This is what I feel.

I asked the Lord, that I might grow
In faith, and love, and every grace;
Might more of His salvation know,
And seek more earnestly His face.

I hoped that in some favoured hour
At once He’d answer my request,
And by His love’s constraining power
Subdue my sins, and give me rest.

Instead of this, He made me feel
The hidden evils of my heart;
And let the angry powers of hell
Assault my soul in every part.

Yea more, with His own hand he seemed
Intent to aggravate my woe;
Crossed all the fair designs I schemed,
Blasted my gourds, and laid me low.

‘Lord, why is this?’ I trembling cried,
‘Wilt thou pursue Thy worm to death?’
‘Tis in this way,’ the Lord replied,
‘I answer prayer for grace and faith.

These inward trials I employ
From self and pride to set thee free;
And break thy schemes of earthly joy,
That thou may’st seek thy all in me.’

- Isaac Newton

It comes and it goes.

I'd really rather be at Moore College. Just, really. Some days I am so fed up with uni. It just frustrates me. The subject matter - the way we think about the problems of the world and try to imagine solutions that are destined to failure. I love theology, I want to go into ministry, why am I stuck here? I know, I know, you don't have to tell me. But some days...

It probably won't happen.

Living in a local caravan park would be most excellent. Think about it. What a fantastic opportunity for ministry. If I were married and my husband wasn't too weirded out by it, I reckon living in the Fairfield caravan park for a year or two would be great because we could meet so many new people AND it would be stupidly affordable. Caravan parks are their own contained communities, but you could absolutely just go around meeting everyone and making friends, even easier than if you moved into an apartment block or something. I'd have a barbecue the first weekend I moved in and invite everyone. Tara and I were joking about this last night and I baulked at the thought of her even suggesting we holiday there in jest but this morning on the train I couldn't stop thinking about the possibilities and I thought, 'I can't wait to tell Tim Booker (who led our SWEATCon elective on innovative evangelism) that I totally have a new idea!'

This also makes me happy because it reminds me that no matter what you're doing, when the rest of the world thinks it's crazy, if you're doing it for the sake of the gospel it's a damn good thing to do and it has meaning. At ReachOut we were told about the ministry of Filipino maids in middle eastern countries who are able to speak to the women who hire them while their husbands are out and they share Jesus with them. The world says that working as a maid for your whole life is not a life at all but one big giant fail. But the Christian says, get me in there, this is the greatest ever because it means I get to talk about Jesus with people who are otherwise completely inaccessible. I love that! I love that so much.

And you will know the truth and the truth will set you free - John 8.32

That's freedom. The freedom to live your life without caring about what you have, what you might get, where you will go, wondering what the point of it all is. I know why I'm here - to be in relationship with God and share the good news with others. I know where I'm going - to be with God forever. Everything else is temporary and ultimately doomed to destruction. Feel my excitement people! I'm living for something.

Suck it up, princess.

Here are the reasons why I personally won't be able to live with myself unless I get up on a stupid milk crate on the main walkway of UNSW and tell everyone why I am a Christian.

1. Jesus died for me. Let me repeat: Jesus died for me.
2. Because Jesus died for me and I call myself a follower of Jesus, I am called to follow him. This means carrying my own cross. Standing on a milk crate to tell people why I am a Christian is not exactly akin to CRUCIFIXION.
3. Because I can. I live in a country where it is okay to get up on a milk crate in the middle of the day at a tertiary institution and preach the Gospel. And not get arrested. What's the use of that freedom and being so thankful for it if we don't exercise it?
4. The Gospel is worth more than my pride.
5. It makes me feel uncomfortable. In the best way possible.
6. Friends will support me. Christian and non-Christian.
7. It's 3 minutes. 3 minutes won't kill me. The real problem is knowing when to shut up.
8. I won't actually regret it. Well, I'm pretty sure I won't.
9. What is the worst that could happen? Really, seriously? The worst is still a blessing if it causes you to suffer for Jesus' name.
10. I fear God, not randoms.

There are about a million other things I'd rather do with my time, and getting up on a milk crate and opening myself up to public humiliation by possibly falling off that milk crate or whatever is probably right down the bottom of the list if I'm honest. Therefore I am drumming into myself the aforementioned reasons and besides, the most comforting reason comes from Jesus himself:

I AM WITH YOU ALWAYS, TO THE VERY END OF THE AGE.

It begins again.

Dear everyone.

I come to you from UNSW library. I've been at uni for almost 7 hours and have not attended one class. Ha! Excellent. Calm down, I'm not being totally slack, it's just the nature of my Wednesday considering I am part-timing it once again.

The excellent news is that I passed everything. The not so excellent news is that I'm doing the same courses as first years. That's really quite pathetic for someone in their THIRD YEAR. But goodness, if it takes me five years to learn patience and self-discipline so be it. And 5 years of CBS can't be bad for anyone...

I've been reading articles on social justice and evangelism and plan to post some helpful excerpts and thoughts soon.

Not so serious.

A nonsense rhyme
Is so easy to write
Do it in the morning
Or do it at night
But whenever you do
You must use your toes
Or put a calligrapher’s pen
Up one side of the nose
The latter’s quite messy
Best done over a sink
And you’ll get your nose
All covered in ink
Which method do I use?
I bet you can guess
It’s the one that produces
Results that are best
Besides, with feet
I have a peculiar issue
Ah – ah choo!
I’ve sneezed ink!
Someone get me a tissue?

Write your own nonsense rhyme. It's fun.

Men as brides.

I feel for men who struggle with being the Bride of Christ. I am thankful that analogy brings me comfort and peace. It has, in fact, brought me MUCH comfort and peace over the years. I understand what Paul is teaching through that analogy in Ephesians, and I am blessed by it. I am sorry that for a lot of men that analogy is uncomfortable and even threatening.

I wonder how many Christian men actually do struggle with this. I've heard many preachers refer to men and women collectively as the bride of Christ and have not detected any uncomfortable squirming. Perhaps this is an insensitive conclusion to draw, but if a guy has a problem with hearing that he is the bride of Christ, he's got to be suffering a serious, er, manly man complex.

I daily have to wrestle with God to submit to His vision for me when it conflicts with my own for myself. Respect? Submit? You can try to paint them in glorious tones but the truth is that these are hard, hard concepts for women to embrace. Yet embrace them we must for our good and God’s glory. There’s a part of me that feels like telling men to just “man up” when it comes to dealing with the imagery from Ephesians 5.

Wendy makes me laugh.

This post also made me think about how even though God does mainly refer to himself in masculine terms, there are so many instances where He does adopt a feminine description. Nobody could ever accuse God of being sexist, not if they actually knew their bible. Gosh, Claire's words keep ringing in my head. So much of our own personal gender confusion skews Scripture and if we'd just let God speak, I think life would be much easier.