to run my fingers through their hair to lull them to sleep every night.

An unexpected hit.

At youth group camp this year we each had pet rocks. You're probably already cringing at the thought, but get this - it actually worked. On Friday night we got each of the kids and leaders to select a pebble, spray paint it, stick eyes on it and give it a name. This name had to be written on the bottom of the rock and on a piece of paper that went into a little tub.

Rocks needed to be kept on the kids at all times. We would have random checks and if you didn't have your rock, then... punishment! We nominated penalties and stuck them in a box and if a kid couldn't produce their rock when asked... penalty! One person had a moustache drawn on them mwaahahah.

At each meal time we did something called pet rock raffle. We would draw a name out of the tub and whoever owned that rock had to introduce their rock to others and then themself by answering either/or questions, telling us who they would take on a 12 hour flight and one thing they learnt at EPIC. The kids loved the raffle and would always call out "one more! one more!". It was great for them to get to know each other as well.

We came up with pet rocks because it seemed to fit our 'prehistoric' theme but the way in which it introduced the kids to each other and how they were absolutely on board with it was kind of unexpected. It probably worked quite well because we only have small numbers, around 24 kids were on camp. But it was a great idea!

The camp before time.

I am so exhausted. It is almost 2am but I wanted to make this video and upload it somewhere. So I did and now I'm posting it here. It was such a good weekend. I'm glad I was keen to try and make a movie out of it. I took less photos, but being able to make a clip is pretty cool. Anyway, here's what EPIC looks like!

The value of a skit?

I'm not sure I like this. I don't think it adequately explains God, Jesus sin and us. It would be difficult to do so in a 3 minute skit, granted... I like the way in which it reminded me that I'm constantly struggling with sin... But it portrayed the sinner fighting their way back to God and making it. Ok I know it's just a skit but... Well I have seen skits performed and liked them. But I don't like this one. I think there are too many things wrong with it.

Public service announcement.

Recently I've realised something. I'm quiet. I never would have described myself as such but people have been bringing to my attention of late that I have a tendency to remain silent and for some reason it is disconcerting (to them).

Here are some of the reasons why I think I am quiet sometimes.

1) I'm listening. Properly.
2) I don't think I have anything relevant or helpful to say. I'm not a massive fan of talking crap, regardless of the impression my blog gives.
3) I'm not sure of my opinion and don't want to sound silly.
4) I'm tired.
5) I disapprove and am thinking of the most tactful way to say so.
6) I'm comfortable. I enjoy your company. Must we speak?

It's down to you to figure out which one applies to any given situation. Oh and one more, if I'm not talking and just kind of staring into the distance, I'm most definitely thinking about something so if you really feel uncomfortable because of my prolonged silence maybe a quick way to break the ice would be to just ask me what's on my mind.

Ramblings of the 6am kind.

Dear politics, you are ruining me.

Dear blackboard, you are fail at 6.26am in the morning.

Dear Christine, it's your own stupid fault.

So sometimes I wonder what stops us from just telling people the Gospel. I was singing lyrics last night something along the vein of: I know the truth, I'll tell everyone I know etc. etc.

But I don't tell everyone I meet and so much of our focus is on how to make the truth more attractive or how to get people in or whatever and sometimes I just think it's a cop out. Amy Carmichael rebuked a colleague who suggested starting a knitting group to gather women around her so that 'they would love her and listen to the Gospel.' To which Amy replied, the truth needs no extra frills it will speak for itself. When I first read this I kinda thought that Amy was way hardcore, well she was, but she does have a point. Newsflash: the Gospel is offensive no matter which way you put it. Whether you dress it up in a high tea or beer tasting or whatever. We're always trying to show the world that we're normal somehow, trying to fit in but we're not apart of this world, we are different and we will be mocked and shunned and time is short and anyone who really truly cared about evangelism didn't sit around planning evangelistic events they went out and told people.

I'm in one of those really convicted moods where I know I should be better and bolder than I am but the mot frustrating thing is that I'm not and I won't do any walk-up evangelism this week like I haven't for the whole of semester and it's pretty much lame.

The end.

I hear MTS is good for that.

Youth group has been such a challenge for me this year. I think it's the most humbling ministry I've ever been apart of. I have been looking forward to leading for years and now that I'm here, I feel ridiculously inadequate. As though I don't have the right personality, enough patience, creativity...

