Right place, right time.

Connect09 is a brilliant initiative. Freddo's adaptation Love This Broken City is even better. I can't believe that it has taken us so long to make a decisive push to get out into the community. So many new ministries have started up this year and it has made Barneys in Bossley Park a really exciting place to be. From ESL classes, to Music Time for mums and bubs, market stalls, a mission week, scripture seminars, consistent evangelistic events, lunchtime groups at local high schools... God has been amazing. Our congregation has grown and is full of people who are gifted and are looking for new ways to use those gifts to glorify God. Ministry in the South West is not doomed to failure. There is so much potential here - if only others could see it.

And now another ministry initiative, possibly? A network of young leaders who are committed to ministry in our region and will meet together to pray, share, learn and encourage? It's exactly what we need and my brain is positively exploding with ideas...!

In the next ten years or so, God is going to make his name well and truly known. Awesome things are going to happen. I can just feel it.

A Martyr's Grace

Lord, I give up my own purposes and plans, all my own desires and hopes and ambitions and accept Thy will for my life. I give myself, my life, my all utterly to Thee, to be Thine forever. I hand over to Thy keeping all of my friendships; all the people whom I love are to take a second place in my heart. Fill me and seal me with Thy Holy Spirit. Work out Thy whole will in my life, at any cost, now and forever. To me to live is Christ. Amen.

Elizabeth Alden Stam wrote those words when she was 19. At the age of 28 she was martyred for her service to the Lord in Miaosheo, China in 1934.

I'm 19. Can I make the same pledge that Betty did and really mean it? I want faith like that more than anything.

Therefore I've been challenged to think about how much of myself I'm really giving to God. Can I say that he has all of me, without compromise? What, or who, do I hold onto instead of first finding fulfilment in him?

I also really like this poem by another China missionary named E. H. Hamilton. He wrote it to commemorate the martyrdom of one of his colleagues:

Afraid? Of What?
To feel the spirit's glad release?
To pass from pain to perfect peace,
The strife and strain of life to cease?
Afraid - of that?

Afraid? Of What?
Afraid to see the Savior's face,
To hear His welcome, and to trace
The glory gleam from wounds of grace?
Afraid - of that?

Afraid? Of What?
A flash, a crash, a pierced heart;
Darkness, light, O Heaven's art!
A wound of His a counterpart!
Afraid - of that?

Afraid? Of What?
To do by death what life could not -
Baptise with blood a stony plot,
Till souls shall blossom from the spot?
Afraid - of that?

Brace yourself.

At the risk of furthering Clare Werbeloff's so-called fame by blogging about it here, I have to say, I am disgusted by the situation.

Funnily enough, it's not actually her I have a problem with and she will go back to being a nobody fairly soon so I hope she thoroughly enjoys her five minutes in the spotlight.

My gripe is this: what kind of society decides that this deserves so much attention? Why are people YouTubing this, Twittering this, Facebooking this, for goodness sake I'm Blogspotting this. Why does Clare have fan pages? Why are people making t-shirts bearing the slogan 'chk chk Boom'? Is there nothing and no one else for us to be looking up to? Why is this important? Why did she have a news story on A Current Affair? (Oh, how I despise that television show) Do her nonsensical and potentially offensive comments actually rate as newsworthy?

Apparently, YES.

Why? Why? Why? What happened to us???

And don't even get me started on this rubbish with the virtual acceptance of football players and their sex scandals. 'Support Matthew Johns'. Please. So he had the guts to come forward and admit his part in a shameful act - this does not make him a hero relative to his mates. Whether it was consensual or not - something needs to be done to address the consistent shortcomings (and thats putting it nicely) of sports stars who have a lot of influence over society.

I sometimes think I was born in the wrong era. No, that's not it. It's that I am longing, longing for a new creation. So very far away from all of this.

Happiness.

Comes in the form of a brand new, hard cover NIV.

Yup.

Election.