It would be silly to expect that I would just fit right in and find myself in my element. Something as small as planning games stresses me out. And the kids - how to get into their worlds and show them you genuinely care without stifling them or how to join in their conversations without killing them instantaneously with cliched questions...

Most of the kids at youth group struggle with Christianity. Friday nights are a social event, or it's something that they're forced into by their parents. When your kids are hiding from you in the next room hoping not to be found when youth group starts, you know you've got trouble. Christianity to them is pathetic and irrelevant. And even to the older kids who have grown up going to church, thanking God for Jesus is an amusing afterthought. I have spent so much time telling other leaders that God will be the one to move the hearts of whom he chooses in any manner of ways but now I feel that I could end up blaming myself. What aren't I doing? What can I be doing better? Is it me? Gosh. Self-absorbed much.

Experiences like this make the idea of MTS more attractive. Best to make the mistakes and figure out ministry during a time when it's expected that you'll make mistakes and there are people there to help you figure it out.

I know perfectly well how I breathe.

In the car listening to Richard Mercer's love song dedications tonight. Kind of dig it just because it's been around for pretty much forever and I like nostalgia. But I've struggled to listen to love songs in general lately. Not because my heart is breaking or anything, but because, well, I feel as though the lyrics can sometimes be... idolatrous. Think I'm being dramatic? Well then.

Exhibit A:

How do I breathe
Without you here by my side
How will I see
When your love brought me to the light
Where do I go
When your hearts where I lay my head
When you're not with me
How do I breathe
How do I breathe

I really don't like these words at all. Not if they're dedicated to another human being. A lot of the time I don't feel I can sing the lyrics of love songs to any one but God. God is the centre of my world and the reason why I breathe and 'the one' I'm looking for and the one who 'completes me' and [insert lovers cliche here]. It's kind of frustrating to listen to. Jesus! I want to shout at the singer. What you really, truly want is Jesus! People are so desperate for an all-fulfilling and faithful relationship but often find nothing but pain and disappointment because humans are sinners and fragile, temporary beings. I couldn't rest my entire reason for being in another human. Don't get me wrong, I know that we're made for relationships and they're wonderful and feelings are strong but if I get to the stage where I'm singing lyrics like that about a guy and really mean them please do me a favour and snap me out of it.

EDIT

Ok, thought about this a little more. My comments now seem kind of naive, or at least could come across that way. I still think those lyrics are stupid and that mostly people are singing of relationships and significant others as though there really is no other purpose to life and obviously this is antithetical to the Christian worldview. But, I suppose in another sense when a man and woman are married they do complete each other - they're one flesh. I don't want to take that for granted either. All I'm saying is, the ultimate relationsip is the one between a sinner and God made possible by the blood of Jesus. And that is all I'm going to say about that.

Catharsis.

Perhaps I should have gone to bed earlier last night. Perhaps I should have had something more substantial for breakfast. Perhaps I could have prepared myself better. I can't stand the thought that I could be so weak.

But yes, it happened.

I sit down in a chair, the back of which is promptly lowered until I am stretched out. The lamp above me is switched on and immediately blinds me but I can't help but keep my eyes open. The dentist wastes no time in forcing open my mouth and jabbing the relevant teeth with her silver tool. "Do you have panadol?" she asks, as later on in the day I will certainly need it to aid the pain. Without explanation, without ceremony at all, it begins. Her assistant calls over: "the short one or the long one?" "Long one," she replies. Passed over in front of my eyes is the longest needle I have ever seen, just as silver and sinister looking as the rest of the dentist's tools but infinitely more frightening because I know it's purpose. Suddenly I feel it, penetrating my gum and my hands act of their own accord, the nails of my right hand start to dig into the flesh of the left. "Can you feel your lip tingling?" "A little," I answer and I wonder whether the anaesthetic will really do it's job. At the very least, it is making me feel nauseous and I try to block out that distinct feeling that I associate with being on my knees in front of a toilet... At this point I realise it will help to close my eyes and try to block it all out but too late - I know what's coming and before I can compose myself the needle plunges in once more...