"I told you, and you do not believe. The works that I do in my Father's name they bear witness to me; but you do not believe, because you do not belong to my sheep."
John 10:25-26

"My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me; and I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish, and no one shall snatch them out of my hand. My father, who has given them to me, is greater than all, and no one is able to snatch them out of the Father's hand."
John 10:27-29

Belonging to the sheep, in this text, is not dependent on believing. It's the other way around. Believing is dependent on being a sheep. Belonging to the sheep enables a person to believe. (John Piper, The Pleasures of God, Ch.5: The Pleasure of God in Election)

Two things strike me about this.

Firstly, assurance. If God has truly elected me, if I am one of his sheep, then nothing can come between us. I am his and he is mine.

This passage also seems relevant to a discussion we had during our church weekend away (Tara, do you remember? When I read this, I was thinking of a question you might have raised). And I've just remembered what we were discussing:

"It is impossible for those who have been enlightened, who have tasted the heavenly gift, who have shared in the Holy Spirit, who have tasted the goodness of the word of God and the powers of the coming age, if they fall away, to be brought back to repentance, because to their loss they are crucifying the Son of God all over again and subjecting him to public disgrace."
Hebrew 6:4-6

And now I have another question. Even if a person did experience all of these things, would it mean that they could fall away because they're not one of God's chosen sheep?

Because here's my second thought. Where does this leave free will? I can decide right now to turn my back on Jesus (oh gosh what a chilling thought). Or can I? If I have already been chosen, what say do I have in this? The one who was once on fire for God falls away and the one who swore that Christians were idiots falls to their knees in repentance - it's all part of God's plan. He has an elect. And when you elect, you have a choice. You can take this person or the other. None of us deserve it. And so do I really have assurance? I am living for God. I would die for his name. I have never written or typed or spoken those words because I didn't know if I could but right now, as I am, I would die for my faith. But have I been chosen? Is it possible that I've just tasted God's goodness and one day will be so overcome by logic that I turn my back on the one who died for me? And all because - God hasn't actually chosen me?

I'm concerned because yes, I know that Jesus died for me. I know that he rose again. I believe that. But if I am not one of God's elect, what does that even matter? How do I know for sure that I am one of his sheep?

Please, please don't think that whenever I question my faith I'm going through some terrible spiritual battle and will throw it all away in the next five seconds. I ask questions because I expect there to be answers, good ones, and if other Christians I know and trust tell me that at the end of the day we need to trust God, then I am quite happy to do that. I think it's better to ask the questions and find answers instead of letting it all accumulate until you think you've found enough holes to abandon Christianity altogether.

I really don't like the flow of this blog but I can't be bothered to fix it up.

I'm not a potato.

Phew. Thanks Facebook quiz!

I'm pretty sure I have the lamest Friday nights of anybody I know. They usually consist of uni catch-up because weekends go in a flash. At the moment I'm trying to make a dent in my (late) major English essay on Beloved. That book is disturbing.

So there seems to be a direct correlation between increased uni work and a) a higher frequency of blog posting and b) the discovery of new music to listen to. I blog when I don't want to work anymore, which is ironic considering you'd think I'd want to get away from this stupid laptop, and I listen to music while I research because it's a lot more bearable that way.

Favourite music this week:

- Bon Iver
- Phoenix
- Jose Gonzalez
- Scott Matthews
- Does It Offend You, Yeah?
- Er, Vanessa Hudgens

What? I don't have a complex about only listening to super cool indie.

Coffee and Milo is awesome.

I've just realised how awake I suddenly am. I haven't felt the effects of caffeine so strongly in a while. Another cup! Another cup!

Super excited about EQUIP tomorrow. I've spoken to Isobel about it every Wednesday night for the past couple of months so I'm really looking forward to it. I got a sneak peek of the EQUIP booklet and saw the section about fundraising for India - I'm in the photo of the ashram on Christmas Day! Miss that place like crazy. I'm also keen for the elective on Depression by Claire Smith. I've heard that she's heavy on the theology and that she'll really make her audience work. I've also been thinking a lot more about depression lately, and have been surprised at just how common it is. Also, I've been told that those who go into full-time ministry are quite susceptible to it, so thought it would be good to start learning more.