Suddenly I'm awaking and I remember snatches of a dream, but I'm dizzy and this is unfamiliar and cold hard reality hits me. Something isn't right. My clothes are soaked through with sweat, I can hardly breathe and begin to gasp and to add insult to injury, I start to sob. I'm turned over on my side and my mother's hand clasps over one of my own. I hear snatches of conversation, "ambulance" my mother says and even in this state I know she's overreacting as usual. But ambulance or not, I'm terrified. My hands are shaking, I feel limp, and half of my face has finally succumbed to the anaesthetic, the metallic taste of which is still on my tongue. A part of me wants to be rational about this, to pull myself together and not frighten those in the waiting room, but the child in me prevails and I cling to my mother and continue to cry because it feels better than not. "You passed out, love," mum tells me. Pass out? From fear? Me?

All I know is, this could make for a killer bible talk illustration.

Bittersweet.

I adored being in Wellington over the weekend. It is only very rarely that I have the opportunity to be surrounded by family. I cherish the experience. We are scattered and so it is only in the event of death or celebration that we see each other. Despite the fact that I only see the lot of them every few years, I love them so much. I really wish that we could have somehow spent more time together than this, that we could know everything about each other's lives and that we could talk and laugh with some familiarity. I wish they knew who I was, that they could understand the person I have become and the person that I so want to be.

Inevitably talk turns to the future. 'Ministry' I answer and the replies are hollow, polite but ultimately confused. I begin to explain to others my hopes almost apologetically because I know it is not what they are expecting. And for a moment I wish I could say: "well I'm in my third year of international studies and doing advanced french by now which is just as well because I'll be heading to the University of Paris in July for a year-long study abroad program and I'd like to do honours and when I'm done? Well, diplomacy, policy-making or something of the like, naturally..."

Which is honestly where I would be if my first MYC hadn't turned my world completely upside down and I knew that my priorities had to be changed. I'm not the first to make such a decision, in fact I know people all over the place who are making choices that the world thinks are mad. I just gave up a glorified BA, I shudder to think what my family might have thought if I'd given up a Med degree...

But I refuse to regret it. He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain that which he cannot lose - Jim Eliott, of course.

But what hurts even more is that although we have the same blood running through our veins, I will never have the depth of relationship required to explain why I made this decision, why I will keep making these decisions, why this is more than just religious fanatacism, that I'm not the same child they once knew, but different and better and happier because I'm free. Because I'm saved. Why are the people closest to us the very hardest to reach?

Being smashed by Amy Carmichael #301.

You who can resist the half-articulate pleading of many and many a heart today, can you resist this? From millions of voiceless souls, it is rising now- does it not touch you at all? The missionary magazines try to echo the silent sob. You read them? Yes; and you skim for good stories, nice pictures, bits of excitement- the more the better. Then they drop into the wastepaper basket, or swell some dusty pile in the corner. For perhaps "there isn't much in them." Very likely not; "there isn't much" in the silence any more than in darkness, at least not very much reducible to print; but to God there is something in it for all that. Oh! you-you, I mean, who are weary of hearing the reiteration of the great unrepealed commission, you who think you care, but who certainly don't, past costing point, is there nothing will touch you?

And another thing, if this woman described herself as "weak and good-for-nothing" on the mission field, Lord help me.

Curiouser and curiouser.

Is that even how you spell curiouser? Is that even a word? Anyway.

People are so curious. Almost to the point of nosey. I notice it mostly on trains. Once there was a commotion in the carriage part that you first step in to and the woman next to me (we were sitting on the top level) practically jumped up and over her to seat to see what was going on. Or today, apparently someone had fallen over while trying to get on to the train. People crowded around and craned their necks for the smallest glimpse. So very, very curious. I wonder why they are so curious about stupid, little things and yet can't be stuffed to figure out why the heck they are on this planet. Does nobody stop to think over the completely hopeless position they are in without God? Hurtling towards certain death, it may come at any moment and they walk on without a second thought as to why they were born into this world or why it keeps turning or why it started to turn in the first place. Apparently this predicament is nowhere near as interesting as an iPhone etc.

I want this on a t-shirt.

Haikus are easy
But sometimes they don't make sense
Refrigerator.

Sorry that I'm not endeavouring to share something more profound.

What does it mean to be passionate?

I spent a lot of time being debriefed after the India mission trip. One of the last things we did together as a group was to write on a piece of paper nice things about one another. It was supposed to be anonymous but I knew everyone’s handwriting by that stage. Anyway, the most frequent comment I received was: ‘passionate’. Up until now, I thought that was a great characteristic to have. It seemed the best way to describe my sometimes ‘extreme’ personality when it came down to things I really cared about. This week however, I’ve been challenged to think about whether I want to be described as this any longer. The thing is – passion is something that has the potential to get the better of you, and is often preceded with words like ‘unbridled’. The more I think about it and turn to Scripture for help in figuring it out, the more I’m being led to think that one shouldn’t be striving for this at all. Not when the Spirit demands self-control and a quick look at my concordance associates ‘passion’ only with corrupted flesh.

Perhaps it’s just semantics. Let’s say I’m convicted. Enthusiastic. That could work. The problem is, passionate is still the word that describes me best.

I finally stopped to think about what it means to be called passionate after a recent study of Matthew 5. We were discussing Jesus as the fulfilment of the law and his role in ‘clarifying’ the law for us – helping us to understand how sinful we are by highlighting that not only must we not murder, but we mustn’t even get angry – “But I say to you that everyone who is angry with his brother will be liable to judgment...” Murder is the result of hate and anger and these things begin in the heart, therefore, don’t get angry.

I was convicted. I had been denying the influence of anger over me; indeed I hadn’t even stopped to think about the grievous sin that it is. I posted recently that I didn’t want to shake anger I felt at injustice. Is this righteous anger? Yet Wednesday night’s discussion concluded that sinful humans are incapable of righteous anger. I know perfectly well, however, that the anger I feel in other situations has no justification and I began to examine my heart. I followed it back to this idea of being passionate. I only associate myself with being passionate because it suggests that I care deeply, but it also suggests that one could be ignorant and headstrong and if it is not in check it will spill over into things like... anger.

References to anger in the New Testament are most often grouped with other desires and passions of the flesh. We are told this is how we once were but we are made new through Jesus and by the power of the Holy Spirit we are to put to death our earthly selves.

Galatians 5:16-24

But I say, walk by the Spirit and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do... Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatory, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you... those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God... And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.

Colossians 3:3

For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God. Put to death therefore what is earthly in you... on account of these the wrath of God is coming. In these you too once walked, when you were living in them. But now you must put them all away: anger, wrath...

Does a passionate person have in mind the things of God, or themself? I think the latter. They’re swept away by their emotions and thoughts and these things define them. A passionate person thinks their cause is the most important. These are all preliminary thoughts, obviously. But I understand that passion is such a strong word; it implies many things. I never stopped to truly consider it before. Nothing like Scripture to turn you upside down.

Europe calling.

For the second week in a row I was part of a team at a trivia night to raise money for overseas mission. This week was much more successful in terms of being able to answer questions, we won corporate seats to see the Waratahs at ANZ Stadium (who the Waratahs are and what sport they play was lost on me but no matter).

This year Moore College is sending a mission team to Germany, and the couple I supported last night, Jason and Cindy, are going a little earlier to do a 'vision' tour with an organisation called European Christian Mission or ECM. We were given a quick overview of the state of Christianity in Germany and Europe in general and although I already had a fair idea that Europe was extremely secular the statistics really opened my eyes. In Germany, less than 5 per cent are evangelical Christians who regularly attend church. That's actually the good news. Only 2 per cent of the whole of Europe is Christian. I wonder if I heard that wrong, honestly, but I'm very keen to learn more about this mission field.

If we ever consider overseas mission, our first thoughts are the African/Asian hotspots. Well, admittedly, mine are. But perhaps I never should have dropped French. There are more Christians in Africa than in Europe! Somewhere over the last few hundred years Christianity seems to have become completely irrelevant. Perhaps two world wars have something to do with it? Yet Africa, ravaged by war, disease, famine and corruption constantly, has still managed to turn out Christians.

I wonder how Europe became this way.

*facepalm*

Why, Tony Abbott, why?

I just defended you, man. Now I feel stupid.

Learning to say no.

Must... close... tab...

Or else... will... apply...

For this.

Kind of disappointed that the core values mentioned don't specifically say "committed to the poor... because Jesus said so."

I guess if I were that keen to volunteer my time, I would rather it be with an organisation that was upfront about its Christian values as opposed to keeping them on the downlow so as not to offend.

Speaking of which, the Oaktree Foundation seems to have finally given up any pretensions to aiding the poor because the love of Christ compels us. Zero mention on the 'about' page of the Christian values that I once thought were integral to Hugh Evans' deciding to start up the organisation in the first place. Hugh has moved on, mind you. Still. Disappointed.