And of course we'll be going through the book of Esther! I've never studied it before so should be great.

Back to it.

Too profound for building blocks?

I sometimes joke that ministers must categorise their life moments and view every event as a potential illustration.

But -

Lately I've found myself doing this unconsciously.

Emily has lots of wooden blocks to play with. Well, she just puts them in her mouth because apparently it's pleasant to have things to bite when one is teething. I however, enjoy building little towers.

I never seem to get far, though. A tower can be only three blocks high before Emily reaches across, utterly determined to knock it over.

I try to build out of arm's length. This time I'm using the smaller blocks and I'm quite happy with this perfectly symmetrical and colour co-ordinated construction. I'm so overprotective that I put my arms in front to stop her from destroying it, because she inevitably crawls over to ensure that it won't stand for much longer. Her little arms stretch out and her hand tries to get past me, every which way.

I've built this, I think. I'm happy with it. I think it's quite good. But Emily - she won't rest until she's messed it up completely. It doesn't matter that I've made it, that she might be hurting me by turning my creation upside down. This is what she wants.

Sound like somebody else you know?

Note: I love Emily. I know they're just blocks.

Clyde Kilby's Resolutions.

Quoted in John Piper's The Pleasures of God:

1. At least once every day I shall look steadily up at the sky and remember that I, a consciousness with a conscience, am on a planet traveling in space with wonderfully mysterious things above and about me.

2. Instead of the accustomed idea of a mindless and endless evolutionary change to which we can neither add nor subtract, I shall suppose the universe guided by an Intelligence which, as Aristotle said of Greek drama, requires a beginning, a middle, and an end. I think this will save me from the cynicism expressed by Bertrand Russell before his death, when he said: "There is darkness without, and when I die there will be darkness within. There is no splendour, no vastness anywhere, only triviality for a moment, and then nothing".

3. I shall not fall into the falsehood that this day, or any day, is merely another ambiguous and plodding twenty-four hours, but rather a unique event, filled, if I so wish, with worthy potentialities. I shall not be fool enough to suppose that trouble and pain are wholly evil parentheses in my existence but, just as likely, ladders to be climbed toward moral and spiritual manhood.

4. I shall not turn my life into a thin straight line which prefers abstractions to reality. I shall know what I am doing when I abstract, which of course I shall often have to do.

5. I shall not demean my own uniqueness by envy of others. I shall stop boring into myself to discover what psychological or social categories I might belong to. Mostly I shall simply forget about myself and do my work.

6. I shall open my eyes and ears. Once every day I shall simply stare at a tree, a flower, a cloud, or a person. I shall not then be concerned at all to ask what they are, but simply be glad that they are. I shall joyfully allow them the mystery of what Lewis calls their "divine, magical, terrifying, and ecstatic" existence.

7. I shall follow Darwin's advice and turn frequently to imaginative things such as good literature and good music, preferably, as Lewis suggests, an old book and timeless music.

8. I shall not allow the devilish onrush of this century to usurp all my energies but will instead, as Charles Williams suggested, "fulfill the moment as the moment." I shall try to live well just now because the only time that exists is now.

9. If for nothing more than the sake of a change of view, I shall assume my ancestry to be from the heavens rather than from the caves.

10. Even if I turn out to be wrong, I shall bet my life on the assumption that this world is not idiotic, neither run by an absentee landlord, but that today, this very day, some stroke is being added to the cosmic canvas that in due course I shall understand with joy as a stroke made by the Architect who calls himself Alpha and Omega.

11. I shall sometimes look back at the freshness of vision I had in childhood and try, at least for a little while, to be, in the words of Lewis Carroll, the "child of the pure unclouded brow, and dreaming eyes of wonder".

I know...

Pray, instead.

For:

- L & B & T: For the ashram, for the travellers, for a city seeped in spiritual darkness
- J: For the unreached people group he will be ministering to, for team mates to be raised up
- C: For guidance on how to use the media to minister to his mission field, for financial support
- K: That the women working on the income regeneration project she oversees will come to Christ
- U: That God would guard her heart and mind and strengthen her for the work that she does

They are on my heart. Prayer for them would be a far more valuable way to spend the next 3-5 minutes of your time. This is something I'm going to keep in mind the next time I am impatient about wanting to GO: I'll pray for those who by God's grace, already have.