I can't even watch a DVD without thinking too much.

Due to my being technologically challenged and not realising that one needs to switch tabs to 'February' on Google calendar, I screwed up my work availability and as such, have lots of free time this week. Perhaps it's a nice reminder to calm down with all the working to earn all the money and once again learn to live with a little, hey?

Last night with Emma I was keen on a DVD. A period drama, perhaps. I quite like those. And not because I'm madly in love with Mr. Darcy and the like (so get off my case) but because I secretly think I was born in the wrong era and would love to be living in a society that observed strict etiquette and in which courtships were the norm. Although all this propriety would probably forbid my loud laugh and constant "rock on" hand gestures, but anyway. Becoming Jane, I suggested, a biopic starring Anne Hathaway about Jane Austen (of course). Instead we come home with... Inglourious Basterds. Sigh. She was paying.

Tarantino is a sick man and I am way too squeamish. I felt odd watching the movie, not just because my legs get all tingly at the mere thought of a person being scalped, but because I didn't know how I felt exactly about Nazi Germany being satirised. It wasn't overt, just little things, like the characterisation of Hitler and his burning red face. I'm about to spoil it, but the film ends at a theatre showing a Nazi film and the theatre is filled with all of the key players of the war and the owner of the theatre, a Jewess, locks them all in and burns them to a cinder. It's odd that one would watch this, almost with triumphant satisfaction: they got what they deserved. It was awful, just awful. I didn't care that it wasn't based on fact (obviously) but the Holocaust was real, people died and the thirst for revenge was and probably still is in some hearts, very real. I don't even know what I'm really trying to convey but I couldn't ignore the reality of WWII and see this film as a comedy or as the ending to the war that everyone wished could have happened.

I can't comment with any authority whatsoever, I've never lost family members in such an atrocity, but sometimes I find myself thinking, what would I do if I were in their situation? The Jewess in the film, her whole family was murdered before her eyes and she wanted retribution. Could you say that the man who hunted and executed her family did not deserve death? What would I say? I don't think about what I would do. I first think: this is what Jesus did for me. I trust Jesus. I am a Christian. I am different. How does this affect the way I will react to any given situation? Ok this situation is extreme and completely hypothetical but I still think it's worth examining. God doesn't say trust me until... this happens and you can get away with it: hating, hurting, murdering. There are no loopholes.

It makes me stop and think, ok God, how much do I really trust you? How far am I willing to die to myself to become more like Jesus? Because I know what he would do, I know it because of what he's already done. Jesus would forgive even the men responsible for the Holocaust if they came to him with a repentant heart. And if that thought sickens me, then do I understand the gravity of sin, my own sin and the incredible scope of God's forgiveness? It's enough to turn over in your mind for... years.

I have the next few days to get started, at least.

Thoughts that challenge me.

From Practical Theology for Women:

While God certainly set up a just system protective of human rights in His instructions on government to Moses, I don’t see God as overly preoccupied by individual civil rights as He calls His children to some pretty glorious roads of obedience through suffering...
Ladies, it’s ok to let go of your rights. You can trust the One who judges justly to perhaps defend you, but to most definitely use you as you are spent like Christ for the furtherance of His kingdom. And THAT is freedom, my friends.

Jean on submission in practice:

The details will be different in every marriage, but one thing is certain: submission is an attitude which affects everything - thoughts, feelings, words, actions - every moment of every day.

This post is quite challenging. It still amazes me just how radically different Christian women are. This list is sometimes hard for me to swallow. Makes me realise how selfless one has to be in marriage and that there's no way you could do it on your own strength. I expect that you'd have to be appealing to God quite often to fill you with grace and patience. But what would I know, really.

And I like this:

In my mind, I baked cookies, but what nobody told me was, I really hate baking: then, now, and forever, amen. In my mind, I like the idea of baking and wearing an apron, though. The truth is I don’t own a checkered apron that ties in the back and has a pocket full of pinecones.

And now I'm wondering whether there are any blogs by younger, unmarried women. I like these thoughts on marriage and whatnot because they are helpful but... you know... I'm not quite there yet.

Purity? What about it?