Creeping up slowly.

I am so happy. No, again, happy isn't the right word. The right word is joyful. I have a constant and reassuring joy in my heart, the type that only a Christian has and only a fellow Christian can understand. Yes, I am joyful. But I'm also feeling isolated.

More and more it's becoming difficult to relate to those who are 'of the world' and not just 'in the world'. I can't share what's important to me, I can't explain the significance of a particular moment, I can't gush about how amazing God has been to me this week. I can't. Not to them. I have nothing to give that's of relevance to them and if I dare to explain something vaguely spiritual I have to prepare them with: "I know this will sound odd to you, but..."

My friends are now just people I hang out with. Let's see a movie. Fine. But does it go much deeper than that anymore? I'm not sure how long it will be before phone calls go from weekly, to monthly, to...

Make yourself interesting, they say. What's interesting to the world is partying and drinking and casual sex. Simple as that. My friends' recently tagged Facebook photos are of them at a different bar or club every weekend, and mine are of me at church picnics and on mission trips.

Non-Christian friends are in my life for a reason. They're probably the ones I need to be holding on to the most. But how? How?

I'd like to understand better.

In no particular order:

1. Evolution
2. Climate change modelling
3. The trinity
4. The Australian economy
5. Why reading the Sydney Morning Herald is such a trying exercise (because of the size of the pages, not because the articles are particularly challenging)
6. What I should do after uni and whether or not it will involve secular work or MTS and whether I should do MTS in the South West or at UNSW
7. Shakespeare's The Tragedy of Hamlet
8. Why I can't just move to India right now and be a missionary. Okay, I know why not, considering I was raised a conservative Sydney Anglican, but did Gladys Aylward have a degree from Moore? If someone like her came along these days, would we simply think her mad? Or what if Keith Green was born 20 years later and was starting up his ministry now? Would we be worried that he was far too 'experiential' for us? Will I ever get to see a revival like that? Perhaps the Passion movement is the closest thing we have and I remember being wary through the whole thing. Is it possible that Sydney Anglicans are too preoccupied with preaching sound doctrine? There. I said it.
9. Why I seem to have an invisible hand clamped over my mouth during my Philosophy tutorial
10. What to do if ministry hopes and relationship hopes clash. According to Peter, all that matters is whether or not I'm serving God wherever I am but let's see if that statement still stands should I have to leave South West Sydney (because he would've then wasted more than 10 years on me haha)
11. How people can watch Today Tonight and A Current Affair. My parents have had it on the past few nights during dinner and I've heard such hard-hitting stories as: which celebrities have grey hair.
12. Fairtrade, as always
13. Why Christians support Obama. I'd genuinely just like to know why.
14. How to go about understanding most of these things better without boring myself to death


Wisest is she who knows she does not know, said Socrates. That seems to me to be of little consolation. I think I prefer this paraphrasing: the more you know, the more you know you know absolutely nothing.

Emily.

Her head rests on my shoulder and her little fingers grip my sleeves. She might rub her eyes with those same fingers, and let out a sigh even though she has no real pressing concerns. She's completely dependent on me, I am the source of her warmth and her safety. I am almost a stranger yet she's perfectly quiet and is content to just let me continue to hold her. I rub her back, hoping to maintain the calm. But I think that she's the one who calms me.

Not poetry. Hold a baby in your arms and you will know.

About that.

My blogs are long. Probably kind of boring. Apologies.

And now for some words that may or may not come together to form a poem. I don't know what the prevailing meter is. I'm not sure it bothers me just now.

You'll have everything,
They said
Reach out and take it
Like only the young can

It almost made sense:
Take the path
Always taken
Or else be left behind

Suppose I now have a different hope,
A plan that is different from 'the plan'
I won't be climbing ladders or hitting glass ceilings
Or progressing for progress' sake

I see the incredulous expressions
Maybe it's closer to disappointment.
No. I will never have those things.
But it's not those things that I want.