I am becoming more and more frustrated by each new article I read on the following quote from Tony Abbott concerning pre-marital sex which he 'let slip' during an interview with the Australian Women's Weekly: ''I think I would say to my daughters if they were to ask me this question . . . it is the greatest gift that you can give someone, the ultimate gift of giving and don't give it to someone lightly, that's what I would say.''

It has provoked such indignant responses and has once and for all convinced me that sex has almost zero meaning in our secular and liberal society:

But in its own way, the Opposition Leader's description of virginity as ''the greatest gift you can give someone, the ultimate gift of giving'' was nauseating. The comment both fetishes a woman's virginity and reduces her value to the presence of a hymen, to the unpenetrated state of her vagina. Why is that the greatest gift a woman can give someone? What about her mind? Her actions? Dare I say it, her soul? If I were one of Abbott's daughters I would be furious to have my value reduced to the state of my hymen.

Worse is the suggestion that our "greatest gift" is still just a sexual one. Not our intelligence, professional contributions, support, capacity to love, laugh, or just suffer through an entire Boxing Day Test match, but the giving of sex.

These women are fuming because they believe Abbott to be sexist and old-fashioned. I'm fuming because they would obviously think me a naive and ridiculous prude. Oh and religious nut. I'm just amazed at the way in which they write about sex. According to this last woman, purity is to be valued AFTER intelligence, professional contributions, support, capacity to love (this one really, really annoys me because obviously this writer has absolutely no clue as to the real meaning of love), laugh or willingness to suffer through cricket. And what exactly does the first writer presume to be the soul? How could purity, emotional and physical, not totally encompass that notion? If you've had several partners and shared yourself with them so intimately before you finally find "the one" what are you going to have left to give? What soul have you? What, I ask you?!

Oh, Carolyn McCulley, how right you are when you say that being a biblical woman in this world is a radical act.

Darn.

Have just noticed that the EQUIP book club is going through The Scarlet Letter. I bought a copy of it in the Philippines for $2.50 along with about ten or so other Penguin classics. Up to post number 6. Darn. Not that I couldn't just refer to the blogs later, but still.

Also, I am super excited about the EQUIP conference this year. The main talks are always great but the electives in particular seem wicked interesting:

Confessions of a Shopaholic - Carmelina Read on what the Bible has to say about retail therapy
The Fineprint of Feminism - Claire Smith opening our eyes to the influence of feminism (edging towards this one because Claire Smith makes you think)
Single minded - Dani Treweek on God's purpose for singleness
Love in hard places - Susan Shiner on how to love our enemies and those who hurt us
Answering back - Alison Napier on how to engage with skeptics and enquirers
EQUIP workout - Tara Thornley will host an elective for women considering full-time ministry that will allow them to meet women who are already serving in Australia and overseas

Thinking again, I've done a bit on feminism, singleness, apologetics, thinking about ministry... Love in hard places might be the most helpful for me. Either way, how good are these electives? There are more than usual and I love how they've really tried to make it relevant for women of all ages: "Whether you're a baby-boomer, Gen X, Gen Y or whatever, EQUIP10 will be talking to your generation." I thought that was cool because I've had a few chats to Isobel about girls around my age wondering whether EQUIP was for them because they weren't too keen on an elective on, I don't know, hospitality or something. But every woman should find something interesting this year :)

Political rant.

I have an on again/off again interest in Australian politics. I think it’s important to have, at the very least, a vague idea of who is running the country, what their policies are and what progress they have made while serving in office. My knowledge, if I may call it that, is furnished by a daily reading of The Australian (chosen because it is 75 cents on UNSW campus and because I believe it to be superior to the Telegraph except for the impossibility of attempting to read it on the train. Honestly, I could wallpaper half my house with just one page of The Australian) and sometimes switching on ABC1. Yet every time I insist on following politics and trying to develop some concrete political views of my own, I become intensely frustrated. Is it ever possible to find impartial reporting on the government and the opposition? I want to know who is standing for government, what they stand for, what policies they will introduce and what the consequences of their actions will be and I want to hear it from a source that isn’t already polluted by the author’s/producer’s own personal left or right wing bias. Impossible. It is impossible, I tell you. I think I understand where Descartes was coming from...