This is the path I have chosen
I will take each step
Without stumbling, with certainty
I will never look back.

Progress.

Screw science and philosophical questions. Objections and doubts shrivel and die at the foot of the cross. I'd like to be able to engage in conversation concerning evolution and morality and argue for or against those things from a Christian perspective but the real answer to every question is Jesus.

I am completely, utterly and totally convinced of the death and resurrection of Jesus. Nothing has ever shaken my trust in this, the crux of Christianity. So long as this stands firmly, my conviction will remain.

That's all I really have to say about that.
___________________________________________________

On Fairtrade

Sue and I went along to the Fairtrade Fiesta in Paddington last night and managed to have a decent conversation with one of the founders of Tribes & Nations, a Fairtrade business. Sue recognised Mignonne Murray from a spot at CMS Summer School so not only were we able to find out more about Fairtrade, but we were able to approach it from a Christian perspective.

Mignonne explained the basics: Fairtrade is a movement which aims to provide third world producers with a fairer price for their goods. One way in which farmers are protected for example, is by the Fairtrade Minimum Price, which is basically a floor price that guarantees stability and security of income even in an economic downturn. Fairtrade not only seeks to benefit producers in developing countries, but also ensures that the process is environmentally sustainable.

Fairtrade goods are obviously more expensive than what we would normally buy. My question then: is Fairtrade, in a sense, a luxury for those who can afford it? Mignonne countered this by explaining that once demand goes up, prices come down and mentioned the example of Copenhagen as a city that is committed to ethical consumerism, demonstrated by its application to become a Fairtrade city. Apparently 270 Fairtrade cities exist worldwide. Nice.

Mignonne's vision is for Fairtrade to be the norm in about 60 years or so. She sees the next generation recognising that action needs to be taken to address the outrageous disparity in wealth between the first and third worlds and Fairtrade will be a key instrument. I share her passion for seeing it come to pass, but for Fairtrade to prevail, it essentially means that consumers will have to be other-person centred in making their purchases which sounds absurd because it seems so unlikely. Is there a happy medium between capitalism and communism? See, I think that people should be free to make their own wealth, but that there shouldn't be people in dire need. Do I want to have my cake and eat it, too?

No, people should just stop being jerks. Yes, that includes me.

The realisation that there are Fairtrade cities the world over has given me hope. Surely if we continue to demand Fairtrade basics such as coffee and chocolate here in Australia, one city might be willing to go certified Fairtrade? One thing I am definitely sure of now though, I think it is better to support Fairtrade, than to boycott.

I asked Mignonne what we could be praying for and she was adamant: that the church would have a heart for the poor and do something about it. She seemed almost disillusioned and of the opinion that the church today just doesn't seem to care very much. I'm still thinking about this. What should the local church be doing to help alleviate poverty? Should local churches be stepping up to assist developing nations? What about Christian organisations such as World Vision? Surely they are an example of Christian love and service to the poor?

Yet more to ponder.

Maybe I should stop reading rubbish texts?

I find apologetics so draining sometimes. Very interesting, but sometimes it just messes with my head. Although, going from Lee Strobel to Richard Dawkins will never do anybody any favours. I'm reading through exaggerated opinions and emotional beliefs, I practically have to claw my way through the bias. Oh objectivity, wherefore art thou?

Here's my dilemma: everything that I think I know about science or evolution, I know from reading Christian apologists. Today this struck me as... deficient. It seems deficient in that, perhaps I should be doing my own research into science and evolution to decide whether or not the conclusions of the apologist are sound. I suppose I've tried to counter Christian literature with atheist texts to give myself the impression that I'm open to objections and hearing both sides of the argument but this isn't working out quite so well. Yet the alternative would be... reading science journals, or The Origin of Species for myself, or something else incredibly boring and impossible to understand. So what's the answer?