I also tend to stop following politics when I decide that I’ve just read too much about how flaky and just plain stupid politicians can be. I get disheartened and give up. I think, ordinarily, I’d be coming back to that point after trying to follow leadership fiascos in the federal opposition and state government and in the aftermath of Copenhagen still wondering whether Rudd is full of anything other than hot air and whether or not he has done anything significant since being elected (I think the verdict is still out on whether or not his stimulus package will be beneficial to Australia in the long-term, but even as I type this I’m wondering what source of information has been feeding that thought).

BUT, I have decided this time not to revert back to ignorance. Goodness, I still know very little but I hope to at least be anything other than completely ignorant. No matter how ridiculous and uninteresting politics may seem, I am extremely thankful that we do have a government that, for the most part, works for us. Nowhere in Australia will you find a politician culpable for the murder of 57 political rivals, their families and journalists. Nowhere in Australia will you find images of people fighting for the freedom of a democracy. Nowhere in Australia is the idea of an election synonymous with curfews and intimidation. People in the world today are willing to die for the freedom that we have – for the privilege that it is to scrutinise candidates and keep them honest, enter a polling booth and say without fear “I choose you”. Not to mention the insult that I personally think it is to the suffragettes of the early 20th century to turn around as a woman and care nothing for my vote.

I’m just terrified of being ignorant and taking for granted all of the freedoms that I have and I wish that more people felt the same.

An unusual dress code for a wedding.

Barefeet.

Yep. No shoes, please. And in Liverpool of all places. But my goodness it was a fantastic wedding. The first one I'd been to where the couple getting married were my peers and my friends.

For the first time, I came away from a wedding feeling encouraged. I was so happy for them, so thankful to God and so amazed by the blessings we have from him. He's just so good was my resounding thought. I was really happy that I felt this way, that I left content and praising God rather than lamenting the fact that I had no prospect of getting engaged in the near future. I'm only 20 years old, honestly, I have the rest of my life to be married to someone. I once read though that what most people want is a wedding. They want a day - a party, a dress, a walk down the aisle, friends and family and the anticipation of a wedding night. Marriage is another thing altogether. That's the part where you realise that that person is actually going to be there everyday and you need to love them, all of them, for as long as you both shall live. Girls fantasise over colour schemes and flowers and the music they'll dance to, not necessarily about what it looks like to submit to, respect and honour their husbands. I'm not sure if it's common for girls to daydream about marriage.

That being said, it's still a wonderful gift, a beautiful way in which two people can witness Christ's love for us and I'm looking forward to it - if it is God's plan for me.

Thinking about death.

I just came back from a memorial. A memorial for one of the girls who was in my sunday school class and in my group of youth group girls. I found out about her death while I was away. Horriffic circumstance. Yet, just now... I'm happy. maybe not happy. I don't know. Oh yes time to break out one of my favourite words: joyful. I'm joyful and I'm content. I mourned her loss. But I can't feel sad when I know the truth: to live is Christ and to die is gain. There was no need for sadness. Well yes, she won't be around to liven up my sunday school class anymore, but she trusted Jesus, his victory over death is now hers.

When I first found out, I went straight to scripture for comfort of course. 1 Corinthians 15: where, O death is your victory? where, O death is your sting? Those triumphant words. I could recite them all day long. The freedom and comfort they provide is inexpressible. A Christian funeral is a celebration.

And so I feel a great burden now. There are people very close to me, whom I love very much, who don't know Jesus as Lord and Savior. I don't know how I'd react to their death. I'd be a mess. I'd feel like I'd failed them. I can't ignore the reality any longer. There's no comfort in their death.

And so I'm encouraged, but it feels like I've also been reminded - or warned, almost. Life is short. Our purpose is to know God and serve him and once we do, we must spread that message. We are responsible.

So what am I doing about it?

Should we prioritise social justice or evangelism?

Some bloke named Steve Brown:

That’s a false dichotomy.

A follower of Christ doesn’t put on a “social justice” hat and then an “evangelism” hat and then try to discern which hat to wear the most and which hat is the most valuable. Why? Because it isn’t a hat; it’s the head and the heart. You can’t exchange either. They are integral to the person.

When a Christian sees someone who is physically hungry, a Christian feeds the hungry person. Why? Because hungry people can’t understand the plan of salvation? No. Simply because that person is hungry. That’s what Christians do. And if a person is spiritually hungry, a Christian becomes “one beggar telling another beggar where he or she found bread.” Why? Because that’s what Christians do.

Found amongst other opinions collected here.