I'm wary of confining myself exclusively to Christian texts because it seems that, anyone and everyone can keep feeding off the same information to tell them what they want to believe. I often think that atheists might understand a heck of a lot more if they didn't just read the Bible but actually studied it. I suppose they might think I'd understand a heck of a lot more if I didn't just take William Lane Craig's word for it and actually sought after some evidence for evolution. After all, who am I to dismiss it? What do I know about evolution? It seems to me that if I ever got into a discussion on the topic with someone who actually knew anything about it and I backed up my claims with "er, I read in this apologetic book that..." I'd be dismissed pretty quickly and thought of as close-minded. Not that this happens to me very often. Or that anybody I've ever spoken to seems to have been an expert on evolution, but regardless. I guess I'd like to research the topic, as it is, without Christian or atheist presuppositions. Er, evolution for dummies, anyone?

I'm in a skeptical mood at the moment. Goodness. Dawkins has messed with my head. I'm torn between knowing that God transcends the demand for extreme rationality and then being perplexed that he does. I guess it's my experience that tells me that Dawkins has it so very wrong. God changes people in a way that nothing or no one else can. His Word makes perfect sense, all of it. It surprises me how easily I seem to be able to question, but this is not nearly surprising as the fact that it doesn't take much for me to go running back. I guess sometimes you just have to accept that the truth will be offensive and a stumbling block to others. I know in my heart of hearts that Jesus is the ultimate truth. But every now and then an intellectual barrier pops its head up and needs to be dealt with. I already know what the standard response is: prayer, the Bible. I don't want to worry excessively about scientific evidence, but I want to investigate for myself. Oh, my head.

Someone please oblige with an encouraging comment or useful suggestion to a blog that sounds somewhat nonsensical but which is a truthful representation of my mixed up thoughts. Ta.

Oooo pictures.

Phillip Jensen session was awesome. Disappointed I won't be there next week for the discussion on predestination/election because of Youth Group's trivia night. I made a point of asking Ken Simpson whether he would speak on the subject at CORE and looking at the schedule, it does come up at some point, but Tuesdays are no longer free. Bah.

Rach, Sue & Liz are awesome sisters.

Rach and I saw 17 Again after the PJ session. Nothing special. That's ok, we weren't up for having to think. Zac Efron's character reminded me so much of my younger brother. Clothes, mainly. The skinny black jeans. The hair. The 'quit breathing my air' vibes. My brother is just too cool for me.

After the movie Rach and I went on an expedition to buy milk and toilet paper in a 9 level Woolies, part of which I filmed on my camera and includes a part where Rach walks into a lady because she's not paying attention to where she's going and it's really funny. But this is a photo of Rach and tomatoes and is not really funny, just cute.

I could live in JB Hi-Fi. I almost bought Ben Harper's 'Both Sides of the Gun' because it was only $15, as was Death Cab's latest, but then decided if I really wanted a CD, I'd return the next day. I ran out of money though so now I have no new music. I love you Ellen Clark but gosh darn I wish you hadnt misplaced my copy of 'Diamonds on the Inside'.

Rach and I tried to take some photos at Milson's Point. They didn't turn out so great but it was fun.

Saturday morning we rolled out of bed at 7am and I went with Rach to her cafe job and ended up staying for about an hour to help out because it got so very busy! Rach later texted me to tell me it was a record day for the shop. God is awesome for getting me there to help out :)

Then there was track work on the North Shore line and I caught two buses before I finally decided I was just going to walk until I found a train station. This walk took me over the Harbour Bridge...

I finally got home and was there all of about 2 hours when I got a call from the lovely Tara who decided she wanted to go shopping for work clothes. I said I'd keep her company. More than that, I made her wear heels.

Then we had a little partay for Lisa's birthday and had yet another bonfire. Tara's status update is currently informing me that she has a thing for bonfires. That was pretty fun. Then it was just me, Tar, Soong, Felix, Erin and Thom and we watched the Japanese original film 'The Grudge' and didn't sleep til 3am.

I'm really tired. I have no partay photos which is disappointing. It's killing the trend of what has been a fairly visual blog thus far.

Now gotta put together slides for night church and figure out what to pray for. Yay for praying.

Lah-di-dah.